He wouldn’t have cried like a baby in front of the others. He would have been stoic, and not made a single sound, but this was Ezekiel and he just wrapped his arms around his older brother, buried his face in his neck and let his heart shatter. Let his emotions spill like his guts out on his brother’s broad shoulders. He sobbed like a baby and didn’t even care that he did.
Ezekiel held him tight, never once admonishing him to stop. He simply held him and let him cry, let him mourn his lost leg. When he finally subsided, and Malichai had no idea how long that took, Zeke handed him something to blow his nose with and then pulled up a chair beside the bed.
“You’ll have to stay here a little while before we can bring you home. I’ll be here. When I have to go home, one of the others will come. Amaryllis wants to stay with you and obviously she can be at the bed-and-breakfast.”
Malichai shook his head. “It isn’t safe for her there. I don’t want to see her either, Zeke . . .”
“Don’t be a bonehead. No one is going to be able to stop that girl, least of all me. She earned the right to be in this room with you. You put a ring on her finger, and she knew, just like you did, what you were facing. She’s not going away because the worst happened, and don’t insult her by even suggesting it. Seriously, Malichai, you’re upset, I get that, you’re having a first reaction to the news, but you’re not going to be an idiot and alienate everyone who loves you because you’re depressed and upset.”
That was why Ezekiel was his commanding officer as well. He told it like it was and Malichai respected him for it. “Do you remember when I was a kid and it was a bad winter and I gave away my blanket and food? You were so pissed at me?”
Ezekiel ran his fingers through his hair and looked away from Malichai. “Yeah, I remember. It was so damned cold I thought you might freeze to death just getting up to pee. You were so thin, Malichai.”
He suddenly turned back and brushed hair from Malichai’s forehead. Malichai could feel his fingers trembling, and that was shocking.
“I went to find your blanket for you. I thought someone had taken it from you and I was going to beat the shit out of them. I found the soldier. He wanted to give it back to me. Instead, I told him to keep it. I was so damned proud of you.”
To Malichai’s astonishment, Ezekiel blinked back tears.
“He told me that you were a great kid and that you had such compassion in you. You always noticed everyone less fortunate on the street and tried to help them. I didn’t. I don’t know if you realized that or not. I tried to be more like you after that.” Ezekiel’s fingers continued to move in his hair.
“When I saw him, without his leg, I was terrified that I’d end up like him, an old soldier on the street with no one to care for him after years of service. I had him put in a care home and paid for it when I could, but then . . . I wanted to stay in touch so when it came time, I could bury him. I was in and out of the country so much I just lost sight of him some years ago and he passed away . . .” Malichai trailed off, ashamed that he’d failed the soldier.
Ezekiel looked down at his hands. “I didn’t. You were on a run in the Congo when he passed away and I had him buried with military honors.”
“Thanks for that, Zeke.”
“You can handle this, Malichai. You’re the strongest man I know. You can. It will be a long hard road, but we’re all with you. You and I both know that because they’ve invested so much money in your training, the government is going to want to put a very expensive prosthesis on you so you can continue to go out on missions for them. You can say no. You will still be invaluable to us guarding our women and children at home. You can still be a soldier. Whatever you want to do. It’s there for you. In the meantime, Malichai, you just take one day, one step, at a time and know we’re all with you.”
Malichai knew, intellectually, everything his brother said was true, but emotionally, it was difficult to accept. He still hadn’t looked down his body to see his missing leg. He would do that when he was alone. He would rub his hip where he felt that ache still, the one that told him the leg was still present and would hurt for a long, long time.
“The others are going to want to see you, but you don’t have to see them until you’re ready,” Ezekiel assured. “I can put them off, if needed.”
There was no judgment in Zeke’s voice. There wouldn’t ever be from him. Ezekiel would give him all the time in the world to figure it out.
“Just give me a few minutes.” He had to look down and see his leg gone. He had to come to terms with it. It would be one thing for his brothers and even Nonny to see him like this, but Amaryllis? No. She was different. He was supposed to be her everything. Whole. Her man. Her protector. Losing his leg didn’t fit into his equation of what he was supposed to be for her.
Ezekiel waited for a few minutes and then once again came to the side of the bed to help him sit. He raised the bed just a few inches, forcing Malichai’s back up. Still, Malichai didn’t look down or take the sheet from his leg. His hip throbbed and the upper part of his thigh throbbed and itched, but he wouldn’t touch it. His stomach lurched at the thought. He forced himself to think about Jerry, the soldier they’d rescued in Afghanistan. He’d not only lost his leg, he’d lost his arm as well. Where was he now?
“Would you find someone for me, Zeke?”
He dropped his hand to his hip but didn’t rub. He just took a deep breath. “His name is Jerry Lannis. Kid took a hit for his team in Afghanistan. Lost an arm and a leg. Rubin helped him out, kept him alive, and he was flown to Germany. Can you find out where he is now and how he’s doing?”
He should have done that. Followed up on the kid, maybe gone to see him. How many kids had there been? They’d rescued so many. Brought them home to their loved ones just like this, shattered. He thought because they had loved ones they’d be just fine, but he hadn’t considered the cost to their pride. Their manhood. Shit. He pressed his fingers to the corners of his eyes and shook his head.
“I don’t know, Zeke. I don’t know if I can face her.”
“Do you think she’ll think less of you?”
“I think less of me. Not other soldiers. I look at them and admire their courage. But when I think about facing her, I think about what I’m bringing to the table for her, what I’m offering her.”
“You’re still the same man.”
“Minus a leg.” He knew he sounded like he was whining, and it was the last thing he wanted to do, but hell, it was Amaryllis. “I know what you’re saying, Zeke.” He rubbed his pounding head. He was so damned tired. He just wanted to crawl under the covers and end the entire conversation, wake up and find out it was all a really bad nightmare. “Can you get Nonny for me?”
Ezekiel nodded. “Will do.”
Nonny came into the room smelling of sage and lavender, the way she did in the swamp. She looked the same, beautiful and old and wise, never changing, always to be counted on. He wanted to cry the moment he saw her, and yet at the same time, she gave him tremendous courage. She came right to the side of the bed and took his hand, leaning down to brush his cheek with her thin, dry lips.
“Be strong, son. You’ll need every bit of courage I know you have, to get you and your girl through this, but you’ll do fine because of who you are.” She squeezed his hand.