“I’m going to have to figure this one out,” I say, tearing my eyes off the tree. “I’ll be seeing her at Meredith’s, and I don’t want it to be weird. I have to fix this fuckup.”
I don’t want things to be awkward. I don’t want to lose the way things are—were—over a stupid kiss. Even if she’s not lying somehow and doesn’t want anything else from me, I don’t want to lose the fun energy between us. I like her laugh and her stories and the way she’s so easy to be around. There’s no point in ruining that over a sexy-as-fuck kiss.
It’s a kiss, after all. I’ll have many more over my lifetime with many other women. No sense in getting fucked up about this one. Besides, she doesn’t have anyone here, and Matt and Claire really like her. I would be a complete dick if she stayed away from our group because of a stupid kiss.
Damn it.
Yanking my line out of the water, I get it reeled in. It slides easily into the bed of my truck. I grab my phone out of the cup holder and fish through my contacts and ignore the texts from Alexis. I wasn’t all that into her to start with. Now? She doesn’t feel interesting at all. I scroll until I find Harper’s name.
My thumb hits the “Call” button before I can think too much about it.
“Well, look who it is,” she says. “What are you up to? And if you need bail money, call someone else. I’m broke.”
“You’re two people down the call list for bail. No need to worry for a while,” I joke.
“Good to know. So what’s up?”
Suddenly, I’m not sure what to say. My mouth goes dry as different words attempt to make their way past my lips.
“Penn?” Harper laughs. “You okay?”
“Oh, yeah,” I say, forcing a swallow. “I just, um, wanted to check on Avery. She doing okay?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“No reason. She, um, just came by the library today, and you know how Meredith can be.”
The laugh that topples out of my mouth is so fake that there’s no covering it. I cringe.
“Well, I tell you what,” Harper says. “I haven’t seen Avery this evening. She popped into the salon after she met with you all, and we had lunch from the café. Then she went home, and I had a date, which I’m still on, by the way. So that shows you where you rank in my life.”
“I’m sorry, Harp.”
“Nah, don’t be. He conveniently didn’t have condoms, which he wasn’t all that upset about. Surprise, surprise.”
“Ditch him. He sounds like a total asshole.”
“I probably will,” she says. “He went to get them now, but I’m getting less and less inclined to wait around here. Anyway, what do you want? For real?”
I kick at a rock, look at the sky, and listen to the crickets again. None of them give me the words I need to explain what I want.
“Well . . .” I take a breath. “I want to sort of do something nice for Avery. Like, not buy her flowers or some lame thing like that. It’s not like that, anyway,” I say hurriedly. “I just think since we’re going to be working together that maybe I need to, you know, make some kind of gesture so she knows it’s cool between us.”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” She gasps. “Did you sleep with her already?”
“No. No, no, no. I mean, I wish, but no. I just . . . help me.”
It’s funny how you can know someone is smiling on the other end of a phone. There’s no sound, really, and you sure as heck can’t see them. But sometimes, you just know. And I know Harper is grinning like a loon.
“Harp . . .”
“Penn, I am proud of you.”
“For what?”
“For being so sweet.”
My eyes bug out. “I’m not sweet.”
“Yes, you are. And I know it’s hard for you.”
“I’m not sweet,” I say again. “And I think you’re making too big a deal out of this. I just want her to feel comfortable, you know? She’s a nice person. And I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do right now.”
Harper’s voice softens. “You’re doing it.”
“Rambling like a moron?”
“Yes.” She laughs. “Think about what’s happening right now. You’re going out of your way to make a woman happy, and it has nothing to do with you. You aren’t asking me for tips to get someone to date you or, God forbid, advice on lube.”
“I only did that once,” I say quickly. “And it was halfway a joke.”
She doesn’t care. She just laughs. “I like this side of you, Penn.”
“Yeah, well, this side of me feels like a pussy.”
I walk in a circle as Harper tells me to get a grip. That being thoughtful, which is what she’s classified me as being right now, isn’t weak. Or lame. She lies and lies to me because I know the truth. The problem is, I don’t really care about the truth. It’s secondary right now. First up is making sure all is right between Avery and me.
“I’ll tell you what,” she says. “Let me call Avery and see where she is. If she’s not busy, maybe you could swing by and say hello.”
“I don’t have to take flowers, right?”
“No.”
“Okay. Good. What about chocolate or something?”
Harper laughs again. “Are you taking her on a date?”
“No,” I hiss, making a face.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know what I’m thinking. I just don’t want that kiss, the one I’ll think about all damn night and again every time I look at her, to screw things up between us.
And, truthfully, I want more than one kiss too.
Fuck.
No, I don’t.
Do I?
“It’s okay,” Harper says. “I think I get what you’re saying. Let me call her. I’ll send you a text and let you know where she’s at and if it’s a go.” She pauses, as if considering whether she should say more. “And Penn?”
“Yeah?”
“Relax.”
“Yeah.”
She sighs. “I’ll text you in a few.”
“Okay,” I say, my throat burning.
I end the call. Walking back to the water’s edge, I watch the colors in the sky. They drift together easily, melting into each other in a smooth dance.
I’ve watched this same view many evenings over my life. It never fails to occur to me that I’m not one of those colors. I can’t flow into someone else like that. Not like Dane does Neely or Haley has done with Trevor. I’m like the clouds above them, alone in my race across the sky.
Why is that? I’m glad my friends can. I see how happy it makes them. Maybe a part of me, buried down deep and one I’d never admit to, wishes I could too.
But I can’t. I’m just not built that way. No one expects me to be any different. Just like Harper, everyone loves me like I am. And that’s good enough.
Isn’t it?
My phone buzzes in my hand. I look down at a text from Harper.
She’s at my house. Go on over. She has no plans.
My heart begins to thump a rock-and-roll-style beat. I slip my phone back into my pocket.