Instead, head high, she walked out the motel door, stepping pointedly around Billy who stood like an ice sculpture outside the room, and headed for the parking lot, where she put her suitcase in the trunk of her car, climbed behind the steering wheel, and drove away without a glance back.
Billy was now on his own.
*
The fight was stupid. Billy hadn’t even seen it coming. One minute they were talking about logistics, and how to make things work, and the next minute, hard, brutal things were being said, and then Erika was grabbing her things and leaving.
And leaving Beck behind.
It was a shock, and her knee-jerk reaction made him livid, but in that moment she marched out to her car and drove away, Billy was glad.
He was glad to be rid of her, and rid of her opinions, and her endless pious, Miss Perfect judgment. He didn’t need her to make him feel worse. He was already trying to sort through all of his emotions, as it was a lot to take in over a few days. Learning that he was a dad. Learning that April had died in such a tragic accident. Learning that he’d have to overnight become a single parent to a child he’d had no relationship with.
It wasn’t that he couldn’t do it, either. It was just that it took some adjusting to. Mentally. He needed time to wrap his head around, well, everything.
And if she—this want-to-be therapist—couldn’t give him time to adjust, then she wasn’t cut out to be a therapist, never mind a friend.
Erika had had a month to come to terms with everything he’d only just learned this past week. She had a month. She’d given him what… days?
It wasn’t just unfair, it was unrealistic. And this was why he didn’t like therapists. He didn’t like the whole get analyzed and explore all your feelings and relive a painful childhood. Everyone had a painful childhood. Everyone got beat up. Everyone was hurt and disappointed. Dammit, people were people and they failed each other all the time.
Best way to deal with disappointment was to grow up and get some perspective. Life could be shitty, but it could also be beautiful and exciting and that was the challenge. Balance the bad with the good, and try to squeeze in more good. Make sure to find all the little happy bits so that you were aware of the blessings. And the joy. As rough and broken as they might be.
It was what his mom had done after his dad died, and it was what Granddad had taught them as well. Feelings could only take you so far. The best thing one could do was get dressed and straighten their damn shoulders and face the day.
And that was what Billy did, every single day.
And that was what he’d do now, with his son.
Billy entered the motel room, and sat down on the carpet next to his son who was now sucking on the spine of his fabric book while waving his legs in the air.
Billy tugged on the soft terry cloth fabric covering Beck’s toes, bunching the pale blue fabric. Cute little guy. But of course he was. He was a Wyatt.
*
Erika drove away from the motel angry, so angry. She drove, silently cursing Billy, using every inappropriate swear word there was. She understood he had a career, she understood he needed to earn money. That was a given. Everyone had jobs and bills. And she wasn’t asking him to sacrifice the entire next year. She just wanted him to focus on Beck for a bit. Why was it all or nothing? Why couldn’t he be a competitive cowboy and a hands-on dad?
He could compete next month, or next fall, or heck, next year. Taking off a few weeks, or months, to spend time with his baby wouldn’t end his career, but it would be vital for Beck’s growth and emotional health.
Whether he liked it or not, Billy was a father, and he needed to bond with Beck. He needed to be present and available, to help Beck feel safe and loved. To create a deep attachment without fear of abandonment. But so far it seemed that Billy was more interested in putting on his chaps and hat than becoming a nurturing parent. So typical of a man, though. They always put themselves first, always saw the world exclusively through their masculine lens.
Maybe one hundred years ago that was fine, but women today were also working full-time and women shouldn’t have to shoulder domestic pressures alone. A man could cook and clean and do laundry and childcare just as well as a woman—
Erika glanced down at her speedometer and saw that she was flying down the highway, driving way too fast. She eased her foot off the accelerator, realizing she was shaking. This wasn’t okay. Just because she was upset didn’t mean she could lose all control. The fact that she lost her temper with Billy made her feel even worse. Erika prided herself on her self-control. She’d grown up determined not to be volatile like her mom, or detached and distant like her dad. And yet she’d just blown up, the way her mom used to, and shouted at Billy, just the way her mom once shouted at her dad.
Ugh.
Awful.
Erika felt awful.
At the next highway exit she pulled off and sat on the shoulder of the frontage road fighting hot tears.
She couldn’t believe she’d just driven off and left Beck, too. It was absurd. Immature. Hurtful. It was fine to have emotions—everyone had them—but it wasn’t okay to have a tantrum. And it was definitely not okay to walk out on Beck like she did. How childish could she be?
Blinking hard, she reached into her purse for a tissue and wiped her eyes, and beneath her eyes where mascara had made little black smudges, and then with gritted teeth shifted out of PARK, crossed the highway on the overpass, and headed back the direction she just came.
She had to return. She owed Billy an apology, and she owed Beck more than just walking out in a temper.
That was what her parents did. Lost control. Raged. Hurled accusations. Stormed off. Returned and retaliated with days of icy, punishing silence. Then repeated the cycle over and over again. There was a reason she didn’t want to be like either of them. It was a terrible way to live and a damaging way to interact with others.
She could do better. She would do better. But first, she needed to apologize. And maybe, just maybe, set healthier boundaries because she didn’t like who she was when she lost control.
Thankfully, Billy was at the motel when she returned. Erika was glad. She was also glad she’d turned around when she had because she hadn’t been gone long enough for Billy to pack up Beck and leave. No, she was just gone long enough to be mortified by her dramatic, childish tantrum and exit.
If Billy was surprised to see her at the motel door, he didn’t reveal it. He was kind enough not to say anything sarcastic, either. “Hello.”
As she stood on the doorstep her cheeks felt hot and her insides felt shivery and sick. “That was totally immature of me—”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“No, it is. I’m sorry. I hate what I just did.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. It was awful and I’m so embarrassed. I’m sorry.”
“I owe you an apology as well. I’ve not communicated very well with you and I can see how it’s made everything so much harder. I promise to work on it, and try to give you more time to work on your dissertation.”
Gratitude and relief washed through her. Thank goodness he was handling the fight better than she’d expected. Driving back, she’d worried things would only escalate when she returned. She was glad he wasn’t like her dad. No icy silence from Billy. “I understand in theory how to handle conflict, but in reality, I’m not very good at it. I think those of you with siblings probably have more experience with disagreements.”