“Probably.” I always loved Cole Creek, but forced myself to hold it at a distance, because it wasn’t part of that damn plan.
“So, things are going well then?”
“Mmm hmm.” I sip my coffee and swallow down my pride. “I fucked up, Han.”
She nods. “We all do at some point.”
“I don’t know that we all do it quite like I did, though. I mean, five years of denial, four of which I really put the blinders on.”
Hannah is quiet for a minute, then, “How long do you think it would have taken you to figure it out if you hadn’t found the letter?”
“Not long.”
“No?”
I pull in a breath and let it out carefully. “I already knew Lane and I weren’t going to work, but I think I held on out of fear of hurting Jett. In hindsight, it probably made things worse.”
“He’s young, Hay. He’ll roll with the punches, especially if you and Jesse are going to give this a go.”
“He asked about Lane last night and it just about broke my heart.”
“Yeah.” She makes a sympathetic face. “That’s going to be a difficult road to navigate.”
“Jesse suggested we try to see him today, just so Jett can say hi.”
Hannah’s eyebrows dart up. “You’re kidding me?”
“He honestly took it better than I did.”
“Wow,” she sighs, bringing her coffee to her mouth. “Actually, that’s exactly what I’d expect from him.”
“He just wants what’s best for Jett.” We both do, which is why I texted Lane before we left Dunkin’ and told him we were in town. It wasn’t an easy message to send, especially when our last conversation popped up. The one about me coming for Jesse. The one I’m sure he’s going to try and continue today.
“You can do this, sis.”
I know I can. Because this time, I’m not stepping into the fire alone. This time, I have Jesse behind me.
Three hours later, after a visit with my parents and a quick errand, Jett and I arrive at Fremont Investments. Since it’s lunchtime and my little boy’s stomach has turned into an endless pit, we have a bag full of McDonald’s with us, too. I hadn’t planned on a lunch date, but maybe it’ll help break the ice.
“Jett!” Kaley, the front desk receptionist, rushes from her seat, headphones perched on top of a mess of red curls, to sweep Jett up in a big hug. “I haven’t seen you in forever. Look how tall you’ve gotten!”
“I’m four now,” he says proudly.
“I can tell!” She pinches his cheek and turns to me with another bright smile. “Wow, Hayden, you look amazing. Did you do something different with your hair?”
“Um, no?” I pat my messy bun and shrug. “But thanks.”
She laughs and shakes her head. “Well, you look good, whatever it is. I assume you’re here to see Lane?”
“Yeah, is it okay if we go up?”
“Absolutely. I’ll buzz you through and you know where to go from there.” She waves at Jett and wrinkles her nose as she heads back to her desk and hits the button to unlock the glass doors that give way to the elevators.
“Can I hit the buttons, Mama?” Jett asks as we approach, just like he always does.
“Of course. Do you remember which ones?”
“Uh huh!” He hops off and stabs his little finger at the up arrow. The doors open immediately and, when we step inside, he presses the button for the third floor like a pro, too.
“Gosh, you’re smart.”
“I know. Pretty soon, I’ll be in preschool.”
“You sure will.” But maybe not the preschool we’d planned on him attending.
“Lane’s back in his office.” Amy, the third-floor receptionist, greets us with a smile when we exit the elevator a minute later, and I pull back my shoulders, preparing for the inevitable.
My only game plan is to stand my ground and do my best to ignore the underhanded comments and insinuations I know are coming. It’s how Lane operates, after all, getting his way by making me feel guilty.
Is he wrong to be upset that I want to be closer to Jesse right now? No. We had more than seven years together and, even though we both knew our relationship was over, untangling from each others’ lives will undoubtedly be messy and, at times, even painful.
I will not, however, allow him to make me feel bad for wanting to be happy. More to point, for wanting to see if Jesse and I still have a chance to find that happiness together.
I know I’m moving fast. I know that the way I’m going about this makes it seem as though Jesse and I had something going on before Lane and I split. Maybe, in a way, we did. But I refuse to believe that what happened between us was wrong, because love…
Love is never wrong.
Further, Lane knows the truth. He was wrong to keep Jesse and I apart, just like I was wrong not telling both of them how I truly felt.
Even if Lane won’t, I will bear the weight of my wrongdoing with faith that I’m doing the right thing now. And if my penance is to help my little boy understand, then I will accept that punishment, too.
“Hey, bud!” Lane calls from his desk as we stroll past the floor-to-ceiling windows between the hall and his office. Hurrying to his feet, he meets us at the door and Jett launches himself at his legs without hesitation.
“Lane!” He giggles when Lane attacks him with tickles and scoops him up in a hug. “We brought chicken nuggets!”
“You did? I love chicken nuggets!” Lane glances to me with a tentative smile. “Hey.”
“Hi.” I lift the bag of food and tray of drinks. “Hope you’re hungry.”
“Always have room for lunch with my favorite guy.” He jostles Jett again, eliciting another wave of little giggles, and then tips his head toward the small table in the corner of his office. “Let’s sit.”
I follow and, while he gets Jett situated in a chair, I begin to unload the food.
“The rain’s holding off, I see,” he says casually, pulling up a seat across the table. “Are you back at your parents or…”
My gaze flicks to his, knowing dang well he’s fishing, despite the light tone. “No, we’re heading back to the cabin as soon as we’re done here.”
“Ah. In that case, let’s hope the rain holds off even longer.” He turns back to Jett with a wide grin. “How are you liking the cabin? Did you go swimming yet?”
Jett nods dramatically. “Yup! With Daddy. I can swim now!”
“No.” I shake my head and laugh lightly. “You cannot swim yet. Don’t make up stories.”
Lane chuckles and opens up the box of chicken nuggets I set in front of Jett. “But I bet you tried your best, right? Have you been seeing Daddy a lot or—”
“Can you not do that?”
He blinks up at me innocently. “I’m just making conversation.”
“No, you’re not.” I slide his food across the table, and for the next few minutes we eat in awkward silence. Frankly, I’m just relieved he didn’t come back at me like he could have. Like I know he’s capable of.