He swiped a hand over his head spines, then down to the back of his neck as his gaze shifted away from her. He looked to the side of her like there was something deeply interesting in a stone vase with dragons carved into it.
It was pretty enough, but she didn’t think that was why he wouldn’t meet her eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest, mostly to appear like she was totally in control of the situation, despite her glow worms flickering with what she suspected was a reflection of her internal anxiety at what his answer would be. “You said we needed to talk, so here I am. I’m ready to talk.”
That wasn’t entirely true. She felt good physically, but she also still felt dirty, and her hair was still a tangled, matted mess, and the tunic she was wearing didn’t fit her and looked like a grain sack covering her body. She needed a long soak in a bath, a really good comb, and a toothbrush. Then maybe she would feel better prepared for this conversation. Like she could ever be on equal footing with the lizard woman beauty that had scurried out of the room the moment Sarah started behaving like a savage.
“Farona is… was my tagez drahan. We grew up together. I can’t remember a time when we weren’t together, before my duty as Jotaha had me spending most of my time in the urvaka.”
Tagez drahan meant “touch friend” literally, according to the glow worm provided translation in her head, but that was the Yan-kanat equivalent of “fuck buddy,” according to the innate understanding of the language that the bugs in her head also seemed to provide. Only there was perhaps more emotion involved between the yan-kanat in that kind of relationship, because that female, Farona, was definitely in love with Jotaha, and he hadn’t exactly shoved her away from him, even when Sarah walked in on them.
“Why isn’t she your mate, if the two of you are so close?” It hurt. She couldn’t deny that. Jotaha might have saved her life and brought her to his home, but his heart seemed to belong to another woman.
He still wouldn’t meet her eyes. Only this time, he turned to pace the room, side to side, in front of her. “We had planned to be mated, but Seta Zul had other plans. I was sent to the urvaka right after I was sealed, before I could meet with Farona. That was where I met you and my seal activated to let me know you are my drahi.”
The words kept hurting, and she wondered why she kept asking more questions when she was afraid to hear the answers. But she had to know. She wouldn’t shy away from the truth. “So, you love her, and you wanted her to be your mate, but this dragon goddess chose me for you instead.”
Jotaha paused in mid-pace, his tail flicking back and forth in jerky movements, his head spines completely flat against his skull. His jaw was tight beneath the small scales that covered it. “All of that is past. You are my destiny. My seal activated for you, not Farona.”
His head bowed, his gaze fixing on the polished stone tiles beneath his feet. He still wouldn’t look at her.
Sarah’s arms shook and her stomach sank, feeling like it dropped to her feet. She was grateful she was braced with her arms crossing her chest so he couldn’t see how much his words shook her. She would get over it. She had faced far worse emotional trauma. She had walked away from the child she loved more than life itself, knowing that it was for the best. Knowing that someone else could offer her daughter a better future. Her heart had broken then. It was only severely bruised now. After all, she barely knew Jotaha. Even if he had taken on a hero status in her mind. She could get over this.
“I don’t know what this ‘seal’ is, but your goddess didn’t bother to ask my permission before ‘choosing’ me, and I don’t follow her orders, so I free you to be with the woman you actually want to be with. I just need a nice hot bath, a good brush, and a change of clothes, and then you can have someone point me in the direction to find my way back home.” She bit her lower lip, shoving her sadness deep inside her, as she’d had to do before. The heart healed. Maybe it even got stronger, like when a broken bone healed.
Jotaha’s head shot up at her words. He turned to face her, his eyes narrowed on her. He moved to grab her by her upper arms. He held her in place when she would have instinctively backed away from the seven foot tall giant looming over her. He suddenly looked menacing, his teeth bared as a sharp hiss escaped him. “You’re mine. I will never let you go, Sarah. Never.”
She tried to push off his hold with both hands, and failed, as she always did, to move him when he didn’t want to be moved. “I’m not your prisoner, Jotaha. You can’t keep me here when you don’t even want me.”
His grip tightened until it was almost painful as he lowered his head until his face hovered above hers. His forked tongue flicked out, touching her cheek as she turned her head. “No, Sarah. You are not my prisoner. We don’t take nixir prisoners. We learned that lesson long ago. If you were not my drahi, I would have left your corpse in the urvaka with the others of your kind.”
She struggled in his grip, shooting him a furious glare. “You know, I liked you a lot better when I couldn’t understand a word you were saying.”
“I can relate to that, nixir,” he snarled, suddenly releasing her arms with a sharp motion that made her stagger a few steps back.
“Well, I’m sorry your goddess decided to saddle you with an enemy for your mate. You should really take that up with her, instead of taking it out on me, you salavidu claveklin!”
Jotaha startled her by suddenly huffing loudly with what she realized was the yan-kanat version of laughter as his head spines quivered. “I am not salavidu, Sarah. Our mating spine does not hang outside our bodies at all times in an obscene manner, like your nixir males, but I most definitely possess one.”
She propped her hands on her hips, her skin sparking with bioluminescence in veiny patterns. “One minute you’re threatening me, and the next you’re laughing at me!”
His amusement evaporated, but he didn’t get angry and snarly again. Instead, he looked serious, finally meeting her eyes with a steady gaze. “Forgive me, drahi. I have not done enough to comfort you. You were ill for five cycles, and even with the help of the chanu zayul, we weren’t sure you would survive. I have not slept much in that time. Farona’s unexpected arrival, along with your sudden awakening, has caused me to behave like a nix—like an untamed beast.”
He lowered his gaze, his shoulders curving slightly inward, his spines tight against his skull. “I should not have frightened you, but I can’t stand the thought of losing you.”
“You have Farona,” Sarah said, because she was apparently a masochist who couldn’t let that last statement of Jotaha’s settle in and soothe her battered heart.
Best to get it all laid out from the start, because she didn’t want to fool herself into believing he could possibly care about her, only to be disillusioned later, when it would be the most devastating.
“I told you, Sarah. That time is past.”
She held up a hand to stop him from stepping closer to her. He paused, much to her relief, because she couldn’t hold him off otherwise.
“Sure, you told me that. But you haven’t told me you don’t love her anymore.” She lowered her hand and crossed her arms over her chest. Bracing herself again.