“Thank you for leaving your church to come to the island to help Gavin and me.”
“You’re very welcome. Have a seat.” Pastor Dean motioned for her to take the chair in front of his desk. Then he leaned back on his desk, crossing his arms over his chest, and stared at her appraisingly. “What did you want to discuss with me this morning?”
Looking around his office, Ginny remembered the many times she sat at his desk as he helped her finish school work. Sitting down, Ginny adjusted her sling rather than meet his eyes.
“I’m here to ask for your help.”
“My help? Is there something you haven’t told Reaper? Has Allerton—”
“No,” she interrupted him. “I need you to help me get my faith back.”
Pastor Dean’s fierce expression cleared. “Why do you feel like you’ve lost faith?”
“Because of Gavin.”
“You lost faith because of Reaper? Has he done something to—”
“No.” Ginny corrected the misconception. “It wasn’t what he did, but what was done to him that made me lose my faith.”
Nodding, Pastor Dean looked down at his shoes. “I see. Go on.”
“I’m so angry at God, that He left Gavin in that hellhole for so many years.” Ginny used her fingers to rub her forehead. “I keep imagining him screaming in pain, pleading for God’s help.” Her hand fell limply to her side. “Sometimes, I feel like he’s still screaming for help.”
Ginny blinked back tears. “I don’t know what to do to make the screaming stop. Whatever they did affected him sexually.” Blushing, Ginny forced herself to go on. “He doesn’t discuss things with me, and I don’t ask, because I think it will take the small piece of faith I have left. Have you ever had a crisis of faith?”
“I did … right before Willa and I married,” he admitted.
“How did you get your faith back?”
“My crisis was different. I didn’t lose faith in God; I lost faith in myself that I could serve God the way I believed He deserved to be served.”
Ginny remembered when he stepped away from the church.
“Willa helped you find your way back to the church,” she stated.
“Yes, she did.”
“I’m glad. The church wasn’t the same without you.”
“I missed the church just as badly. It’s hard to turn your back on your beliefs, which is what you’re going through. Our beliefs offer hope and comfort that God will be by our sides, regardless of the situation we find ourselves facing.”
“He wasn’t with Gavin,” Ginny argued.
“He was. God was protecting Reaper until it was time to return him to us. We’re not supposed to understand the reasons different events in our lives play out. God provides the plan, and as believers, we’re expected to do our part by providing the faith to take the steps that fulfill the journeys He sets for us to take, in order to end up where we are meant to be. Some journeys are easier than others. Ginny, your journey has been difficult, yet you never lost your faith. Reaper’s pain and suffering shouldn’t be the reason you lose faith with as much as you love him. When you love someone you can’t take on their pain or suffering; otherwise, we become as lost as they are.”
“What are we supposed to do?”
“Be God’s messenger. Hold him close when he needs to be held, love him when he needs to be loved, and offer him hope when he has lost his.”
“How can I stop the screaming in my head? Am I just imagining it?”
Pastor Dean slipped his hands into his pocket. “You’re hearing his screams. The brothers and I see the pain in his eyes. The abuse Reaper went through was horrific. Perhaps what we’re hearing and seeing is an echo of the man he once was. I truly don’t know.” Pastor Dean rubbed his eyes as if he found it just as unbearable as she did to know the amount of pain Gavin was in.
“What do we do?”
“Keep doing what you’re doing. He’s making headway, slowly, but each of the brothers have seen it. I thought I’d never see him smile again, and I saw him do it several times on the flight back from Sherguevil Island. You can have faith in God, Ginny. He placed you in Gavin’s path. Taylor would have never been able to deal with the horrors that Reaper is dealing with. She always had to be first with him. What he needs now is someone who can give that to him.”
“Gavin doesn’t want what I can give him. He doesn’t believe he has the heart capable of loving another woman, and …” Embarrassed, Ginny looked away from her pastor. “He doesn’t like me touching him.”
“Have you and Reaper been intimate?”
“Yes.” Ginny wanted to sink through the floor, but she forced herself to be truthful and open. “He touches me, but he doesn’t like me to touch him. I asked Trudy and Sex Piston if I was doing it wrong, and they seemed to think something is wrong with his motor.”
At the strangled sound of his voice, Ginny looked to see Pastor Dean returning to his desk, sitting, his face expressionless, making her feel better.
“I see.” Pastor Dean began searching through his folders. “Perhaps there is someone else you can talk with who can give some advice that I won’t be able to.”
“Perhaps I could talk with Willa..”
“God no!” One of the folders the pastor was holding fell out of his hand and to the floor. “One of the women at the club could make a few suggestions.”
“I can’t do that. I’m worried one of them will tell me they’ve been with Gavin, and I won’t be able to get it out of my head. I really would prefer an objective opinion.”
“Reaper hasn’t been with any women at the club since his kidnapping,” her pastor said, standing up holding the folder. “So, anything she could tell you would have been in the past.”
Ginny thought about it, then decided against it. “No, none of them will be able to help me.”
“Why not?”
“I’m pretty sure they would have fixed his motor if Reaper was interested. Since he still has the problem …” Ginny shrugged. “Is there anyone else you could suggest?”
A thought came to her mind just as Pastor Dean shook his head.
Ginny gave Pastor Dean a bright smile. “I believe I know the right person. Thank you, Pastor Dean. Our talk has been a big help.”
Moving around the chair, she heard Pastor Dean scratch the floor as he pushed the chair back.
“Uh … Ginny, who’s the woman whose advice you’re going to ask? Perhaps I can talk to Willa …,” he hastily offered.
“That won’t be necessary. I think that’s where I’ve been wrong. The problem is one that a woman can’t fix. I need a man’s point of view. Thank you again, Pastor Dean. I’ll see myself out.”
Ginny turned when she heard him give a grunt of pain, seeing Pastor Dean holding his leg.
“What happened?”
“I accidentally hit the corner of the chair. Listen, Ginny—”
A knock behind her had Ginny hurrying to answer the door.
“Lucky, could you help me load a wedding cake into the van.”