Maybe he’s her fake funeral date.
“Muffy! Oh my god, it is you. I told Hendrick that there was no way you were back after you basically ghosted the entire school after you auctioned off your virginity, but oh my god, here you are! This is Hendrick. Hendrick Meyer. Yes, of those Meyers. We got married last summer.” The annoying skinny cow shoves her hand in my face so that I can see a diamond ring the size of the Titanic surrounded by diamond chips the size of large tugboats.
Tyler steps between us before I can say a word. “Hi. Tyler Jaeger. I’m Muffy’s boy toy. Offered to be here for fun, not because I have to be for risk of pissing off the ol’ ball and chain. We’re hooking up with one of my teammates for a threesome later. You follow the Thrusters? Heard of Rooster Applebottom? Guy’s freaky. But we don’t fuck around with married people. Sorry. Can’t invite you.”
I choke on air.
Connie goes completely silent.
Hendrick clears his throat.
And everyone who was watching the casket get lowered turns to stare at us.
“Oh, shit, did I do that awkward thing again?” Tyler looks at me and rolls his eyes. “Babe, you gotta tell me when I’m supposed to keep the handcuffs out of the cemetery.”
I try to talk, but all that comes out is a strangled noise that sounds like I’m a mooing cow.
Yeah. I sound like my cousin Kami’s “dog.”
Tyler grins and slides a hand to my ass. “Alright. If you insist. I’ll wear the bridle this time.”
Connie gapes, then abruptly turns on her heel, trips—mental note: the grass is soft and I should not attempt quick turns in my own heels—and face plants while her husband watches.
“C’mon, sexy pants.” Tyler squeezes my ass. “Let’s go pay our respects to the lovely doctor.”
Instead of steering me toward Veda, though, he spins me into his body, grabs me by the back of my head, and slams his mouth over mine.
Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god.
I am not a good kisser. I’ve had exactly three boyfriends in my entire life, and two of them were when I was in high school, one of which was freshman year, when we thought dating meant passing notes in class, and he was only my boyfriend in my head and never actually knew I thought he was my soulmate for six weeks, three days, and four hours.
Kissing practice?
My mother only thinks I have it because I try to out-outrageous her at every opportunity, and also because I have to tell her I’m going somewhere when I leave for all my shifts at Cod Pieces. I’m all talk.
But Tyler is all action.
And oh my god, is he action.
It wasn’t like this in the fridge. In the fridge, he was handsy and only a little kissy after the first attempt got awkward, plus it was all over so fast, but now?
His lips are hot and aggressive, and I can’t keep up with what he’s doing with them, but I don’t think it matters, because if I quit thinking and let myself go, my body knows.
My mouth knows.
My hands are gliding all over his chest, over the thick, warm fabric of his white shirt, under the wool of his outer coat, my fingers taking in more solid muscle than they’ve felt since I was poking cadavers in my med school days, which is not something I want to think about while Tyler’s grinding his pelvis against mine and devouring my mouth with his and desecrating this entire cemetery.
Thank god Veda’s family aren’t religious.
Why can I not get out of my own head?
Because you know he’s faking it, Muffy.
I sigh and my whole body sags in defeat, which Tyler apparently takes as a sign that I’m fully surrendering to his kiss, because he deepens it even more.
And oh.
Oh, my.
Is that a petrified bratwurst in his pants, or is he just happy to be kissing me?
And is that me that I smell, or are other people getting turned on watching us make out?
Am I an exhibitionist?
Holy hell. My panties are soaked. My nipples could cut glass. And I’m thrusting my tongue into Tyler’s mouth like there’s an ice cream cone waiting at the back of his throat.
Tyler Jaeger is a kissing god.
I did not realize this the night of the private club fridge incident.
But he is. Everywhere his hand roams, my nerves spontaneously light themselves on fire. I want to strip out of my dress and beg him to lick me from head to toe. I want to ride him like a mermaid riding a dolphin and drown in this intense feeling of being a sexy, desirable, untamed woman with her whole life together.
Am I unbuttoning his shirt?
Oh my god.
I’m unbuttoning his shirt.
“Hate to break up the party,” a voice that sounds like Veda says somewhere in the hazy distance, “but if you two don’t quit pawing at each other, I think my uncle’s going to have a heart attack, and one funeral in a week is quite enough with me.”
Tyler freezes with his tongue in my mouth.
I squeak.
Kind of.
Oh my god, I can smell myself. I really am turned on.
I need to change my underwear before I can ride home in the same car as myself for the next three hours, never mind riding in the same car as Tyler.
How, exactly, does one unentangle her tongue from someone else’s when there’s an audience?
Not asking for a friend.
Tyler abruptly pulls back, wipes his thumb over the saliva left dangling on my lip, and clears his throat. “Sorry, Veda.”
“Oh, no, don’t apologize to me.” She grins at him. “I’ve never seen Connie Bra-cow-ski silenced so quickly. That was glorious. You’re forgiven for being an ass at breakfast. Thanks for coming to my dad’s funeral.”
I wipe my mouth too, but it doesn’t scrub off the feeling of Tyler kissing me. “What else can we do? Need anything else? We don’t have to leave for…what? Another hour or two?” I look at Tyler, immediately wish he had the decency to look like someone who wasn’t just kissing the stuffing out of me on top of a grave, then look at the ground. “When did you tell the coach you’d be back?”
“Team meeting at four.”
“Oh, no, then you should get going,” Veda says. “Thank you so much for being here. And for the margarita. And dinner. And breakfast.” Veda hugs me tight and drops her voice. “Oh my god, Muffy, that was the hottest kiss I’ve ever seen. If you don’t do something about that and give me all the details, I’ll basically never forgive you.”
“We should tell Daisy we’re leaving,” I reply.
“Not a chance,” Tyler says. “She’s in her zone. We go over there, we’ll be partying on a riverboat for the next three days.”
“Seriously?” Veda grins at him. “That’s an option?”
He shakes his head, also not looking at me. “Two years ago? Definitely. I was there. Now? No chance. Disgusting as it is, she’s way too into my brother, and he’s not much of a partier.”
“If he ever decides to throw a three-day riverboat party that he lets her plan, let me know.”
Tyler laughs, and my vagina fangirls like a middle-aged woman at a boy band reunion concert. “You got it.”
Neither of us say a word on the way to his car.
I don’t ask if we can stop somewhere so I can change my panties.
He doesn’t ask if I need any more Donettes.