‘He’d stopped loving me, Roxie.’
‘People do fall out of love, I know that, but he could have gone about things in a better way. Letting you arrange the wedding, letting you go to the church and wait for him then not showing. That was unforgiveable.’
‘And yet all advice for healing a broken heart says that you have to forgive and let go. If not for the offending party, then for yourself.’ Lila had read enough self-help books to know what she should be doing. Also, something Roxie had just said had struck a chord. Letting you arrange the wedding… When Lila thought about it, she had done all the organising, possibly even hurried it all along. Perhaps Ben’s heart hadn’t been in the idea at all and Lila had got carried away and in that case, blaming Ben – or at least placing the lion’s share of the blame on him – was totally pointless. ‘Anger and bitterness are heavy burdens to carry around.’
‘True.’ Roxie nodded. ‘But with you, it’s mostly been sadness hasn’t it?’
Lila sighed. ‘It has.’
The overwhelming, bone-weary sadness that penetrated every day, dulled the sunshine, sucked the joy out of everything and left her wanting to sleep each day away.
‘But you’re young and beautiful, inside and out. Joanne and I just want to see you happy.’
‘How do I get there?’ Lila asked the question she had considered hundreds of times since Ben left. ‘How do I find happiness?’
‘Well… there’s no set formula. You need to heal from your pain, obviously. And you’re doing that… although…’ Roxie chewed her bottom lip.
‘Although?’ Lila questioned.
‘Although I think you need to stop… wallowing now.’ Roxie flinched.
‘“Wallowing”?’ Lila shouted then glanced around and gave the other shoppers an apologetic wave. ‘I’m not “wallowing”.’
‘No, that was the wrong word.’ Roxie grimaced. ‘I didn’t mean that you were doing this deliberately, or anything remotely along those lines, but what I do mean is that you’re not going to feel any better while you’re still dressing up in your wedding gown, veil and shoes (admittedly, sometimes with red socks) and belting out Whitney Houston hits until four in the morning. Aside from the fact that it’s exhausting and leaves you drained all through the next day, it’s not fair on the cats.’
Lila pictured Willy and Cleo, how he often disappeared all night and how Cleo headed upstairs. The poor loves used to sit on the sofa with her, snuggling up to her and purring contentedly. Now, they left the room when she put the karaoke channel on and set up the Bluetooth microphone. They’d never been Ben’s cats but they must have missed him too, wondered where he’d gone and why he’d suddenly disappeared from their lives.
‘You’re right. I know you are. The dress though… it’s like my only link to him and the love I thought we shared. I mean, after what I did with the engagement ring, the dress is all I have left.’
‘I understand why you got rid of the ring, Lila.’
‘It was a gut reaction when I got home from the church, but I do wish I hadn’t flushed it down the toilet. I could have sold it.’
‘You were entitled to react to being hurt and humiliated like that, Lila.’
‘I do wonder if he ever loved me at all.’ Lila swallowed hard.
‘He did love you and probably still does in his own way, but he was and is a selfish pri—diot. He doesn’t deserve you and one day he’ll realise that he gave up the best girl in the world.’
‘God, Roxie, I love you. You’re so kind to me.’ Lila grabbed Roxie’s free hand and raised it to her lips. ‘You just keep saying all the nice things and I’ll try to stop wearing the dress.’
‘There’s only way we can ensure that happens.’ Roxie cocked an eyebrow.
‘Oh?’
‘You need to burn it.’
‘I can’t burn it!’ A horrid image of the beautiful dress that had cost over two thousand pounds going up in smoke made Lila’s eyes sting. ‘That would be terribly wasteful.’
‘Incredibly cathartic more like!’
‘No.’ Lila shook her head. ‘No burning it, but I’ll… I’ll do something good with it and I’ll… donate it to charity.’
‘Better get those stains out first then.’
‘I will. Then I’ll take it to the greyhound charity shop. That way, the dress will hopefully get its wedding and the money will benefit the dogs.’
‘That sounds like a very positive step. I’m proud of you.’ Roxie waved her list in the air. ‘Now let’s get the rest of these items then grab some baked goods from the café and head back to yours to begin Operation Bendgame.’
‘Bendgame?’
‘Yes. The end of Ben. Ben’s endgame.’
‘I’d prefer to call it something more positive… something that doesn’t feature his name.’
‘Okaaaay…’ Roxie pouted. ‘How about Operation… Spring Clean.’
‘Not particularly original but definitely more positive.’
‘Good! That’s settled then and there’s no better time to start than a Monday morning.’
‘Indeed.’
‘Next on the list is… candles.’
‘Candles?’
‘To make your cottage smell a bit sweeter.’
Lila cringed. ‘Of course.’
And as they set off in search of candles, Lila pondered exactly how bad things had become in her lovely home. With the anniversary of Ben leaving fast approaching, it was a good time for a fresh start. She didn’t want to move, certainly didn’t want to leave Sunflower Street and her friends behind, so a good clear-out, deep clean and possibly even a few changes around the cottage would be a good alternative.
‘Is that you, Ethan?’ his mother called from the lounge as he let himself into the hallway.
‘Yes, it’s me!’ He smiled. Who else was she expecting?
He removed his trainers and set them on the stand beneath the coats then removed his running gloves and jacket. After a relaxing Sunday with his mother, he’d felt the need to get moving when he’d woken this morning and a run around the village had seemed like the answer.
Ethan liked to run. He enjoyed the way that it cleared his mind of everything other than keeping going forwards. He liked the noise of his trainers as they pounded the pavement and the sensation of the wind, and sometimes the rain, in his face. Running made his heart beat faster, his lungs work harder and his body come alive. He had always enjoyed running, but lapsed a bit as he’d settled into a comfortable routine with Tilly, but when she’d become ill, he’d taken it up again, knowing that he needed something to help him to de-stress, a way to work out his pain that didn’t involve crying for hours on end. Crying had its place, but exercise was, for him, a more positive way of dealing with his emotions. Of course, he didn’t always feel like running. Finding the energy and the motivation to put on his trainers and get out there when he yearned to hide under the duvet was a challenge some days, but he knew that he’d feel better for it afterwards, so he always made himself go.