“She’s going to need you,” Violet said from the front seat. Her hand rested on the baby bump that got larger by the day. “She may push you away, may act as if she needs space and can’t focus, that you’re too much. But she’ll need you.”
I swallowed hard. “I’ll do what I can, but I don’t want to push her. I already almost pushed too much before, and it ended with our first fight. I don’t want to do it again.”
“You’ll find a way. Just do what she needs, make sure she’s hydrated and fed, even if she doesn’t want to eat.”
“How are they supposed to go back to that house?” Miles asked, his voice low.
“We’ll see what happens when they’re ready. Until then, we’ll let the girls sleep at ours,” Pacey said, and I was grateful that Nessa and the girls weren’t in the car with us. They were going with Corinne’s family, leaving mine to help us get to the next phase of saying goodbye. “We’ll make room for them,” Pacey added, and Tanner cleared his throat. “Yeah, we will. I don’t know what they’re going to do after...well, after. But we’ll find a way to make it work.”
“You guys are good people,” Violet said as she turned to us, her eyes full of tears. “I’m so sorry, but you’ll be there for each other. You have each other. Never forget that.”
I nodded, and we each got out of the car, making our way inside. People were somber. A light so young shouldn’t be extinguished like this, with no one to blame but God himself. At least that’s what someone had muttered under their breath when we walked in. Really, there was no one to blame. It hadn’t been a prolonged illness that we could come to terms with. It hadn’t been an accident where we could blame a stop sign or a drunk driver. It had been a moment in time, something that had taken her so quickly that nobody even had time to breathe.
I tried to find Elise, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know where she was or what I was supposed to do. But I would give her the space she needed. I wouldn’t forget that she might need the space, but she needed someone, as well.
Finding that balance nearly broke me, but I had no idea what to do. I barely knew Corinne, but I had liked her. She had been the one to dare Elise, to set us on this path, and now she was gone. I couldn’t change that. I couldn’t bring her back.
“What are we supposed to say?” Miles asked softly.
“Nothing,” Pacey said, his voice low. “There’s nothing you can say. But from the way it looks, people will soon want to tell stories and remember her. So you’ll tell a happy story about the girl who’s no longer here.”
He cleared his throat. “And you’ll make sure that people remember her happy and alive, not only the feelings they have now. You have to do everything you can to make sure others remember her.”
I looked at the other man, trying to understand what I had missed. Maybe I hadn’t missed anything. Perhaps they had just been friends, and this was how Pacey dealt with things. I wasn’t sure, but I wished there was something more I could do. All of my friends were in so much pain, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I let out a breath, and we moved around the room. My family was wonderful, and Aiden had brought food. It was what we did, we found a hole for what was needed, and we filled it.
Corinne’s parents were in the corner, speaking with Aiden as I walked up.
“Dillon,” Corinne’s mother said softly. “Thank you again for offering your brother’s services,” she said, her eyes shiny but her tears not falling yet. “We truly appreciate it. We had some of it covered but having Corinne’s friends take care of the details has been wonderful. I wish we had been able to get to know you before this,” she said, holding out her hand.
I swallowed hard and nodded. “Corinne was great. She was nice and made me laugh and introduced me to Elise. I’m just so sorry.”
This time, her mother let her tears fall, and her father squeezed her around the shoulders.
“She was always doing that, setting people up so they got with the people they needed to. We love Elise like our own daughter.” There was something there, but I knew I wasn’t going to get into it now. “We love her. So, you be there for her. This will be just as hard on her as it is for us. She’s so good about closing people off. So, make sure she doesn’t do that.”
Corinne’s parents knew Elise pretty damn well for them to say that. And the fact that they were worried about their daughter’s best friend when they were so mired in their own emotions meant the world to me. I nodded, said my condolences once more, and walked away to look for Elise. I saw people I knew from campus and others I didn’t that must have been from Corinne’s life before she moved here. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do, but in the end, I found Elise at the back of the house, sitting on the back porch all alone, holding a glass of water and staring out into the distance. I knew she needed space, that it was likely why she had come out here, but now that I was here, I didn’t know what to do with my hands. I sat next to her without saying anything and let out a breath.
She didn’t lean into me, didn’t move towards me, just sat there, blinking.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered after ten minutes of silence where nobody came out to talk to us.
Elise still didn’t say anything.
“Can I get you something to eat? Anything? What do you need, Elise? I’m here for you.”
Still no words.
“Do you need me to go? Do you need some space?”
I quit speaking, letting her mourn in a way that I didn’t fully understand. I was not a part of this for her, and I knew I didn’t have to be. These were her emotions, but I needed her to know that I would be here for her when she was ready.
She turned towards me, her eyes hollow. “I think I need some space.”
I nodded, my chest aching. “I’ll make sure someone knows you’re out here, but I’ll leave, let you breathe.”
She shook her head. “No, just...the semester’s over, and I just... I don’t know what to do. I already told you that this was a lot, and I didn’t think I could do it. And now with Corinne...” Her voice broke, and I knew she couldn’t finish the statement. “I need you to go. I need to be alone.”
I felt a pain in my heart, and it was as if a cavern had erupted within my soul, breaking me into a thousand pieces. But I didn’t say anything about my feelings. I swallowed hard and nodded. “You don’t need to do this alone. So many people care about you, Elise. We’ll be here for you.”
She looked at me and then blinked, not a single tear falling from her eyes. “Where was I when Corinne was in pain? When she was dying? I wasn’t there. My best friend in the world, and I wasn’t there. I need you to go. I need to think. And I can’t do that when you’re around. I can’t do anything.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” I said softly, trying to hold on. But I wasn’t sure there was anything I could hold onto.
“Maybe. But I wasn’t there. My best friend died alone with broken shards of porcelain around her, and coffee splashed into her hair and across her face. She died, and I wasn’t there. So, yes, I need you to go. I need to just be. Because I can’t be with you around. I’m sorry.”