Hey, Biceps. Just letting you know No Direction is alive and well. He tried to escape yesterday evening, but I caught him just as he was flipping across your living room, dragging a suitcase behind him. That’s one strong fish you have there. I promised him if he stayed put until you got home I’d take him to Luna Park as a reward. Hope all is well in the States. Remember, if Amanda breaks your heart again, I’ll break her nose. Kidding. But I’ll glare at her fiercely. Yeah, I’m that tough. Xoxoxo Heather.
As much as the message made me smile – and miss her, damn it – it twisted my stomach into knots. Why hadn’t I heard from Parker yet? Was there a problem with my blood sample? Should I head back to the hospital, maybe get them to do it again?
Maybe my phone wasn’t working? Sure I’d received texts and made a call since putting in the new SIM, but what if no one could call me? What would Parker do then?
“Jesus, Osmond,” I muttered, shaking my head and shoving my phone back into my pocket. “You need to get a grip.”
I started running again, still heading west. I hit the Pacific Ocean an hour later. Stopping at a metal railing, with a stretch of beach between me and the water, and a tourist trap complete with a rollercoaster and boardwalk shops behind me, I stared at the ocean. Sweat dripped from my face and stung my eyes. My chest heaved, each breath I pulled into my lungs tasting of sea salt and seaweed. Pressing my palms to my knees, I focused on returning my heart rate and breathing to normal. Focused on the sensation of air entering my body, and leaving it. Inhalation. Exhalation. Take it in. Let it go.
Let it go. Was it time to let Amanda go? Or time to take her in again? She’d torn me apart, but was I ready to let her remake me? Did I have that in me? Could I even be put back together? For Tanner’s sake, should I? Didn’t a kid deserve a stable family environment? Could Amanda and I be that for him? Or had she hurt me too much?
Huh. Too much. Here I was, a guy who prided himself on never backing down from the challenges life presented him, and I was contemplating emotional defeat? Was I really so weak as to condemn Tanner a life without both his parents in it? Was I that pathetic?
Or was I just that scared? Scared of how much I’d loved her once, and how easy it would be for me to love her with equal passion, equal measure, again. That kind of love left a guy vulnerable. Being vulnerable sucked.
But was it worth it, to see Tanner smile? To see Amanda smile? Shit, was it worth it to smile myself?
Before I’d learned Tanner had leukemia, I’d been prepared to ask Amanda to marry me. I’d imagined a life with the three of us in blissful joy, a family. We could still be that, couldn’t we? We could do that. We could start right now. And after the bone marrow transplant, when the stem cells from my marrow replaced the cancer cells in Tanner’s, we could show life just have strong we were.
I just had to let go what I couldn’t control and accept that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and that light would shine on our family, give it strength, give it warmth, and eventually, I’d have the strength to allow myself to surrender to my feelings for Amanda again.
We could do that. It wasn’t just optimism. I felt it. In my gut. In my soul. We could do that.
Straightening, I pulled in a deep, slow breath, preparing to turn around and run back the way I’d come. Back to the hospital. Back to Tanner and Amanda.
No, shit. Amanda said she was going home. To her apartment. What was her address again? I’d have to catch a taxi. Swiping at a bead of sweat assaulting my eye, I tugged my phone from my pocket and opened Amanda’s text message conversation.
And froze when the Incoming Call screen appeared.
I stared at the number. One of only three I knew in the States. Parker Waters’ number. The same number printed on his business card.
A prickling heat razed over my body. My skin turned to gooseflesh. My heart slammed into my throat. Mouth dry, I pressed my thumb to the Accept button and raised the phone to my ear.
“G’day, doc.”
“Brendon.” His Southern drawl sounded all the more pronounced over the phone. “Where are you now?”
The tension and unease I’d just jogged out of my system claimed me again at his blunt question, and at the lack of the playful humor in his voice that I’d come to expect. Frowning, I looked around myself. “Next to a beach,” I answered, suddenly feeling very heavy. Weighted. “And there’s a rollercoaster behind me. Why? Do you have the results? Do you need me back ASAP to begin the transplant? I jogged here, but I’d be able to get a taxi easy enough.”
I was talking fast, not coming up for air or letting Parker get a word in. I don’t know why, but I didn’t want him to say anything.
“Or,” I went on, my eyes flicking over the water beyond the sand, water so blue it hurt to look at. The kind of water Brendon Osmond back home would throw himself into with joyous glee. “I’m sure Amanda will come fetch me if I call her. We shouldn’t be long. Maybe an hour max. You could tell whoever’s going to be doing the surgery – is it surgery? To extract my bone marrow? – anyway, you could probably tell them to start getting ready because we’ll be there soon and everything will be—”
“Brendon,” Parker cut in.
I squeezed my eyes shut at the gentle placation in his voice. I knew why it was there. I knew. I knew and I didn’t want it to fucking be there. I didn’t want—
“You need to come back to the hospital,” Parker said, calm compassion in the words. “We need to talk. You and Amanda. We need to discuss—”
“I’m not a match,” I said, staring at the waves again. At the beautiful blue sky. At the incredibly beautiful day. “Am I?”
Silence filled the connection. To be honest, I think I’d had my fill of silent stretches for one day.
“Am I?” I repeated.
“No,” Parker answered with a sigh. “I’m sorry, Brendon. But you’re not.”
Ten
Go, Robby. Yay
“Does Amanda know?”
Parker hesitated again.
“Have you told her, doc?”
“No.”
The heavy weight crushing me to the ground grew heavier. I leaned against the metal rail, for a moment incapable of supporting myself. Around me, people continued to go on as if nothing was wrong in the world – laughing, smiling, enjoying life. In the distance, the rollercoaster screamed down its main drop, the passengers wailing with delight. I gripped my phone and stared at the structure, the rises and falls and abrupt turns . . .
“Is she at the hospital?” I asked Parker. The afternoon sun beat down on me, drying the sweat on my skin until I felt like I was wrapped in taut plastic.
“I was in Tanner’s room five minutes ago,” he answered, his tone apologetic, “and she wasn’t there. Her sister was. She and Tanner were playing Transformers. Chase does a very good Megatron.”
A weak chuckle escaped from me. Nothing like any sound I’d made before.
“Chase told me she sent Amanda back to her apartment,” Parker went on. “To get some rest, eat some food that wasn’t from the hospital cafeteria.”
“Okay.” I pushed myself from the rail, the ocean to my back, and began walking. “Thanks, doc.”