Barry’s thrown, even scared.
Good.
You fucker.
“We uh…” he sniffles, trying to remember a conversation he was too drunk to recall. “We talked about…women.” Barry looks at the wood flooring of our deck, searching his memory. “I said they were all crazy. He said…”
Dad waits for him to finish his fucking sentence, and finally asks, “What?”
Barry looks up at my father. “That’s what makes them so interesting.”
Dad’s breath hitches with pain. “I told him that.”
“You did?”
The blue eyes I inherited search the past. “Yeah, when he was…” Dad struggles, blinking a few times. “I don't remember. Fifteen? Seventeen? He was dating that blonde. What was her name?”
“Parker,” Barry offers, knowing every girl I’ve ever dated.
“That's right. Parker. Such a nut. I told him to enjoy. Just don't marry her.” Dad looks over at where Abby is sitting all by herself. “Marry one who's got some balance.”
Barry looks at my wife, too, and his voice cracks. “I haven't gone to her yet. I don't think I can.”
“You better go over to her, you bastard! Apologize to her! Dad, tell him to go to Abby!”
As he stares ahead, my father’s tone is somber, “Give it time.”
He leaves Barry standing here.
Alone with me.
Chapter 8
Abby
I don’t want to be here anymore.
In sickness and in health, til death do us part isn’t enough for me. I want forever like he promised.
I keep thinking he’ll walk through the door, call my name and say, “Get off the phone, woman! It’s me time. As in me. Your husband!”
But the only people who have walked through that door keep staying stupid things like, he’ll always be here with you.
Oh yeah?
Because I don’t see him.
Every time the phone rings, my first impulse is that it’s Max calling to check how my day is going.
I haven’t gotten a new phone yet because the spider webs remind me of his joke.
I’ve listened to his voicemail a thousand times and cried until my cheeks pruned. Didn’t know my eye sockets could hollow like this, either. I don’t recognize my face anymore.
The love has left my eyes.
It’s on Broadway and Houston.
I washed some dishes last night by hand just to stay busy and the next thing I knew I was on the floor, weeping, with broken glass around my knees. The suds had reminded me of the shower I took the night of our party.
I should have had sex with Max before the party. Told Peter to stop texting me. Texted our friends and family to come an hour later. They wouldn’t have minded!
And if they had, so what??!
I should’ve held Max and kissed his handsome face and looked into his beautiful blue eyes and traced his strong jaw and told him how much I love every single thing about him and how lucky I am that he loved me. How much he changed my life knowing what it meant to have such a good man for my husband, my partner, my friend.
A shadow to my right makes me look over, and of course my first hope is that it’s him. But it’s his dad walking up, and as much as I love Henry I don’t want to talk right now.
“How you doin' kid?” When I say nothing, Henry sighs, “Yeah, me too.”
We sit together, and I blink at the knowledge of Max being Henry and Alice’s only child. They lost him in a freak accident. I know what that’s like. Only with my parents it was the other way around.
Can’t speak at all.
I tried to open my mouth earlier and nothing came out so I’ve kept it shut since. I’ve not said one word this whole wake. People talk to me, and I listen. Like a prisoner whose only escape is joining the crime.
Henry takes a deep breath, his voice kind as he asks, “Did I ever tell you this story? When Max met you he woke me up at three o'clock in the morning.” Henry chuckles, “Three o'clock! Damn kid.” He pauses, losing himself in the memory. “You guys had met at a bar, hence the late hour, and he said he'd kept you talking all night by stealing the keys from your purse,” I turn my head a little to listen. This is the only thing anyone’s said tonight that I care to hear. “holding them in the air until you agreed to stay. But you know that part, don't you.” Henry takes a breath. “Well, he woke me up, whispering so his mother didn't hear. I think he was afraid she'd put the story into one of her novels.” I half-laugh through my haze, because I know that’s exactly why Max would’ve whispered. “‘Dad,' he said, 'I met her. I found the girl.' I tried to shut him up so I could get back to sleep, but he said, 'No, Dad! This is important. She's my wife, Dad. I met my wife.’” I’m rapt, hanging on every word as Henry pauses, both of us staring forward. “I told him, 'I thought you said all girls were crazy.' You know what he said? 'Well, I'm gonna make this one crazy about me.’” My eyes close, tears spilling as Henry’s voice gets hoarse. “I know that you know this, Abby girl, but the love you feel right now, and the loss, my boy feels it, too. I know he's watching us, and he feels it just as badly as we do. This was a mistake.” Henry pauses, fighting saying aloud what he believes. He sighs, “God made a mistake.”
My wonderful father-in-law stands up to go, too dignified to be caught in public crying. As he walks away, I imagine Max watching us, hearing his story told, and my eyelashes rise. I look past our twinkle lights to the stars obscured above.
If he’s here, he’s one of them.
Chapter 9
Max
Lorna took her hair out of that stranglehold, and her shoes are off. Is she going to spend the night? That’d be a first.
“She needs time. A lot of it.”
Mom’s eyes are bloodshot as she stands by our front door in her jacket, asking Lorna, “Are you going to stay with her?”
“That’s what I was wondering, Ma.”
Nobody hears me.
This is becoming a thing.
I’m witnessing random moments, and suddenly I’m somewhere else. I think I’m drawn to the people I love. Only sense I can make out of this.
Lorna answers my mom, “Yeah. As long as she'll let me. She took care of me when our parents died.”
Dad sighs, because everyone was thinking about that, and it’s impact on Abs. Especially me.
“Call us if you need us to come back,” Dad offers, “We can stay in the guest room.”
She points at him, “You'd have to kick me out then. Ain't gonna happen.” The smile vanishes into concern. “Do you guys need anything?”
I look at Mom as she says, voice cracking, “Just one thing.”
“Ma, I’m right here!”
Lorna rushes to hug her.
At least someone can.
I hate this!
She hugs Dad, too.
His eyes close and he fights back tears.
“Dad…” I whisper, helpless.
They separate and he gives Lorna a guess-this-is-goodbye exhale, turning to follow Mom into the real world where I no longer exist.