Her expression is filled with so much sorrow, it practically sears me straight to the bone.
"I believe you," I tell her.
She gives me a small smile that fades just as quickly as it appears.
"I wanted to get back at him. It was so unbelievably fucked up, but I decided to do something horrible. Something that I knew would piss him off when he found out. Looking back it was absolutely stupid, and it ended up backfiring big time." She shrugs. "But I had just turned 21 at the time and I was still naive in regards to certain things. Not that it excuses what I did, but..."
I lean forward, my curiosity coming to a peak. “What did you do?"
"Well, my roommate was dating Dean Gaffney, Jr at the time," she starts to say before I interrupt her.
"Wait a minute. You don't mean Mayor Gaffney's son, do you?"
"Yes. That's exactly who I'm referring to."
I know whatever she's about to tell me is going to be bad, real bad.
"Fuck, Alyssa. What happened?"
"I decided that I was going to flirt with him. Maybe even hook up with him. I wanted it to get back to my stepdad. And I thought- what better way to make him upset than having him hear that I was involved with his opponents son." Her eyes become glassy. "I know I broke the girl code. I know, I'm the worst kind of female in the world, but I just wanted to make him angry. I didn't care about the repercussions at the time. I wasn't thinking straight, Jackson. I just wanted him out of our lives. I wanted him to leave my mother and me alone and find another family to terrorize."
"No judgment here, Alyssa. We've all done things we never thought we would in the heat of the moment."
Like murdering your best friend for killing your sister.
"So, one night—he showed up at my dorm room. Melody, my roommate wasn't there at the time. She was busy with her study group. He asked me if I wanted to grab dinner. I thought it was the perfect opportunity. During dinner he said all the right things...and we bonded over our mutual dislike of my stepdad. He also thought it was disgusting how he was using what happened to my fath..." she starts to say before she stops herself.
"Anyway, after dinner, we went back to his dorm. His roommate was out for the evening. We had a few drinks and..."
That's when I decide to stop her. "So he got you drunk?"
She shakes her head. "No. I mean, not exactly. It's hard to explain. I was somewhere between being buzzed but not drunk. It was just enough alcohol to lower my inhibitions, but not to the point where I didn't know what I was doing."
Shit. I really hate where this story's going, but I can't bring myself to stop her.
"So, one thing led to another and we started hooking up." She squeezes her eyes shut. "I was still a virgin, Jackson."
I swallow against the lump forming in my throat. "Did he rape you?"
"No." She takes a deep breath. "He only filmed me having sex without my knowledge and put it out on the Internet for the whole entire world to see."
She scrunches up her nose. "The best part was when Melody burst into the room at the exact moment I lost my virginity. I'll never forget what she said. 'Alyssa, you slut.' Which is conveniently the name of the video."
"Jesus, I'm so sorry, Alyssa."
She shrugs. "Don't be. I only did it to myself. I deserved it. I broke the girl code and hooked up with my roommate's boyfriend. I hurt my mother to the point where she disowns me." She snorts. " The only good thing that came out of it was that my stepdad ended up losing the election...most likely because of me. Besides, milking my family's tragedy...his campaign was built around promoting abstinence for the youth and other Christian family values. Needless to say, my sex tape made quite a mockery of his entire campaign."
Damn.
"I can't believe your mom disowned you after that, though. That's horrible."
"Yeah, well my stepdad didn't really give her much of a choice. After he lost, they moved someplace down south. He became mayor of a really small town down there. She's obviously happy, so again...it is what it is."
“Why didn't you press charges against him?” I ask.
She bites her lip. “I couldn't afford a lawyer. My stepfather's campaign was going down the tubes at that point and he was pissed. He refused to help me in any way. Besides, apparently there's some kind of law in New York that basically states that as long as one party knows about it being filmed it's not illegal. And just to cover his tracks, Dean also told authorities that I knew we were filming it. The asshole even said it was my idea in the first place to make a porno, but it wasn't. Also, he and his father had one of the best defense attorneys lined up to represent them in case I pressed charges and went through with the lawsuit. And technically, Dean didn't distribute the tape for money.”
She holds up her hands and makes air quotes. “It got leaked somehow.” She rubs her forehead and sighs. “But mostly, I just didn't want to be in the spotlight anymore, Jackson. That tape ruined my life...I didn't have the strength to stand up in court and have my every move scrutinized.”
We both stare at one another for a few moments. "So, what happened to your father?" I ask at the same time she asks, "Who's Lilly?"
I stare down at my uneaten food. "Lilly was my sister," I whisper.
Sadness sweeps across her face. "Was?"
"Yeah. She's...um. She's dead."
"God, Jackson. I'm so sorry. What happened?"
I look at her. "What happened to your dad?"
"He's...dead."
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
She chews on her thumbnail. "No, I really, really don't."
"Me either."
She smiles. "Okay, deal. I won't ask you about Lilly and you won't ask me about my dad."
I breathe a sigh of relief. "Deal."
She takes a bite of her bagel. "So, you should probably know the reason I hate spending the night at places other than my own house is because of what happened. It's made me a little paranoid. I always feel like there's a hidden video camera waiting for me in the shadows somewhere."
I take a bite of my now cold burger. "That's understandable."
"And the reason why I go out and have lots of sex with wholesome 'nerdy guys' is because—” She pauses.”Well, originally it was because they're usually good at hacking computers and making the videos disappear." She sighs. "However, it always pops back up. It's gotten to the point where I've stopped trying to track it down. The Internet really is forever."
"I'm sorry," is all I can manage to say because in all honesty her situation sucks.
She looks down. "And since I'm being so candid with you. I guess I have sex with them as a way of punishing myself."
That's...disturbing.
"Why?"
"Do you have any idea what it's like to have millions of people think of you as nothing but a slut, Jackson?"
"No, I can't say that I do."
"Do you have any idea what it's like to know that millions of people saw you at your most vulnerable moment? Completely exposed, raw, naked. And millions of people are judging you...everywhere you go. I can't go to the supermarket without breaking out in a full on panic attack over the fact that the guy at the checkout counter stares at me for a second too long. I can't get a normal job because everyone knows who I am and knows exactly what I look like giving a freakin' blowjob. Hell, I couldn't even finish school because not only did my stepdad stop paying for my tuition after my little stunt, but I just couldn't take the constant scrutiny from everyone."