I was never going to forget the sight of him in pain like that. It made me wish I could say comforting words, but I was better at reading lines. I could schmooze with the best, but I had nothing in the face of cruel things, and this was cruel.
It was awful.
“You don’t have any contact with them?” I asked.
He shook his head. “It was too tough on them to have me around.”
Leave it alone.
He’s a grown man.
He doesn’t need your opinion on his personal life.
“I should go, I think.”
“Probably.” He gave a weak laugh. “I think you’re right. I was too drunk for that last game.”
I crawled out of the kennel and packed up my gear. “You don’t have to walk me. I’ll find my way.”
“Wait a minute.” He came after me and grabbed something from a trunk by the rig. “Let me get Hades and Seph ready. They need a walk before they bed down for the night anyway.”
“Really?” I asked.
“Really. They don’t shit in their cages, you know.”
In awe, I watched as our fierce, fluffy hybrids stood patiently while being fitted with harnesses, leashes, and soft basket muzzles.
“I’ve never seen you muzzle them.”
“Obviously, I can’t make them wear muzzles for a scene, so I—”
“Keep up the pretense that people need to stay well away so you can control them at all times.”
“I say it’s for insurance purposes, but really I just don’t want to lose them because some asshole startles them.”
“Oh my god, you’re such a great guy.”
I almost said, dog dad, but nope, nope. Ixnay on the subject of fatherhood. It was obviously painful for him.
“All right. Ready to go.” He kept the hybrids’ leashes but gave me Morrigan’s. She walked between us. We took up the entire gravel road walking like that. After a few feet, our only light was from his flashlight.
“It’s so dark out here.”
“The dogs will let us know if anything or anyone is coming. We just need to keep on the gravel. It leads directly to your place.”
“I’m glad you decided to walk me. It’s eerie out here. Normally I hear the waves loud and clear, but they seem muffled tonight.” I’d been hearing a foghorn, though. What a mournful sound.
“It’s because of the fog. Tiny water particles distort sound waves.”
“Makes sense.”
I couldn’t stop myself from asking, “You really only ever kissed one woman in your whole life?”
“Just Serena.”
“Any guys?”
He chuckled. “That’s what the men in my unit asked all the time. No. No guys.”
“How come, do you think?”
“What, guys or girls?”
“Either. Obviously you kissed your wife and more. You had three kids.”
“I loved her.” He shrugged. “I mean, I didn’t look at other women and think, oh, I’d like to fuck them. I didn’t look at their racks or their butts and wonder what it’d be like to be with them. Because of that, the guys thought I had to be queer, but I never looked at a guy and had those feelings either. I think I’m probably just a cold guy or whatever.”
“Well, sexuality is a spectrum,” I said carefully. “I couldn’t begin to tell you all the varieties of sexual and romantic relationships there are, but the point is, they’re all perfectly normal. Wait. That’s not what I mean, because that’s like inviting the word abnormal to the party. And between consenting adults…Shoot. I’m so bad at this. But you know who could tell you?”
“I’ll bet you’re going to say Molly.”
“She’s wicked smart about that stuff and not the least embarrassed to talk about it. Ask me how I know. Wait. Better you don’t.” I didn’t want to talk about sex with Stone. I had an agenda and ulterior motives—I wanted him to be bi. I wanted him to look down at me and say, how come I never noticed how sexy you are? Probably wasn’t happening though. He as much as said he wasn’t attracted to anyone. “I guess my point is, if you loved someone, and had a relationship that included sex, and it made you happy, then that’s great. Don’t let other people tell you how to behave or think or feel about sex. It’s entirely individual.”
“Thank you.”
“And also,” I held up a finger that wavered drunkenly in front of his face. “Remember Hades and Persephone. Not everything is about sex. Find your soulmate and live happily ever after with or without it.”
“Thank you, oh wise one. I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.” We stopped walking when the porch light outside my RV came into view.
“I had a great time,” I said.
“Me too.” He gave a jerk of his chin before leaning forward and lifting his hand. For a moment—a split second—I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he gently brushed my hair behind my ear.
With a soft smile, he said, “Sweet dreams.”
Then he turned and led the dogs into the trees.
I breathed a sigh of disappointment and longing and maybe even a little resentment that this man—this absolutely perfect man—was the one guy in a thousand, gay and straight, who wouldn’t take what was so obviously on offer, even drunk off his ass.
As far as I could tell, I hadn’t lost my it-boy factor.
Or had I?
Chapter Eleven
Stone
I knew everyone's sexuality was on a spectrum somewhere, but I’d shied away from thinking about mine. I thought I’d have a conversation with my kids about sex someday—about their friends, or if they told me they were gay, or bi, or transitioning—and I would remind them that my entire plan for the sexuality of the next generation was to stuff my fingers in my ears and sing.
I knew who I was.
I thought I did anyway.
But I wondered now, was my lack of interest in chasing women—or men, I guessed—simply because I wasn’t wired for romance or sex?
I didn’t feel abnormal, even when all the guys in my unit practically drooled over every woman they saw, and I felt nothing.
I didn’t feel queer when they hinted that I must be gay.
I’d deployed with some of the best-looking, fittest men in the world, and I’d looked, really looked at their bodies, and I felt nothing for them either.
I had been in love with my wife, and I wanted her. I thought of Serena when I rubbed one out, for God’s sake. That didn’t make me weird. That made me loyal.
Didn’t it?
I found true love at twelve and never deviated from that path. How could anyone ever take her place? What did I feel now that Serena and I lived apart? Now that she’d gotten married to another man? Hurt, for sure. Isolated. Angry. Incompetent.
But that didn’t mean I could just go out and replace her.
I still had a sex drive. I found time to jerk off in the shower, or late at night, or whenever I felt like it, actually. Sex was pure pleasure. What I couldn’t be bothered with was people.
What did that mean? My heart sped up.
How could I be thirty-nine years old and not know what that meant?