She grimaced. “It hasn’t been a great day.”
“Oh no,” I said. “Do you know what happened?”
“He wasn’t really talking to me. He’s in his room. He didn’t even want Caitlyn around him.”
I nodded, feeling miserable for him. “I better talk to him.”
She gave me a hug. “We’ll see you tomorrow. Call me later if you want to talk.”
“Thanks.”
“Caitlyn, let’s go.”
I walked them out and went into Jace’s room. He was lying on his bed with yet another book. “Hey, bud,” I said and sat down.
“Hi, Mom.”
“How are you?”
“It’s almost bedtime. You’re late.”
I sighed and nodded. “I know. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for dinner. It’s been a busy week.”
“I know you have to work a lot.”
“Did you have a bad day at school?” I asked him.
“I don’t like school.”
“I’m sorry, buddy. Was it the kids picking on you?”
He put his book down and sat up. “How come I don’t have a dad?” he asked.
“Sweetie, not everyone has a dad. That little guy we met at your open house didn’t have a dad living with him.”
“His dad is in the Army,” he corrected. “He has a dad.”
This was not a problem that was going away. “What did they say?”
“They just say I don’t have a dad because he ran away. They say because he doesn’t like me.”
“Oh no, no, no,” I said. I was not going to allow him to be tormented over something he had no control over. “Sweetie, that is not true. Your dad would be here if he could.”
“But why can’t he?” he asked. “Where is he?”
I was going to hell, but I had to think of something, and there was only one thing that would satisfy his curiosity and get the other kids to shut up. “Jace, your father died when you were still in my belly.” The lie felt bitter on my tongue. I hated to say it, but I didn’t know what else to say.
“My dad died?” he asked with shock.
“Yes. I’m sorry. I thought it would be better if we never talked about him so you wouldn’t feel sad.”
He seemed more confused than anything. “I was in your belly?”
“Yes. When I was pregnant with you. You never met him, and he never met you. I know if he could have met you, he would never leave you. You are the best son any mom or dad could ask for. You are amazing.”
“How come he died?”
Fuck. “He got sick,” I said.
“Oh.”
“You can tell the other kids that your dad loves you from heaven. They can’t make fun of you.”
“Do you have a picture?” he asked innocently.
Oh, this kid was making this way too hard. “I don’t, hon.”
“Do I look like him?” he asked.
That part, I could answer. “You do.”
“How?”
“You have his hair color,” I told him.
He looked at my hair. “I thought I had your hair color.”
I smiled. “Your hair is darker than mine. Your dad had really dark hair. You have the same mouth as him too.”
He touched his lips. “Were you guys married?”
I was just digging a bigger hole for myself. When he grew up and learned the truth, he was going to hate me for lying to him. “No, we were not married.”
“The other kids have lots of mommies and daddies.”
I had to laugh. “That’s because their mommies and daddies married new people. Then they get stepparents. A lot of kids end up with three or four parents.”
He looked mind blown. “Are you going to get married?”
I needed more wine. This was not the conversation I was planning to have when I got home. I was not prepared for this. This was the kind of thing a parent needed to plan for. I was being put on the spot and I was certain I was saying all the wrong things. When he was in therapy in twenty years, this conversation was going to be the one he told the counselor about.
I was in it now and there was no way back. “I don’t know,” I said honestly. “Maybe one day I will. Do you want me to get married?”
“Do I get a new dad if you get married?”
I laughed. “Yes, I suppose you do.”
“Then I want you to get married. I want a new dad. You have to get a boyfriend first.”
“Who told you that?” I asked. I was really going to have to have a conversation with his teacher. I wanted to know what they were teaching. The last thing I needed was family dynamics one-oh-one being taught to my little boy.
“Caitlyn.”
“Caitlyn?” I said with surprise. “Were you guys talking about this?”
“Caitlyn wants a dad. She says her mom says she has to find a boyfriend first.”
I nodded. “That sounds like a good plan.”
“So, are you going to get a boyfriend?”
“I will think about it. Now, you need to get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Are you going to work late tomorrow too?” he asked.
It was the kind of question that could cut a mama’s heart in two. “I’ll try not to.”
He looked bummed. “That’s okay.”
It wasn’t okay. I kissed his forehead and turned on his nightlight before walking out. I looked at him one last time as he was cuddled up in bed. I couldn’t believe I just lied to my son. I grabbed my glass of wine and carried it into my room to change into my pajamas. I was failing at life right now. I didn’t like the way I felt about work, about my home life, and about Nash.
My life was not going in the right direction. I needed to make some changes. I knew what I had to do. I went back to the kitchen and dug around to find something to eat. I settled for the tuna casserole from the other night. I poured another glass of wine and sat down at the table with my laptop.
I took a deep breath and opened the writing program. How to start? This was going to be one of the hardest things I did, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
“Dear Nash,” I started. I stopped and deleted it. “To whom it may concern.”
I growled and backspaced again. I was going formal. I started the resignation letter once again. I opened with a basic thank you for the opportunity before I jumped right into my reason for leaving. I apologized for the lack of notice and thanked him for the opportunity to work for the firm.
I hit the print button and heard the printer at my desk whir to life. I finished my dinner and then went to get the letter. I stared at it. It was crazy to be holding my resignation letter in my hands. I never imagined I would be quitting the job I used to love. It had to be done.
Jace was more important than a paycheck. He was going through a difficult time in his life, and I needed to be completely present. I needed to be there for him before and after school. I knew Joss would appreciate the help with the carpool. I had relied on her for too long. It was time I stepped up.
I finished the wine and went to bed.
The following morning, Jace and I went through our normal routine. The whole time, I had a knot in my stomach just thinking about what I was going to do. “I’ll see you after school,” I told Jace.