It became clear over the next few days. He was as awful as ever. Mean. Blaming me for everything. He was vicious, really. He was blowing up my phone just trying to remind me what a horrible person I was. We were knee deep into the discarding portion of this when he sent a text saying:
“Just so you know, at one point, I did want to make it work. I wanted to push away all the distractions, Taylor and whoever or whatever else. But the truth is, when it came down to you and me, I realized you weren’t what I wanted. I like you as a person. But, I don’t like you as ‘my person.’”
I remember seeing the words and not feeling anything. I wanted to. I wanted to cry. I wanted to be crushed. But, I didn’t feel anything.
Just like I didn’t feel much of anything when I happened to come across the fact that he was engaged to somebody else four days later.
Not Emme.
Not Taylor.
Not Number 3.
The girl from the grocery store.
Yes, the girl from the grocery store.
I don’t know what else to say about that. Or him. Or us. It didn’t end there. He tried to come back again a few months later telling me how I was the only woman he ever really loved and how much he missed us.
And sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can still see it. That hot August night full of falling stars. Dancing in the kitchen. Tapping my hand along to his heartbeat while he slept. Tracing his scars. The record store. Writing our name with sparklers. How well we fit together when we slept. His laugh. That stupid smile. The jokes. The long talks. Concerts. All of our plans. Yes, sometimes I look back, take a breath, and I can see him again. I can feel him again. And I forget sometimes that it wasn’t real. And that all of it, all of it, was a lie. Because that’s what the Electric Man does.
He comes in. He steals. He lies. He destroys you. And then he moves on.
So, to his next victim, this is for you, sister. Yes, this is for you. Don’t plan your wedding until you read it.
Dear You,
As I write this to you, I am so confused. I found you were engaged to him and I was so surprised. I don't know you. I have never heard your name. Do you know who I am? Because, he asked you to marry him just four days after he finally moved his things out of my house. The house we shared together. The house I thought we were building a life in. He asked you to marry him just two weeks after he had planned on spending the weekend with me. Did you know we were still dating? Did you know that less than one month before he asked you to marry him, he sat at my daughter's birthday dinner and acted like we were a family? He hugged her. He told her he loved her. He said and did the same things to me.
He apologized. Profusely. Over and over. I can't detect his tone in text, but if I had to guess, he was probably crying. His apologies were desperate. Yet, he never told me about you. He never admitted that he had moved on. In fact, during dinner one night, just two weeks before you became his fiancée, he told me there was nobody else. I don't know why I believed him this time when he lied every other time he told me that, but I did. Did you know? I wish I knew if you knew.
Does he love your daughter the way he did mine? Does he make you breakfast the way he did for me? Omelets? Does he barbeque for you? He made me a steak just three weeks before you agreed to become his wife. I don't understand. I will never understand.
But there are things you need to understand if you are going to do this.
He wakes up every morning at five. He will go back to sleep most of the time, but he will still wake up. You can set your alarm by it. Please make sure he takes his blood pressure medication. I had to remind him over and over. He doesn't like it. He can't really tolerate regular ice cream, so you have to get him the fruit bars instead. It's okay, he really can chew them the way he does without getting brain freeze. You'll need to keep an extra pair of glasses in your purse. He will say he can read the menu, but he can't. He has this look when he's done something wrong. He will stare at you, look away, and stare at you again. Then he will give you a nervous half smile, take a breath, and then admit it. And he will tell you it's the monster inside of him that made him do it. He has no control. And your heart will break a little bit because you will feel so badly for him even though he has destroyed you. He will make you feel like you're the only person in the world who understands him, yet there are four more women scattered around who he has made feel the same way, at the same time.
You can never be better than him. You will always have to be less. You will always have to do less or dumb yourself down. He cannot and will not tolerate it. You cannot be stronger than him. You cannot be more secure than him. The more broken you are, the better. Don't ever get better. Don't ever get stronger. Stay weak. It will be the only way to keep him.
And if someday you do get better, and you see your worth, you will get rid of him, no matter how conflicted you are. But you need to know this. Dealing with him is like killing a monster in a horror movie. You look out the window and see the dead body lying there, but the next time you look, it's gone and you know the monster is still out there. Moving onto its next prey, yet he will go back time and time again to the ones he's already devoured. He has to try to control again. He has to go back to them because he has to prove himself. He has to build these women up so that he can toss them away. It's the only way he feels powerful. When he comes back to me, I will call you, so you can come pick him up. Because, he will. He won't be able to help himself. And I don’t want him anymore.
Don't let your daughter close to him. His laughter is infectious. He will draw her in. And then he will stab her in the neck. Please don't think he won't. He will. He did it to the two beautiful girls he helped raise in his 20's and he did it to my daughter who had just lost her dad. He had every chance to come into her life and be the dad she was missing, but instead, he ruined her and he laughed while he did it. And then, just four days before he proposes to you and promises to love your children, he reached out to my precious girl and told her how much he misses her. Why is he missing her when he has his new family? I don't understand. And now, I have to remind her that this is not the way men should be. She deserves more. She deserves to be loved, so much more, and I have to remind her how sick he is and how he will never know what love is.
And then I have to remind myself of the same thing. Because if I don't, my chest will cave in. Because even in this moment, as I write this to you, I love him. For two years, I loved him. I cared for him. I built a life with him. And, he took our life and gave it to you.
Maybe you're the one. Maybe he will change for you. Maybe he truly loves you, if he even knows how. But, if I'm right about him, oh my sweet sister, if I am right about him, I will wait here for you when he shows you and I will help you heal your heart. Because, it won't be you. Please understand this. It won't be because of you. It will not be your fault. It-will-not-be-you. Just like it was not me.
Me.
Malice
N. Isabelle Blanco
Prologue
On Saturday, even Jesus must answer to the Baron, Lord of the Dead.
Saturday, July 20th, 1799
The roar of flames.
Desperate shouts.
Prayers. So many fervent prayers.
The chants of the slaves as they tried to enlist their spirits into staving off the inevitable.