Jake’s arms stay at his sides as I keep repeating the same words over and over again like a broken record. The tears roll freely down my cheeks, staining his dark red T-shirt before the frozen statue I’m holding onto finally melts to reveal the real Jake I know and love. With his arms snaked around my lower back, he drops his chin to his chest and breathes deep.
“Sh…,” he consoles after a few minutes. “You’re breaking my heart, Reese.”
“You’re breaking mine,” I return with a sob. “I love you, Jake. You’re one of my best friends. I can’t lose you. You don’t understand. You’ve been there for me since I was a little kid. You and Milo are my rocks. And seeing you look at me like you just did? Like I was dirty? I just… I can’t let you look at me like that.”
“Sh…,” he repeats, rubbing his hand up and down my back in an attempt to soothe me. “You’re not dirty.”
“Was he right, Jake? Am I going to lose you because I look at you like an older brother? A protector? I-I can’t lose you. Please don’t leave me. I need you too much. And I need your support. I need your love. I need your texts and your friendship. I just… I can’t. I can’t live without you. I know you’ve been busy with school and with your thesis, and that’s been fine. But I need to know we’re okay.”
“We’re not okay, though, Reese,” he murmurs. I tremble in his arms but refuse to look up at him. I can’t. If I see resignation, or disappointment, or disgust, or anything that isn’t acceptance and love, then I’ll be obliterated.
Praying I’ve heard him wrong, I bite my lower lip to keep it from quivering.
“W-what?” I stammer.
“He was right, Reese. He was right. I’ve been in love with you since high school. The idea of you dating him?” His body tenses in my arms. “It…it makes me sick, Reese.”
My heart leaps into my throat until I feel like I’m choking. But I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to convince him that we’re better off as friends. That he shouldn’t want someone like me. He deserves so much more.
“Tell me something, Reese,” he whispers. His breath tickles the top of my head as I continue clinging to him. “Did you know? Did you even have an inkling of an idea that I might look at you as more than my best friend’s little sister?”
I shake my head but refuse to let him go because I’m afraid that if I do, it’ll be the last time he lets me close.
“Did you ever see me as anything more than your brother’s best friend?” he pushes, the defeat clear in his voice.
“I’ve always seen you as more than my brother’s best friend.” I squeeze my eyes shut and breathe him in, terrified it’ll be for the last time. “I’ve seen you as one of mine too.”
“But not romantically,” he finishes for me. His shoulders hunch and his arms fall to his sides. Like he’s just been stabbed, and I was the one to deliver the final blow.
But he deserves the right to move on. To be happy. To find someone who makes him feel the way River makes me feel.
So, even though it breaks my heart, I choke out, “No. Not romantically.”
He drops his head back and looks up at the ceiling, but I refuse to let him go. I can’t.
“You deserve more than a girl like me, Jake,” I tell him. “You deserve someone who looks at you like you hung the moon. You deserve someone who looks at you the way you look at me, even though I didn’t want to see it. I’m so sorry, Jake, but I’m not that girl.”
His arms return to my waist, punishing me with their iron grip for the last time before he lets me go and forces me to let him go too.
The absence kills me, but I fold my arms to keep from reaching for him again.
“Say something,” I plead.
He rubs the light scruff along his jaw. “I know you’re not that girl.”
“I’m sorry––”
“I know,” he repeats. There’s a numbness in his tone that leaves me itching to hug him again. But I don’t. Because it’s what I need. Not him. And I can’t be selfish anymore.
Wiping at my tear-stained cheeks, I choke out, “I’m so sorry, Jake.”
“You need to tell Milo.”
“I will,” I promise.
“When?”
“Soon.”
“When, Reese?” he presses.
“Soon.”
He nods. “Okay.”
“Are… Are we okay?” I whimper. “Because I really need us to be okay.”
“I need time.”
“And you can have time. As much as you need. I just…need to know that one day, we’ll be okay.”
Staying silent, his gaze bounces around my face, taking in my tear-stained cheeks and my swollen eyes before he finally caves. “I’ll try, Reese.”
“How? When? What can I do, Jake?”
“I”––he squeezes the back of his neck, the tips of his fingers turning white from the pressure––“I just need space, okay?”
And even though it kills me, I nod. “Okay. Whatever you need. But I’m here when you’re ready.”
“I know. And I’m here too.”
But he isn’t.
Not really.
Because I chose River instead.
I know it.
And so does Jake.
“I’m so sorry,” I repeat for what feels like the thousandth time.
“Reese––”
The front door slams, making the windows in Jake’s room rattle as both our heads snap toward its direction.
What the hell?
Everything happens in slow motion as we race toward the hallway, and heavy boots pound against the stairs. Milo is red with rage as I step out of Jake’s room. Pointing at me, Milo spits, “You screwing Jake too?”
I freeze. “What?”
“Stay there,” he seethes before bellowing at the top of his lungs, “River!”
He knows.
38
Reese
“Milo!” I scream.
Storming toward River’s room, my brother disregards my desperate plea and wrenches open the door like a freaking beast. Jake and I run toward him but dig our heels into the ground when we reach the threshold. It all happens so fast.
Ignoring River’s hands raised in surrender, Milo grabs his collar, cocks his arm back, and hits him. Hard. I scream and cover my mouth as blood gushes from River’s nose and down his chin, but he doesn’t retaliate.
He simply stares back at Milo, waiting for the next blow to connect.
“Milo!” I shriek.
Keeping his voice deathly calm, Milo ignores me and flexes his hand at his side. “Did you touch her, River?”
River holds his gaze. “Yeah, man. I did.”
Milo nods then hits him again. The crunch from River’s nose breaking will haunt me for the rest of my life and spurs me into motion. Scrambling for my brother’s right arm, I hold him back then wedge myself between them.
“Stop, Milo! I’m begging you to please stop!”
His haunted eyes turn to me, chilling me to the bone. “Go pack your shit. We’re leaving.”