I wouldn’t get to say goodbye to Grace…
I couldn’t go back. I’d lose my nerve.
This punched me right in the heart, made me feel like I couldn’t breathe.
My baby…
I’d seen her for the last time and I didn’t even know it. I’d kissed her face and snuggled her and smelled her head and I didn’t savor it, I didn’t hold it in…
She was more mine than she ever was Annabel’s. She’d always be mine, even when she didn’t remember a thing about me.
And that would have to be good enough.
I had to hope that the tiny pieces she’d gotten of me would be enough to last a lifetime.
I’d call her case worker and my lawyer and make sure they knew where she was.
I wiped the tears off my cheeks, looked down at my phone, and cleared the address from the search bar. And suddenly the road ahead was a giant question mark.
I’d set off all those years ago to live my life. To be a butterfly in the wind. I’d left on my quest alone. No cameraman to mic me up and follow me and edit my footage. No production assistant to book hotel rooms and plan agendas. Nothing but a single suitcase and the clothes on my back. I had that in the car now. I even had my passport. I’d embarked with a goal to laugh and see the world and live like I had one year left. And now maybe I actually did.
I wasn’t ready to give up my love for life. And I wasn’t going to spend one more day looking at the sun. I’d never do it again. I chose living—because anything else was just waiting to die.
I started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot. When I had to make a turn, I went wherever the wind took me.
CHAPTER 30
THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SURVIVING A BREAKUP (THAT’S YOUR FAULT)
ADRIAN
Nothing had changed about my place. The tree was still up and lit, Grace’s swing was still next to the sofa. Even Vanessa’s throw blanket was where she’d left it, balled up on the couch, smelling like her. But everything was different now. Like the lights had gone on in a nightclub.
I hadn’t heard from Vanessa in two days. Since she hung up on me on New Year’s Eve.
The second it happened, I knew I’d fucked up.
I’d turned my car around, called Lenny and asked him to go in my place, and drove straight to Stillwater. But Vanessa wouldn’t answer my calls or texts and I didn’t know where to go. I googled bed-and-breakfasts in the area and drove to each one, looking for her car, but I couldn’t find it.
That was the last time I spoke to her.
I betrayed her. I made her choose: me or herself.
And she’d called my bluff.
That ultimatum was an act of desperation from a despondent, sleep-deprived man who was descending into madness at the thought of losing her. It was manipulative and wrong, and I could have never in a million years acted on it. I knew that now more than ever. I wasn’t capable of leaving her, no matter what her position on the end of her life continued to be.
Everything in my universe had been forcefully ranked all of a sudden. My shortcomings laid out with the clarity of hindsight—I was so afraid of being left again by someone I loved I couldn’t even wrap my brain around what was right and wrong.
I should have done what she said. Gone to grief counseling, joined a support group, found a therapist, talked to someone. Anything other than what I did. Anything other than shutting down and giving her an ultimatum because I couldn’t handle the choice she made—and it was her choice to make. She was an expert witness on ALS, giving her testimony, and I’d refused to listen because I wasn’t emotionally capable of accepting it. I was as damaged as they came and I’d never done a fucking thing about it, I’d never dealt with any of it, my abandonment issues, my need for control.
I was no different from Richard. Only I left my family without going anywhere.
I didn’t think things could possibly get worse than they already were.
I’d been wrong.
This was my rock bottom. This.
I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. It felt like my family had disintegrated. Like I’d failed them and my wife had left me and taken our kid. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was afraid to leave. I kept everything quiet so I’d hear her next door if she came home, but she didn’t.
I’d given away the time we had left.
She was right. I should have cherished every second with her.
I wanted to go back in time and talk to her on the car ride back to Minnesota from Nebraska. I wanted to take her to the candy store she asked to see and have lunch with her that day she came to my office and kiss her as the ball dropped on New Year’s Eve. Instead I’d spent those last days just staring at the sun.
And now I was living the worst possible thing twice.
I hoped she just needed some space. Maybe she just needed to calm down. Then she’d come back, give me the chance to apologize. I was clinging to that hope.
It was almost 2:00. I was in the living room with my head in my hands when my cell phone rang. I jumped for it, but it was only Becky.
I dragged a hand down my mouth and slid the phone to my ear. “Hey—”
“Adrian, what have you done?”
Her voice was shaking.
I sat up. “What are you talking about?”
“Vanessa just uploaded a video.”
I hung up on her and bolted to my laptop to bring up her channel.
The video opened with Vanessa sitting in a Delta lounge. Her eyes were red and puffy. It was entitled “Goodbye Forever.”
My stomach dropped.
“Hey, everyone.” She did her wave at the camera. But she didn’t have the usual light around her eyes. She was in a hoodie and her hair was in a messy braid. She looked the way I felt. Heartbroken.
“I wish I were here to give you better news, but like you see from the title of this, this is going to be my last video. I haven’t been honest with all of you, and I want to be honest now because I think you deserve that.” She paused. “For the last few months, I’ve been having what I’m afraid might be the early-onset symptoms of ALS.
“I’ve been giving my life a lot of thought and knowing that I might only have a little time left, I’ve decided how I want to spend it. And that’s in privacy.
“I’ll still be out there in the world. And I’ll make videos of my final time here, if that’s what I’m staring down at. But they won’t be released until after my death. Why?” She shrugged. “Because they’ll be worth more when I’m gone, and I’d like to give my charity one final push after I go. My last middle finger to this disease—while I can still lift one.” She gave the camera a weak smile.
“You guys have been the wind beneath my wings. Truly. I couldn’t have done any of this without you. We’ve raised millions for ALS research and done more for awareness than I could have ever hoped for. You gave me a legacy I can be proud of and one day all of this will save lives. Thank you for that. For giving me a platform and for making a difference.” Then she took a deep breath, and her face went sadder than it already was. “Jesus’s Abs—Adrian.” She looked right at me. “I never told you thank you. I never told you a lot of things. You gave me so much over the last month. You were a friend and a support. You made me feel safe and still. You gave me the chance to have a family of my own for a little while, and though I know I wasn’t, I felt like I got to be a wife.” Her chin quivered, and my heart shattered. “You are the love of my life—and not because my life is probably going to end a lot sooner than I hoped. I want you to know that I don’t blame you for not being able to do this. I hope you find someone who can give you the lifetime of memories that I can’t, because you deserve it.” She pressed her lips together like she was trying not to cry. “Don’t ever forget the things I taught you. Life’s too short, Adrian. It is too fucking short. Eat the cake, take the vacation, dance in the rain. And don’t do anything that’s going to break your heart. I’m just sorry that in this case, that thing was me.”