Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
My chest rises and falls with the work of my lungs but the constant beating of my heart, the one thing keeping me from happiness, from my brother, from what matters, it’s begging me to ease it out of me.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
Set me free.
Please.
I cry as I stare at the blade, my mind a little foggy from the Goose, but it’s never let me down from escapism.
Give me peace.
The racing thoughts and pleas with my mind continue coming. I’m such a giving person, so why not set myself free for once?
Setting down the bottle, I trace the knife once more, knowing what I need to do to ebb away the pain of losing my best friend.
I will set myself free.
Chapter Twenty-One
Tennison
I don’t know why I try.
I don’t know why I live.
I don’t know why I’m here.
After leaving Colt behind, I went looking for Bridger, needing to see if he’s heard or knows anything more about Ross. But there’s something else too. I saw him with Colt. Leading her away from the cabin hidden by the lake in the back. I haven’t been here long, but it’s apparent there’s something out there he’s hiding.
As much as I want to know what, I also worry about Ross.
Where is he?
Why did the twins take him?
Did they hurt him?
Turning the corner of the second hallway, I see Jordan and Lux making out. Lux is pinned against the wall. My dick twitches at the sight. I almost hate them right now. Yes, they’re exploring themselves and whatnot, but what about Ross?
What about Colt?
Because they’re obviously being fucking selfish.
I walk up to them, disappointment running through my body. “You really are fucking selfish pricks,” I growl. There’s so much happening right now. So fucking much… and all they’re focusing on is their dicks. They stop mid-kiss and turn to me. Adjusting themselves, they focus on something other than the rampant lust they’ve been carting around like fucking drugs.
“We got caught up,” Lux says over a cough. Oh, yeah, he’s really bent out of shape over Ross.
“I can see why he literally hates you as much as he loves you,” I hiss out. Ross, much like me, has held a candle for the unattainable. While mine is for Colt and her heart, Ross’s has been for Lux since we were kids. The fact that he sees that and even deflects it constantly says so much about his respect for his supposed best friend.
Lux rushes me, grabbing my shirt and slamming me against the wall. “Watch your fucking mouth, Ten.” Usually, when he’d slam me anywhere, I’d be rock solid and ready to do whatever he pleased. Right now, all I want is to knee him in the nuts. I’ve been blinded for years over my need to fill some huge-ass hole in my chest when in reality, I’d been hurting everyone else to fulfill that. It wasn’t until Ross walked away that I realized I’d been using him in that moment too. Yeah, he’s hot as fuck, and so is Lux and the other guys, but they’re just temporary fixes for the brokenness that is me.
They’re not my relief, they’re my sutures for a cut that won’t stop infecting the rest of me.
I should have seen it when I’d lost myself last year.
I should have felt it when I didn’t fight for Colt.
I should have known when I became a sinner and decided sex, drugs, and alcohol were my only answer.
“Are you mad that I’m right, or are you mad that he almost fucked me and only stopped because you and I fucked.” Behind him, Jordan’s eyes widen, his lips mouthing what the fuck.
He slams me against the wall again and the toxic and suicidal part of me laughs. “So you’re jealous we almost fucked but you’re okay with fucking every dude in Colt’s life as long as it isn’t your best friend. You’re such a shitty person, Lux. I’m surprised he hasn’t walked out of your life for good.”
The toxicity keeps seeping from me as I let it out on him, allowing myself to feel the agony of my helpless soul. “I bet he would’ve fucked me better than you.”
It’s such a low blow but it hits him because he growls and brings our faces inches apart. “Stop talking, Tennison.”
“You’re a good lay, even I’ll admit that,” I taunt with a nod. “But his cock is bigger than yours. And, somehow, I think he’d know how to use it—” Lux lets me go as I fall to the floor. He pushes past Jordan’s questioning expression and I cackle as, once again, Jordan chases after him.
Maybe it’s not even the toxicity and chaos thrumming through my veins. Maybe it’s the fact that Lux goes along hurting every fucking person in his life and walks away on top. I’m sick of it. Rising from the ground, I smile. A bit of triumph laces my veins as nicely as any drug.
Instead of looking for Bridger, like the original plan, I decide to do one worse. I ask to go outside for a smoke. “You’re not permitted outside,” the man explains. I nod but pull out a joint, holding it in my fingers.
“Just to smoke, I’m sure the dude of the house doesn’t want this shit in there. Hell, you can even watch,” I tease. The guy rolls his eyes with a grunt and opens the back door.
Stepping out, I meet fresh air. There’s something about the seclusion of cities. The air is crisper, the bugs buzz more frequently, and the lake in front of me makes soothing noises that I feel take the weight off my chest. As I’m lighting my joint, I notice the guard checking on me. My lips meet the paper of my smoke and I inhale deeply.
The guard nods at me and I wait till he turns to let out my breath. After he’s seemingly pleased with my lie of a story, I drop the joint and sneak off toward the cabin on the lake. Sure, I could lie, say I wanted to dip my toes. It’s humid as fuck right now. It might be cold in many places this time of year, but it’s not cold here.
No one is behind me as I trail to the front door. When I knock and ring the doorbell and no one comes, I wonder if it’s because there’s no one here and it’s just a front. When I’m about to sneak around the back, the door opens.
And my heart completely stops.
“Cass?”
I wipe my eyes and look at my weed, wondering if I somehow smoked so much I’m hallucinating. He stares back at me. There’s a bit of animosity there, but he’s… he’s fucking alive. His hair’s longer, he’s bulkier, and his face looks like it has seen better days. But holy fuck, Cassidy is alive.