“Did he do that?” Parker gave me a look of awe. “He made Optimus Prime? Well now, we know he’s a keeper then, yes?”
Tanner giggled again, patting my thigh. I stared at him for a moment, thrumming with an energy I couldn’t comprehend. It wasn’t like a workout high, and yet it was. Like I’d pushed myself to a limit I’d never reached before and come out on the other side. What that other side was still eluded me, but with Tanner patting my thigh, leaning against me as he swung his legs with carefree calm, I was okay with being there.
As if sensing my gaze, he looked up at me. “Tuck?” He offered me Optimus Prime. “Oppimus?”
With a laugh, I took the toy truck and turned it back to a robot.
“Oppimus!” Tanner crowed, plucking the Autobot from my hand to hold it up for Parker. “Oppimus, Pa.”
I drew in a steadying breath. How was it I’d just bawled myself raw barely a second ago and now wanted nothing more than to swoop Tanner up and laugh?
Smoothing my hand over his head, I turned back to the doctor. “G’day, Dr. Waters. I’m Tanner’s—”
“Father.” Parker chuckled. “Yeah, I know. I’ve heard a lot about you. Not just from Amanda” – he shot her a smile where she stood beside me – “but from Chase and Jacqueline.”
I didn’t want to ask what a lot comprised. I also couldn’t help but notice he hadn’t mentioned Charles.
“Oh,” Parker smacked his forehead in a melodramatic way, causing Tanner to giggle once more. “And Tanner’s grandpa.” He gave Tanner a wide grin. “How could I forget him?”
“Parker,” Amanda said, warm humor in her voice. “Don’t scare him away.”
Parker winked at Tanner and then smiled at me. “Something tells me that would be hard to do. Now,” he smacked his hands together, “are you ready to get the ball rolling, Brendon?”
Ball rolling? It took my befuddled brain a second to catch up with this vibrant man. Ball rolling. He was Tanner’s doctor. He needed . . . I had no idea what he needed. To check if I was a match? The medical science suggested I wouldn’t be, but there was still a chance I could be. I was Tanner’s father, we shared genes. And all we needed for me to be a match was a compatible gene, right? If he found that gene – no, when he found that gene – was he going to remove my bone marrow straight away?
For a wavering moment I remembered the harrowing grief on Amanda’s face earlier when she’d admitted she wasn’t a match for Tanner, and the callous anger I’d directed at her. Fuck, I needed to tell her I was sorry for that. I needed to let her know I understood now, how she felt. How wretched and helpless and—
“It’s not going to hurt.” Parker Waters wriggled his eyebrows. Tanner laughed. “We try not to do any hurting here, don’t we, Tanner?”
“No,” he answered, patting my leg faster and looking at me. There there. There there.
How much did he understand? Did he understand I was there to help? If I could.
“Where do you need me?” I asked Parker, smoothing my hand over Tanner’s head again. It was like I was trying to make up for eighteen months of no contact. “Will I be out for long? I’ll have to ring Mum and Dad before I go under anesthetic. I should probably let them know I’m in the States, full stop. To be honest, I’d been so impatient to get here I didn’t tell Mum or Dad – or any family member, for that matter – I was going.”
Parker chuckled. “I like his enthusiasm, Amanda.”
Tanner giggled, and whacked Optimus against my shoulder. “Manda! Mommy!”
Amanda smiled at our son’s reaction to her name. Even though it reached her eyes, it was still sad. “Me too.”
“A simple blood test is all we need to start with,” Parker went on, his tone growing serious. For the first time since he’d entered Tanner’s room, I saw the medical professional he was. The vivacious, animated doctor who’d made Tanner giggle was gone. “There’s some papers to be signed, some release forms, a jab with a needle, and then we’ll know the initial outcome in a couple of hours. Whether we proceed to the tissue-matching test for final confirmation of a match comes after that.”
I ground my teeth, frustration eating at me. I wanted to get the ball rolling, and by ball rolling, I meant I wanted Tanner cured now.
“Hey?”
I started at Amanda’s soft voice. Or maybe it was her gentle nudge of her hip against my thigh.
“Two hours is okay, Bren,” she said. “You need to come up for air anyway. The little catnap you took with Tanner isn’t enough to keep you going.” She made a hesitant move, maybe to brush her fingers through my hair, maybe to give my face a smack, I couldn’t tell which, but pulled her hand back before she did either. “You’ll crash soon, no matter how healthy you are, if you don’t have some down time.”
I wanted to remind her our son had leukemia, that down time was a luxury we couldn’t afford. Instead, I returned my attention to Tanner. “Be back in a bit, okay, buddy?”
He nodded, engaged in a heroic battle with Optimus and an invisible enemy currently flying around the air near his head. “’Sokay,” he said.
I wondered who the Transformer was fighting – Megatron? Or an even more malevolent foe determined to destroy life as Tanner knew it?
“Excellent.” Parker rubbed his hands together again, smile wide. “Let’s punch it, wookie.”
“Chewie!” Tanner burst out, grinning up at the doctor. “Chewiebacca!”
Parker dropped him a wink. “The best wingman a space pirate can have, eh, Tanner?”
I watched the exchange, in awe of the man’s exuberance. And I thought I was all about enjoying every minute of life? Considering what Parker Waters faced every day – sick kids – his energy and happiness was inspiring.
Rising to my feet, I gave Amanda a smile. It felt weird. Not forced, but . . . weird. I wish I could explain it better than that, but I can’t. We’d been through an emotional grinder and I had no real idea what the result was going to be. I’d been furious with her, I’d yelled at her. I’d lost myself to the pleasure of my love for her, I’d lost myself to the lust I felt for her. I’d been shocked by her, resentful of her, contemptuous even. I’d been saddened and dismayed. I’d found joy and laughter and happiness with her, even as I wanted to walk away from her and never see her again. I’d wanted to strangle her. I’d buried my face as close to her heart as I could and openly sobbed there.
All those things, all those emotions, left me adrift. Confused. My mind was in chaos, a mental state I didn’t like experiencing at all.
One thing I did know, I was still wounded by her. Deeply. I doubted I could ever trust her again. Which made the hope I saw in her eyes now, as she smiled back at me, harder to take. Her whole world was laid bare before us. Everything that propelled her, motivated her, petrified her, was exposed. And hanging over it all – the cold, cruel presence of cancer, ready to destroy that world.
If I wasn’t a suitable match for our son . . . I felt . . . can you say pressure? Can you say expectation? Can you say sickened, churning, hope?