Dad left when I was three, and it was just Mum and me after that, living in our little semi in Aldershot. I was good at maths at school, and I decided I wanted to train to be an architect, and I remember Mum being so proud when I was offered a place at university to study architecture.
But when I was eighteen, the summer before I was due to start my course in the October, I met Ross in a bar, and I fell head over heels in love for the first time.
I was in the local pub on a girls’ night out, standing at the bar waiting to be served and there was a girl I didn’t know, standing next to me, also trying to attract the barman’s attention. I knew she was before me so I waited, expecting her to be served, but guys kept pushing in ahead of her. It didn’t help that she was only about five foot, even smaller than me. But it got to the point where I started to get annoyed on her behalf.
Eventually, I couldn’t stand it any longer. And when yet another guy leaned over her and shouted out an order, I turned round to him and said, ‘Excuse me, but this girl was next. So I fully expect you to do the decent thing and tell the barman to serve her instead of you?’
I thought he’d tell me to get lost, or words to that effect, but he just stared at me. Then he smiled and shrugged. And the girl, who was really grateful, finally got her drinks.
He introduced himself and we got talking. He was called Ross and he owned a company that sold taps to the building trade, which he’d set up himself straight from school. Ross was five years older than me, good-looking and smart, and he was different to the boys I’d dated before. He was mature, he had his own flat and car, and I liked the fact that he’d worked really hard to make a success of his company.
I fell for him almost immediately, and after that night in the bar, we were pretty inseparable. He liked that I knew my own mind and I wasn’t frightened to stand up for others if I thought they weren’t getting a fair deal.
He asked me to become a partner in his company, and much to Mum’s disappointment, I said yes and gave up my architecture course. And for a while, things were going really well. But then we fell out over a friend of mine, who was being treated badly by her boss. Sadie had started working for the company and fell pregnant almost immediately, but when she told her boss and asked for maternity leave, he promptly found some reason to sack her.
She wasn’t intending to do anything about her dismissal. But I convinced her that it wasn’t fair and that she should take the company to a tribunal. I knew her boss. His building company bought all his taps from us. So I had a word with him on Sadie’s behalf, despite Ross begging me to stay out of it, as the guy was our biggest client and he didn’t want to rock the boat.
But I couldn’t just leave it. It wasn’t in my nature. I knew Sadie deserved justice for his shabby treatment of her. As it turned out, the case was settled before going to tribunal and she received a big pay-out from the company. But as a direct result of my involvement, our highly disgruntled client took his business away from us.
Ross was devastated. I tried to convince him that if we worked hard, we could get other clients to fill the gap, but we were arguing all the time and it was clear this was affecting the business.
I took a week off to see a friend in London and it gave me some time to think. I didn’t want to lose Ross – especially since I’d just discovered to my amazement that I was pregnant. I couldn’t wait to get back to tell him in person, and when he booked for us to go out for a meal at our favourite restaurant on my first night back, it seemed the perfect occasion to tell him he was going to be a dad.
But the night was a disaster. Before I could even break the news about the baby, he took my hand and told me that he’d given our relationship a lot of thought, and he’d realised we just weren’t right for each other. I was too stubborn and ballsy for him. He said he was sure there was someone out there who would appreciate my strengths, but sadly, that person wasn’t him.
I was distraught. I told him about the baby, thinking he’d change his mind. But then I found out that while I was away, he’d been seeing someone else. He’d fallen in love – in fact, he told me he didn’t think he’d ever been in love before he met her - and he wanted to wind up the business and emigrate to Australia.
He wanted nothing to do with the baby. He said it would be for the best if he just cut all ties because living on the other side of the world, he’d never see her anyway.
So that was that.
I gave birth to my gorgeous little girl, with Mum at my side, and I did my best to forget that she had a dad who didn’t want to know her…
CHAPTER SIX
When I collect Eva from the after-school club, she’s desperate to tell me about the snacks they were eating. From how she describes them as she dances along beside me, holding my hand on the way home, it sounds like they were Hula Hoops.
Listening to her talking excitedly about the ring-shaped crisps, I swallow down a little pang of sadness. I can’t afford to buy the branded crisps, so on the odd occasion I let Eva have salty snacks, they’re always supermarket own brand. I know it’s ridiculous but it makes me feel inadequate as a mother, that I can’t give my daughter the things that other kids take for granted.
I decide I’ll buy her some Hula Hoops at the weekend. Just to see her face light up will be worth smashing the budget for.
‘How about we go for pizza?’ I suggest on a whim. ‘Would you like that?’
‘To buy one at the shops?’
I smile. ‘No. We’ll go to a pizza restaurant and have one there.’
Her eyes open wide. ‘Will they have fizzy drinks?’
‘I expect they will.’
‘I can’t have one.’ She shakes her head sorrowfully.
‘Well, maybe you can. I know I keep saying fizzy drinks are bad for your teeth, but we’re having a treat day today, so why not?’
The beam on my daughter’s face makes me feel like I’ve won the National Lottery. And the Euro Millions. And the Postcode Lottery into the bargain.
I justify the pizza treat by telling myself I’ll get my first wages soon. Okay, eating out means I’ll have less money to save, but it will be so worth it.
The other day, I told Eva that I was going to be saving all my pennies so we could go and live in a lovely new house, and just before bed-time, she came out of her room and solemnly presented me with one of her piggy banks.
‘That’s for you, Mummy. For all the pennies.’
I was so choked, I could only smile and enfold her in a big hug.
The restaurant we go to has a take-away section, and for a moment I hesitate, looking at the difference in price. Then I think: To heck with budgeting. For once, we’re having a treat!
So we sit down and order plain cheese and tomato pizza, and Eva has the cola I promised her. She cheekily blows bubbles through the straw, giggling every time, while I try to look cross and fail utterly.
I’m hungry after being on my feet all day, and the pizza is disappearing quickly.
‘Having a good time?’
I glance up at the familiar voice, surprised to see Matt Hardacre standing there.
‘Hi! Yes, just a bite to eat after school. Matt, this is my daughter, Eva.’ I smile across at her, as my heart bounces around in my chest.