“The Russians are scary, dude,” Cigarette Man says.
“Worse than the Italians?”
“Right now? Way fucking worse. Their power and influence run deeper than any other criminal ring.” He throws his cigarette on the concrete without extinguishing it as he and his friend rush to catch a train.
I walk to where they stood and kill the cigarette with the sole of my shoe. The topic on the TV has changed to some other world news and I keep staring at the burnt butt. How the fire left a black line on the white exterior. So even after it’s gone, the evidence remains.
Just like my life.
I touch the bottom of my abdomen where my scar is tucked neatly under the countless layers of clothes. It still burns as if my fingertips are on fire, bursting through the clothes and flaming my skin.
Another protest of hunger comes from my stomach and I sigh, leaving the station. I need to go to a quieter place because, even though they didn’t reveal my identity, they will eventually.
The Giants fans’ conversation keeps playing in the back of my head as I sneak from one alley to another, my footsteps light and fast.
When Cigarette Man mentioned the Russians, the only thought that came to mind was the stranger from earlier today. His accent was very Russian, but not really rough like I’ve heard before. It was smooth, effortless, almost how I’d imagine Russian royalty to speak if they ever learned English.
Could he be a part of the mafia Cigarette Man mentioned?
I internally shake my head. Why would I place him with the mafia just because he has a Russian accent? He could be a Russian businessman, like the thousands who swarm New York all the time.
Or a spy.
A shiver shakes my insides at the thought. I really need to rein in my wild imagination. Besides, in what world is a spy that attractive? Except James Bond, but he’s fiction. The Russian stranger drew so much attention, and the weirdest part is that he seemed kind of oblivious to it. Or maybe he was bothered by it, like he didn’t want to be the center of attention, but he was forced into that position anyway.
I reach into my pocket and retrieve the handkerchief he gave me. Okay, so I did throw it in the trash, but then I took it out. No idea why. It felt like a waste, I guess.
Running my gloved fingers over the initials, I wonder if his wife made him this and if she’ll question him about its whereabouts. Though he seemed to be the type who does the questioning, not the other way around.
Shoving the handkerchief back in my pocket, I push the weird stranger out of my head and take a few turns until I arrive at an underground parking garage Larry and I frequent.
The guard is snoring at the entrance, mumbling about some baseball player being an idiot. It doesn’t take much effort to slip past him. Now, all I have to do is leave early in the morning before he wakes up.
The parking garage isn’t big or fancy, only fit for around a hundred cars and half the slots aren’t occupied. Just one-third of the neon lights work, but even if they all blinded me, it wouldn’t make a difference. I’ve slept in worse places with stronger lighting and louder noises.
The key to staying safe is sleeping with one eye open. Not literally. But basically being a light sleeper so that the slightest movement springs me awake.
When I sit down on the concrete floor between two cars and close my eyes, I’m well aware of the buzzing from the half-broken lights and the swishing of the cars passing by on the streets upstairs. I can even hear the guard’s mumbling, though I can’t make out his words.
If he stops, I’ll know he’s awake and I need to be alert. He could call the cops on me, and that’s the last thing I want in my current situation—or any situation, actually.
I try to get as comfortable as possible in my position, although the cold is seeping through my bones from the wall behind me and the floor underneath me.
I try not to pay attention to my growling stomach or the pulsing need to get drunk.
I try to think about where to go from here when I officially become a wanted person.
Soon enough, exhaustion takes its toll on me and I fall into a dreamless sleep.
I don’t dream. Ever. It’s like my mind has become a blank canvas since the accident.
The mumbling stops and the guard starts talking. My eyes pop open and I stare at the small opening across from me that serves as a window. It’s still night, and judging by the lack of cars buzzing about, it’s late enough that no other vehicles should come here.
And yet, a black car slowly slides into the parking garage. It’s so silent, I wouldn’t have heard it if I weren’t so attuned to the outside world’s noises.
I drag my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them, then pull the hood of my coat over my head to cover it completely. Only one of my eyes peeks through a narrow gap.
As long as it doesn’t park in the spot opposite me, I should be fine. It’s more logical to pick one of the countless spots near the entrance.
The sound gets closer and I catch sight of the black car. I shrink in the tight space between a Hyundai and the wall, thanking everything that’s holy for my small frame. It helps in my invisibility scheme.
But in doing this, I’ve blocked my vision of what the car is doing. For long seconds, there’s no sound. Not the opening of doors or the beeping of a lock.
Crouching down, I peek under the car and see one pair of men’s feet standing right in front of the Hyundai. I place a gloved hand to my mouth to smother any sound I might make.
The rotten smell from whatever shit I’ve been touching triggers a sense of nausea and makes me want to retch.
I breathe through my mouth while I keep watching his feet. He’s wearing brown shoes and he’s not moving, like he’s waiting for something.
Go away. Go!
I repeat the mantra in my head over and over again as if that will make it happen.
Mom used to tell me that if you believe in something strongly enough, it’ll come true.
And just like magic, the brown shoes walk away. I release a breath of relief, but it’s cut off when a strong hand yanks me up from behind the car by my hood.
The force is so strong that I’m momentarily suspended mid-air, before a bulky man with scary features says with a Russian accent, “Got her, Boss.”
5
Winter
Got her, Boss.
I don’t pause to think what those words could mean. My first and most important role in life is survival. I’m not living for myself. I’m living on behalf of my baby girl. For the life she couldn’t have.
The man who’s captured me is bulky and as big as a mountain. His expression is stern, harsh, like he was born with a permanent scowl. His hair is short, white-blond, and his light eyes are as cold and merciless as ice.
As soon as he puts me on my feet, I wiggle to slip out of the hold he has on my hood. Twisting and squirming, I grab his hand and try to yank it away, but I might as well be a mouse fighting a cat.
He appears utterly uninterested as he pulls me along, my struggle not deterring him at all. I step on his foot, but he merely grasps my hood tighter as he continues to take me away. My feet drag on the floor and I lose one of my shoes.
“Help!” I scream at the top of my lungs. “Help—” The man places a stone-like hand on my mouth, cutting off any sound I can make.