38
‘You’re having, or have had, an affair, am I right?’ she says, arms crossed.
She’s vibrating in that way that someone does when on the incredible high of unleashing something destructive they’ve been holding back.
Ed, the colour of a beef tomato, says: ‘No!’
‘Definitely no,’ I say, clearing my throat.
It feels as if the whole world has hit mute on background noise while this moment plays out in cinematic Dolby surround sound.
‘Oh, like I’d believe a word you say,’ Hester says to me, looking at me now: ‘With your big sad eyes and your oh-so-witty asides, trying to position yourself as the sad perma-single cat lady, a Pound Shop Velma. You’re a fucking menace in polka dots, sister.’
Justin, halfway through unwrapping champagne bottle foil, has bulging eyes like the time he took too many psychotropics at Glastonbury. We’re collectively experiencing a sensation like we’re plunging down a lift shaft.
‘Woah, don’t talk to Eve like that!’ Justin says: ‘Have your barney with Ed, but don’t drag us into it.’
‘You missed the part where she dragged her-fucking-self into it!’ Hester screams at Justin, and we shrink back.
‘What were you arguing about, at the wake?’ she continues, looking from me to Ed. ‘I walked up to you, something intense was going on. Ed was looking defensive. When I reached you, you both stopped and pretended nothing was up. Then Eve was so wound up she tore a strip off me, for no reason.’
I take half a second to admire how she’s making sure that’s not forgotten.
‘It had been a long day. We were both exhausted. I can’t even remember, I think it was some admin thing …’ Ed blusters.
‘Admin thing. That couldn’t be shared with me? Do I seem as if I’m going to be palmed off that easily, Ed? Do you think I’m stupid? It was a wake for one of your best friends. You’d done a reading, that she wrote,’ she looks at me, as if that in itself is suspicious. ‘I can’t see a reason for you to have had words, at a moment like that, unless it was something major.’
My skin is prickling and my palms are wet. I want to try to cover, but I don’t know if I should, and I can’t think how to.
‘Are you going to tell me?’ she says to me. ‘Or can you not “remember what the admin thing was about” either?’ She does air quote fingers. ‘Was the admin thing the times you met up at, oh I don’t know, wild guess – The Mercure behind my back? Or did you go to her drab spinster’s nest?’
I open my mouth and nothing comes out.
‘It was about the fact I’d had sex with Susie,’ Ed says, and time stands still for a second. ‘Once, ten years ago.’
‘What?’ Hester says, stunned, eyes flicking between us, trying to work out if this is some gambit. Blame the woman who can’t deny it. ‘Then why would Eve be angry?’
‘Because we’d hidden it from her. She found out from a letter among Susie’s personal things. Eve was furious on your behalf and insisted I should tell you before we got married.’
I’m awed by the speed by which Ed has invented this to protect me. Hester’s clearly struggling to catch up with having the right crime, infidelity – but the wrong perp, and the wrong timeline. That I might not be involved seems inconceivable to her. That’s not actually unreasonable, I think. It did to me too.
‘Once, ten years ago?’ she repeats.
‘Yes. When you were working in Switzerland.’
‘I think we should give you two some space to discuss this,’ Justin says.
‘We’ll go outside,’ Ed says to Hester, and although I don’t think she’s keen to take instruction from him, she’s too poleaxed to argue. They disappear off to the kitchen and the door to the garden shuts after them.
Justin sits down on the sofa next to me and we both make a lot of air-escaping-mouth noises, and shake our heads at each other.
‘Is it too soon for me to say “You’re a fucking menace in polka dots, sister” was an absolutely incredible line?’ Justin whispers.
‘Drab spinster’s nest! Can I get that on one of those varnished slices of wood to hang outside next to my front door?’ and Justin cracks up.
The sound of the door opening again tells us that Ed and Hester are finished debating sooner than we expected. We instinctively stand up and troop into the dining room.
‘I might have been wrong about the affair, but fuck both of you, frankly,’ Hester says, hair tousled and eyes glittering. ‘You were never my friends and you’ve done nothing but undermine me and Ed.’
We stand and take it, blankly. She pulls her engagement ring from her finger, throws it on the table and runs up the stairs, her feet thundering like someone’s banging drums, Ed in close pursuit.
‘I deserved that, how did you deserve that?’ I say to Justin. I look over at Leonard on the chaise longue, who’s sleeping through.
‘Hester! Hester?’ Ed chases her across the landing. Justin and I listen with gritted teeth to his progress following her, trying to talk her down throughout her packing. Five minutes later, Hester exits the cottage like a blonde hurricane.
‘You had pints at lunch, are you even safe to drive?!’ Ed shouts, offstage.
We hear the roar of a car engine, the wheels spinning in mud and noise of an ex-fiancée, accelerating away.
Ed returns, eyes wide with shock, still bristling with the rush of the confrontation and the speed with which his engagement broke.
‘Have you made up?’ Justin says.
‘Ha ha,’ Ed says. He picks the ring up off the table and pockets it.
‘Speaking of which, I appreciate this is a lesser issue, but Hester was our ride home,’ Justin says.
‘Could ask if she’ll come back and pick us up tomorrow?’ I say.
‘I’m glad you two find this so bloody funny,’ Ed says, affronted, but without enough moral high ground to go for anger.
‘Sorry,’ I say.
‘Pardon us, we know you’ve had a time of it. But Eve and I got an absolute volley of verbals and I’ve had my birthday weekend annihilated, so I don’t think we’re without rights to find some laughter in this darkness?’ Justin says, with both self-control and an edge.
‘Yeah,’ Ed says, limply, rubbing his closed eyes. ‘Sorry. We’ve split up, anyway. As you may have gathered.’
‘She’s definitely finished with you, you don’t think you can mend it?’ I say.
‘No,’ Ed says, raising his embattled gaze to meet both of ours. ‘I ended it. It was about time.’
Neither of us know how to respond to that.
‘Justin. Can I talk to Eve, alone?’
Justin says: ‘Well, merry birthday, Justin!’ before adding: ‘Yes yes, I fancied a ciggy out on that bench anyway.’
He puts on his coat and bobble hat and picks up the discarded Moët.
‘I shall swig from the bottle, in the manner of a tramp who’s won the Pools.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Ed says once Justin has left. ‘That was one hundred per cent my mess and you got dragged by the hair into it. Sorry for the vicious things Hester said, she wasn’t herself.’