I turned the video off when I couldn’t bear another second. I allowed myself a few deep breaths to steal myself, to lock little Katinka away deep inside my mind before I confronted my past tormentor. “Do you remember me now?”
His gaze snapped up to mine. He didn’t say anything but the nervous back and forth of his eyes told me he was trying to think of an excuse. I lifted the knife. He began struggling against his restraints again and screamed at the top of his lungs for help. I flinched at the volume, goosebumps rising on my skin. I stepped closer and held the knife right in front of his face. “Stop screaming,” I whispered harshly. My voice wasn’t as strong and threatening as I wanted it to be.
The man didn’t stop. He struggled even harder, almost topping over backwards with the chair Adamo had tied him to. “Shut up,” I rasped.
The man didn’t even seem to hear me. I was air for him. I slanted a look at Adamo. He knew how to handle situations like this. I couldn’t ask for help, my tongue too heavy, and luckily, I didn’t have to. Adamo pushed away from the wall and pulled his second knife. In two long steps he appeared beside me, grabbed the man’s hair and pressed the blade against his throat. “Shut up, or I’ll cut off your fucking tongue,” he snarled, sounding so terrifying that even my body involuntarily leaned away from him for a moment.
Adamo relished in what he did. His eyes held the same euphoric rush I remembered from taking drugs. I wondered if his fall would be as steep once the rush waned off. I remembered the bleak, depressing hours afterward, and the increasing yearning for the next fix. When would Adamo need his next fix?
Adamo’s gaze slanted to me, frantic, eager, hungry. “He’s yours.”
Mine. Mine to judge. To torture. To kill.
I lifted the knife, scanned the sharp blade. Holding my breath, I jabbed the knife into his thigh. My eyes widened, my knuckles turning white around the handle, shocked by my own actions. The man cried out harshly, eyes wide and agonized. Blood soaked the fabric around the blade, which was still buried inside his leg.
“Twist it,” Adamo murmured, voice compelling.
I tightened my hold but didn’t move. Adamo covered my hand with his. “I can help.”
I nodded. He guided my hand, turning the blade clockwise.
The screams escalated, buried themselves in my head and raised goosebumps. My body revolted against my actions. I shook my head and Adamo released my hand. I jerked it away from the knife.
“Do you want me to do it?” Adamo asked.
I took a step back. I didn’t look at number two, only at the man I was falling for more every day. He wanted to help me, but beyond that he thirsted for the violence. He wanted this, needed this, maybe as much as I did.
“Yes,” I whispered.
Adamo fixed number two with a bone-chilling look. A hunter ready to tear into his prey. Adamo ripped the knife out of number two’s leg before he sliced it across his abdomen, creating a shallow cut. Painful but not lethal.
I backed away, and watched, fascinated and terrified by Adamo, by his focus, his eagerness, his skill.
I couldn’t help but wonder if I was the reason for the awakening of his bloodlust, if my request had broken through his walls and unleashed an unstoppable hunger.
“Adamo,” I whispered eventually. He dropped the knife, his eyes darting to me. It took a heartbeat before they really saw me.
“He’s yours now,” he said in a raspy voice.
I nodded and grasped the gun. Pulling the trigger was easy, and strangely enough felt almost like an act of mercy.
The shot rang in the dirty basement, followed by utter silence. I breathed harshly, trying to come down from my euphoric high. My pulse was pounding wildly in my veins and I felt almost invincible and overall: exhilaratingly alive. Slowly I became aware of Dinara’s presence again. She stood a few feet from me. She’d watched everything without a word, every second of me losing control. I must have looked insane as I’d lost myself in the blood revelry. Fuck. I couldn’t believe I’d let it consume me like that.
I met Dinara’s gaze, expecting the worst: disgust and maybe even fear, but I found only realization and the hint of shock. Dinara lowered the gun and put it back into the bag with weapons. I sat back on my haunches, wondering if I should explain myself. But what could I say to justify my actions? I was a twisted fuck. A bitter smile twisted my lips as I met Dinara’s beautiful eyes. “One monster killing another, a terrifying sight, hmm?”
Dinara tilted her head. “You are not like him.”
“But I’m a monster. If I were you, I’d want to get as far from me as possible.”
Maybe I finally needed to come to terms that I couldn’t be better, that my nature would never allow me to achieve the level of goodness I’d wished for when I was younger.
She shook her head, as her expression filled with gratefulness. “No. You do this for me. That’s something I won’t ever forget. And I sure as hell won’t go anywhere, Adamo.”
“I do this for you, yes, but a small part also does it for me, because I want it.”
“That’s okay.”
I laughed hoarsely. “Okay?”
“Yes, because even if you enjoy it ultimately, you do it for me. If that isn’t proof for…” She trailed off, looking almost embarrassed.
“It is proof,” I agreed. Proving to Dinara how much she meant to me was why I was here. It was why I started, but it wasn’t why I kept going once I lay my hands on my victim. Once I’d begun my dark task, I was lost, lost to a deep yearning and dark hunger. I staggered to my feet. My legs felt unsteady as if I’d ridden a rollercoaster too often. This after torture sensation came closer to a drug rush than anything ever had, and anything ever could.
Dinara grabbed a towel from my bag and handed it to me. I took it. My hands were coated in blood and my clothes were soaked. They were ruined. I remembered when Remo and Nino had returned home like this and I’d feigned disgust when I’d really felt fascination.
Dinara watched me calmly, and I wondered what she saw. I remembered the sick fascination I’d felt when I’d first seen Remo and Nino in action. Even back then part of me had wondered how it would feel to lose myself in something as depraved but I’d fought it, had resisted for as long as I could.
Dinara scanned the remains of number two. If the sight unsettled her, she hid it. Once my hands were clean, I touched her arm, drawing her attention back to me.
“I’m fine,” she said quietly. “I’m glad you did what you did. He deserved it, but it’s not something I can do. I realized that now.”
“You don’t have to. I can if you want me to.” I wanted to feel this high again. Dinara could probably see it in my face.
“I don’t want to be the reason why you lose control,” she said.
A dark laugh burst out of me. I touched her cheek. “You really think it’s your fault I’m like this. That’s the Falcone gene and my bloody upbringing, not you.”
Dinara pressed a soft kiss to my lips. “Let’s get out of here. I don’t want to give him another second of my life. He got what he deserved. He’s the past now.”
After calling the clean-up crew, Dinara and I headed back to our motel. It was better than the dump in Reno, but definitely not a place that invited you to stay longer.