Her eyes, when she looks at me, are hard. She bites her lip, and her face softens. Her words are soft, too. “I didn't think that you would act this way.”
What? Jealous? I frown. “What way?”
“So...disgusted.”
My eyes widen. “Is that what you think I am?”
“Isn't it?”
I tighten my grip on the beer bottle, tilting my head back to get a swallow—and break eye contact. The liquid burns my throat and pretty soon I have no choice but to look at her again. This time, her eyes and face are sad. Because I made her feel judged. Which is really unforgivable.
“Hey...I'd never judge you. And I'm not disgusted.” I bump her shoulder awkwardly with mine, and she steps quickly away. She leans against the counter, putting some space between us, then turns sideways so she's facing me.
“It's not something that I'm proud of. The man was married, and what I did was wrong. I could tell you that I did it for money, because I did, but that wouldn't make it right. The affair didn't last long, and the two of us were never emotionally involved. He didn't want to get to know me on more than just a superficial level.
“If I could go back, I would find another way to make money. Even prostitution would have been morally better than that. At least I think so.”
I nod, trying my damndest to act casual, but my throat is so tight I can't speak.
“I'm sorry.” Her lips twist into a frown as she notices my clam up. “Does this make you uncomfortable?”
I take another swig of the beer and lie my ass off. “Hell no. Sex?”
“Well, it wasn't actually sex.”
“Even if it was. I'm fine with it.” I shrug, and she gives me a doubting look.
“You don’t have to worry about my feelings.”
“My feelings are that you were young and desperate. Isn't that what you said?”
“I had no money, and the job is what got me through, but it's also what got me here.”
“How?”
She shakes her head and walks back to the couch. I follow, moving the popcorn onto a table so there's nothing in between us. Merri's got her arms around herself. I put my hand on her forearm, and her eyebrows scrunch low in confusion. It looks like she thinks I've lost my mind, except I can see her cheeks getting pinker. I can see the way her eyes fill up with tears. So I take her hand.
“Look, Merri...I swear I wasn't judging you. You want the truth? It makes me fu— it pisses me off.”
She shakes her head. “But...I don't get it. Are your reasons like, religious? Or moral? It just pisses you off that people do what I did at all?”
I squeeze her hand and look down at it, so I don't have to look into her eyes.
“That's not it.” Against my will, my gaze finds hers. The words get hung up in my throat. I swallow. “I just don't think he was worthy of you.”
Merri
I'M NOT SURE I heard him right. “Worthy of me?”
“Yeah.” His voice sounds low. “When married men take advantage of young girls in compromised circumstances, that makes them sick fucks.”
I flinch a little at the term, and he frowns. “Sorry. Fracks.” He lets go of my hand and stands up, wiping his right palm on his ridiculous cut-off shorts. “Sex or not,” he says, “it’s wrong. Wrong of him. And then what happened next. How the fu— How did that happen, Merri? I want to know.”
I stand up, too. If I'm going to tell him—and I'm not sure that I am—I'll need to put some distance between us. With a sideways glance at him, I walk to the refrigerator and grab another beer, downing half of it before I turn back toward Evan. He's still standing in front of the couch. He looks intense. Upset.
Why does he care so much? “How do you know he wasn’t worthy of me?” The words are soft, pulled from my throat. His blue eyes are on me and I want to run and hide. Instead I step a little closer to the living area. “It's true that I was innocent, but what if at some point I wasn't anymore? You don't know I wasn't.”
My ears are ringing. I can't take my eyes off his face. I watch as his expression goes from staunch to passionate.
“Yes I do.” He says it so vehemently.
I shake my head. I'm surprised to feel my eyes fill up with tears. “You don't know anything about me, Evan.”
I stand there, shaking slightly, thinking of the things I'll never tell him, as Evan walks slowly to me. With his eyes on mine, he gently takes my hands and clasps his right one over both of them.
“Listen to me, Merri. I know we haven't known each other long, but it doesn't take long to see that you're a good person. A person who takes care of other people and tries her best to make things right.”
For the longest time, his eyes pierce mine. I feel like he is looking down into my soul. It's all I can do not to shrink away. And then, in the span of one of my racing heartbeats, his lips are on my lips. The sensation of his mouth fluttering over mine sets a fire inside my chest. My stomach clenches in a knot as he gently touches his tongue to the corner of my mouth, like he wants to come inside but doesn’t dare; I feel the warmth of his breath on my throat as he moves his mouth off mine. A squeeze of his hand around my shoulder, then he pulls away.
My heart is beating so fast I think I might be sick.
Evan is standing there wide-eyed, like something catastrophic has just happened.
“Meredith.” It’s whispered. He whirls around and I hear him mutter a curse word.
I shut my eyes. I don’t want to see regret on his face if he turns back around. I don’t want to know what happens next.
My eyes are still shut when his hand clasps mine again, and when I open them, his face is serious. Contrite.
“Come with me.” He gently tugs me toward the couch. I follow his lead, sinking down into the leather though it feels like I am floating halfway to the ceiling. I’m feeling too exposed to look at him, so I train my eyes on a spot on the wall.
He lets go of my hand, and I look over at him just in time to see the caution on his face as his right hand reaches for my knee. His fingers touch down on my skin and the sensation is delicious. I get hot all over; hotter, still, when he brushes his thumb over my knee.
“We haven't known each other long, but we've been through some shit, and I can see you, okay? I've known a lot of women, and I know how to spot an asshole when I see one.”
I shake my head. Clearly he doesn't. Only an asshole leaves her family without a word and goes and messes around with some other woman's husband. Tears blur my view of the room, and I look at the floor. “I think the female version of asshole is bitch.”
“Who told you you're a bitch?”
I scoot a tiny bit away from him, forcing his hand off my leg, because I just can’t stand it there right now. “Nobody did. Nobody had to. I'm not saying that it's all my fault, but I made some bad decisions. Now they're mine to bear. I can't blame anybody else for that.”
Out of the corner of my eyes, I see him lean over, resting his elbows on his knees. “So tell me what happened. What kind of bad decision is punishable by what happened to you?”