His eyes search mine. “You know I’m going to leave, right? And you’re not going to try to stop me?”
“Of course not. Because you’re going to be the manager of your own studio. And one day, I’m going to drive all the way up to visit you to get my tattoo. Everyone’s got one except me. Brianna had a bluebird by you.”
He seems surprised. “How do you know it was mine?”
“I know talent when I see it.” I smile when he does. “I’d know you anywhere, Theodore Prescott.”
“If the studio doesn’t work out for me, I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he confesses in a hush. “I’m thousands away from what I need. Alistair is talking about checking out shopfronts, and I can tell he thinks I’m not going to come through.”
My phone interrupts and the caller ID makes us look at each other in panic. “It’s the Parlonis. Hello? What’s happened?”
It’s Renata. She bawls over a loud din, “Ruthie, what is this godawful noise?” In the background, I hear a faint siren. “We’re all deaf and half dead, but this is still managing to keep us all awake. Half of them are out on the pavement wondering if it’s the fire brigade.”
The sound sinks into me. “The office alarm’s going off.”
Renata says, “Well, go fix it. I don’t know how you can’t hear it. I cannot get ahold of Theodore. I have no one here to fix this noise. It’s not much to ask, is it? Peace and quiet? Do you know how much we pay to live here?” She lets out a screech of frustration.
“I’m sorry. I’ll be five minutes. Please don’t tell Sylvia. I know I locked the door. I know I did.”
“It’s just tripped. There’s nothing to steal in the office.” Teddy thinks he is helping but those words are congealing the food in my stomach. I’m sweating. I’m feeling like an animal, nothing but base reactions. He tries to catch my hand and I shy backward. “We’ll go together,” he says, but he’s too slow. He’s a person who’s never in a rush. He’s no use to me. “Ruthie, wait for me.”
I’m already running down the stairs, my hand skimming the handrail. If I fall, I’ll catch myself. I don’t think of him as I run to my car. I actually don’t have any thoughts at all.
I drive home like I’ve got Brianna in labor on my back seat. I run up the path toward my squalling baby office. I trip on a paver when I try to dodge a tortoise. For a moment I see myself from above and this windmill-limbed frantic sprint is sad to witness. This moment now begins to intercut with my memories of being sixteen and careless, distracted by a boy.
The alarm’s going off, but I can’t hear anything except my heartbeat.
My hand is jarring on the doorknob and it’s not until I register pain in my wrist that I realize that the door is locked. I drop my keys twice, unlock the door, fall inside, disarm the alarm, and sit on Melanie’s desk. I proceed to have a wheezing, squeaking panic attack.
“What happened?” Teddy says from the open doorway. Turns out he can hurry when he wants to. “Was it locked?” He asks this like he really knows me. “Breathe, breathe.” He moves me into Mel’s chair and makes me put my head between my knees. My airways have turned into a one-way street.
I don’t know what he says to me next, but through the fuzzy blackness, he somehow coaches me to exhale once.
When I can, I reply, “Yes, it was locked. Nothing happened. The alarm was tripped.” I ease up. Why did he have to follow? The last guy who witnessed this meltdown was Adam. Every time he looked at me, he had the memory of it in his eyes. I know this is very unattractive.
When Teddy kneels down between my feet and opens his arms, I crumple down into him. The smell of his body through his T-shirt is familiar to me now. That’s how long he’s been lingering in my doorway, following me around, noticing and questioning everything I do. Part of his delicious scent has adhered to my couch cushion. My scarf smells like him, my pillow, my entire bathroom …
Wait a second. “Have you been using my shampoo? That’s theft. No wonder you’ve been extra lustrous lately.”
He pulls back and won’t be distracted. “Can you tell me what happened?” He doesn’t mean right now. He means the years-ago thing. “Most people don’t check every door the way you do.”
“How on earth did you steal shampoo without me noticing?” I’m pushing away until the wheels of the chair begin to roll. “I wish I’d spoken to Brianna a little more, to find out if you’ve always been like this. If you want something from me, just ask.”
“What I want to know is this story that’s been eating you up.” His hands pull the chair back. “An alarm going off and ruining your night out is annoying, but it isn’t the end of the world. But it felt like it was to you. You can tell me.”
I blow out a breath. It’s been years since I’ve spoken out loud about this. “When I was sixteen I learned the importance of security. That’s all.”
He shakes his head. “That’s all? I don’t think so.”
I’ve never had anyone ask me about this, so I don’t know where to start. The beginning, I suppose?
“When I was sixteen, our church had a huge fund-raising event to raise money for … something. A hurricane, or an earthquake. The event was a really big deal. The local radio station was broadcasting from it. There were games, a pageant, a pie-eating contest, the works. It was really wholesome. It was like an episode of Heaven Sent.”
“I can picture it. Just FYI, I imagine your dad as Pastor Pierce.”
I smile reluctantly. “I wish. Anyway, my boyfriend, Adam, came along. I thought I was in love. He went to a different school, so spending the day together was a treat. Chaperoned by his parents and mine, of course.” When I think back to that day, all I can remember is the color of Adam’s polo top and the stench of bloody smoke coming off the grilling steaks. “Our parents approved of the relationship. Everything was perfect.”
Teddy’s starting to grimace. “I hate the part of the story where something goes wrong for you. But it’s coming.” He shuffles closer on his knees. “This is the part that hurts, isn’t it?”
I take a deep breath. “There was a charity auction that boosted the total. At the end of the day, we counted ten thousand dollars. It was a huge amount, more than we’d ever imagined, and it was cash. People had been really generous. Ten thousand dollars. My dad told me to go and put it in his office.”
“Oh.” Teddy’s got a doomed note in his voice. “Oh shit.”
Talking about this only feels possible because Teddy is such a good listener. It’s what I’ve always liked best about him. His expression is always changing as I speak. His face softens with sympathy or pinches with concern, his eyes flaring with surprise or loyal outrage hardening his brow. The way he listens to me makes it feel possible to talk about the moment where I lost my confidence and my faith.
“I took the money up to his office. I was talking to Adam as I put it in the bottom drawer of Dad’s desk. The money got stolen early that evening, probably when we were all eating leftovers from the barbecue.”