“You mind your business, and I’ll mind mine.”
Smack. She sucked in a breath and tried to ignore the sting of the verbal smackdown. “No way, pal. You don’t get to do that. Not with me.”
He went so still it chilled her. “What did you just say?”
“Maybe you don’t realize how much your life has changed, so let me spell it out for you,” she went on, pushing the flutter of panic down with an effort. But if she couldn’t speak freely with him, even when he had crazy amounts of rage coming off him in waves, then she needed to know that now. “You welcomed me into your home, yeah, but you also brought me into your life. Which is great, because I did the same with you. Living together, being a couple…it’s about sharing everything you are with another person. The good, the bad, and everything in between. When I decided to move in with you, I knew that’s what living together was really all about. But that was cool, because what you said was true—my demons get along with your demons. That means I have faith that you’ll be cool with whatever crazy shit I’ve got going on with me, and I hope you know that street goes both ways. Whatever’s going on with you, you can tell me about it.”
“Alice.” It was a growl. A warning. It matched the look he leveled at her, and it hurt her heart more than she could express. “I’m good with sharing most of my shit with you, yeah? I am, you’ve got my word on that. I just know you don’t like what goes on down in the Lower Lower, so I wanted to shield you from what I’m going to do tonight.”
“Oh, Loki.” A shaft of terror went through her, like an icicle to the heart. “Please, no. Don’t go down there.”
“Don’t. Don’t ever think you can tell me what to do.”
The icicle piercing her heart grew colder. “I’m not giving orders. I’m begging you, when I’ve never begged anyone to do anything in my life. Please don’t go down there. Not now, not ever again. Please.”
“You knew this was part of who I was when you threw in with me. It’s the reason we met in the first place.”
Her jaw locked, because damn it all, he was right. What he didn’t know was that she’d conveniently—and stupidly—blocked that part of how they met out of her mind. “It’s not just you all by yourself anymore, with no one giving a damn about whether you live or die, all right? Your whole life has changed, because I’m in it now. I care whether you live or die, because my world has come to revolve around you. Around us, and what we’re trying to build together. If you get hurt, or worse—”
“I won’t.”
“You said yourself that every fighter goes into The Pit thinking they’re going to win. But even the greatest fighters, from Frazier to Ali to freaking McGregor, eventually get beaten.”
“I was born and raised a Gravedigger, woman. You think there’s someone out there who’s tougher than me?”
“I don’t give a shit about anyone who’s out there, tough or not. You’re the one I love, so you’re the only one who matters to me. That’s why I don’t like the Lower Lower. The man I love could get hurt or worse down there, so you bet I hate that place.”
“You love me?” His voice was rougher than ever, almost unrecognizable. “Jesus, you love me.”
“Yeah.” She tried to appear as if the floor wasn’t dropping out from under her feet when she realized what she’d just blurted out. But he needed to know that he couldn’t just do whatever the hell he wanted, because he wasn’t the only one in his life anymore. Luke was right; she’d made room in her heart for Loki, so he had to know that whatever he chose to do, part of her was right there with him. “I didn’t know what it was at first, because I’m not great at letting the big emotions out of the bottle, you know? But with you, it was easy. I’m one hundred percent, full-throttle crazy in love with you, Loki. You’re precious to me, so if you go down to the Lower Lower and put yourself at risk, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to stand that.”
“Don’t put that on me.” He shook his head, looking so thunderous and full of rejection it was like another smack in the face. Quietly, as she stood there offering up her heart, something vital broke deep inside. “I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life as I am about us being together. But I didn’t sign up to not live how I’ve always fucking lived my life.”
She shook her head as the icy shadow of despair tried to creep in. “I’m not asking that of you.”
“Aren’t you? I don’t deny who I am, Alice. Bottom-lining it, I’m a violent guy who’s always existed in a violent world. The Lower Lower’s an outlet for all the shit that builds up in me, shit I’ve never known any other way to get rid of other than punching it out. That’s what I fucking do.”
“Okay, fine. I accept that. I swear, I even understand how tough it is to control the terrible rage inside you. Try going to a gym and taking it out on a punching bag. Or if you need a little more of a challenge, spar with someone who knows what they’re doing, with headgear and gloves.”
His scoff burned with contempt. “A Gravedigger would never put that pussy shit on.”
“You’re not a Gravedigger. You’re the man I love and the center of my universe.”
“I didn’t ask for that.”
Her sharp intake of air seemed loud in her ears. But it wasn’t loud enough to drown out the sudden, silent scream in her head. “It doesn’t matter what you asked for, Loki. It’s given, like a…like a gift.”
“The only gift I want is a woman who won’t give me shit about who and what I am.”
“The only gift?” The translation of that was so clear it hurt her in ways she didn’t know she could be hurt.
He didn’t want the gift of being the man she loved.
He didn’t want the gift of being the center of her universe.
He didn’t want the responsibility that came with her heart.
Why didn’t he just kick her in the stomach and get it over with?
“Please listen to me, Loki.” She gave it one last shot, all the while cringing inside at the pleading note in her voice. Never in her life had she been reduced to pleading, yet here she was. “All I’m saying is that I couldn’t take it if you got hurt.”
“Yeah, well, it feels like you’re saying you don’t want me to be me, but that shit’s not negotiable. That means the Lower Lower isn’t negotiable. This is who am, who I’ve always been, and there’s no fucking way I’m changing for you, or anyone. Deal.”
His words were crushing the air from her lungs, crushing the fragile emotions she was just beginning to understand. If feeling this awful was the flipside of love, how could it ever be worth it?
Simple answer—it wasn’t.
Nothing was worth this.
It was like dying inside.
“Do you remember you once told me that I was wrong to shut people out and not rely on anyone, because I already had people in my life who relied on me? That no matter how much I wanted to make myself an island, I couldn’t just cut those people off? The same goes for you. You’re not an island. I’m right there with you. Whatever happens to you, happens to me.”