Aspen made a humming sound and tilted her head to the side as she considered me silently for a long moment. “Why won’t it go anywhere? What’s keeping you from moving forward? Is it Aaron?”
I opened my mouth to tell her of course it was Aaron, but the words got stuck in my throat. For the longest time it had been easiest to tell myself—and anyone who dared ask—that I hated Hill because of the way things had gone down with Aaron. I’d convinced myself Hill should’ve been able to save his brother somehow, that he should’ve been there to save me from heartbreak. I’d convinced myself he was supposed to show up when I needed him the most, even though I was the one constantly pushing him away.
In a quiet, shaking voice I was finally honest with someone about the real reason I’d kept Hill at arm’s length for so long. “He left. I thought he was always going to be there no matter what, but he left me. He pushed me away.” Aaron had fed into all my worst habits and enabled my destructive side. I needed Hill’s unwavering strength in order to keep myself together. When he took it away, I really started to spin out of control, taking Aaron on the emotional ride along with me. I felt like there was no one left to lean on.
Aspen nodded, expression grave, as if she’d been expecting my admission from the get-go.
“Kody, I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to think about the answer. Really think about it.”
I dropped my feet from her desk and sat up straight in the chair. “Okay.”
“Why do you think Hill left the way he did? And kept away all these years? What could have possibly caused him to keep his distance, from both his brother and you? What was big enough, powerful enough to cause that divide?”
I stared at her, my mouth slowly falling open as I gaped at her in shock. It’d taken a lot of years for the pieces to fall into place. I’d always assumed he’d run away from me. It had never occurred to me that he might have run away for me.
“Love? You think he’s in love with me…has been in love with me?” The mere thought of it lifted goose bumps on my arms and raised the tiny hairs on the back of my neck. He hadn’t used that word last night, but his hands had touched me with love, and his eyes had practically glowed with it.
Aspen’s dark eyebrow darted up. The expression on her face was clearly calling me out for being obtuse. “It’s not about what I think. It’s about what you think.”
Was it possible? While I was busy deciding it would be better to fall in love with Aaron, had Hill fallen in love with me? Could a guy like him, controlled, concise…and, more importantly, honest and law-abiding, even have feelings for someone as messy and reckless as I was? Hill’s entire life had been about serving and protecting other people, mine had been about exploiting them and keeping them at arm’s length.
“No. You’re wrong. There’s no way someone like Hill could love someone like me.” I pounded the side of my fist on the side of her desk to emphasize my point. “The reason Aaron and I clicked is because we were both creatures of chaos. He never had any kind of expectations of me. I was always good enough for him the way I was.” And I’d loved him regardless of his erratic ups and downs. Hill and I were on different levels, practically from different planets. We’d never had any kind of common ground, other than our shared concern for his brother.
But that wasn’t really true when I broke it down and looked at things closely. Aaron was the reason we stayed in touch at first, but our conversations quickly evolved into something more personal and intimate. We could talk for hours about anything, and every time I hung up the phone, I was already looking forward to the next call. It’d taken me months and months to stop reaching for the phone when Hill cut me off.
And now that I’d kissed him and he’d taken me apart with his talented touch, I knew I’d never felt as connected to anyone as I did to Hill when all the barriers were dropped between the two of us.
Aspen sighed and threw herself back in her chair. “I imagine Hill saw that. He saw the way you clicked with his younger brother, watched you both fall in love, and did what any good big brother would do in that situation. He backed off, regardless of what he wanted. He put his own needs aside so his brother could be happy, and gave the girl he was in love with exactly what she wanted. Even someone as strong as Hill is no match for a broken heart.”
“No.” I denied it again, but the truth was getting harder and harder to ignore. She was right. It would’ve taken something major to get Hill to step away from both me and Aaron the way he had. Not a crush. Not lingering feelings of fondness and friendship. He wouldn’t have done it if there were any other option. I’d hurt him.
Aspen smiled at me, but this smile was full of sympathy and understanding. “I hate to tell you this, but the way Hill feels about you is disgustingly obvious. He’s never wanted you to be anyone you aren’t. We all know he would prefer you make smarter, safer decisions, but everyone who loves you feels that way. Including me. Anyone with eyes can see he has his heart set on you, and Case has been bemoaning the fact that you’re blind to it since I met him. You’re the only one who thinks the two of you aren’t a good match. You’re the only one who believes he can’t love you.”
Moaning at my own stupidity and stubbornness, I bent forward and let my forehead hit the edge of her desk. “I’m an idiot.”
Hill was my first crush, the first boy who caught my eye, but I’d let my own insecurities and issues overrule any of the soft, sweet feelings I’d had toward him. I’d convinced myself I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, strong enough…and if that didn’t just make me want to puke. If watching my mother constantly getting beat down and demeaned by my father while growing up had taught me anything, it was to know my own worth. But the first chance I’d had to stand by that, I’d failed.
I heard Aspen get up and felt her move next to me. A moment later her hand landed on the center of my back and she patted me soothingly. “Love makes us all do dumb things. I loved your brother for most of my life even though I knew he hated me. It was far from the brightest thing I’ve ever done.”
I banged my head on the desk again. “I have no idea what to do with this information.”
She laughed and lifted her hand to stroke my hair. “I’d say make good choices from here on out, but it’s you, so…”
I cranked my head to the side so I could glare at her, which only made her laugh harder. “Talk to Hill, Kody. I’m not saying you’re in any way obligated to be with him, return his feelings, or that you have to try and make a relationship with him work. But you do owe him some honesty. He should know how you really feel, even if you feel like the two of you really have no future together.”
Before walking into this office, that was exactly how I’d felt. Now, I wasn’t so sure.
“As much as I love you and want to be here for you, my next client is going to be here in about fifteen minutes, and I would like to shove the rest of my lunch in my face.” Her gentle touch turned into a tug that brought my head up.
I climbed to my feet and wrapped her in a hug, squeezing her until she squealed from the pressure. “I’m so glad my brother got his head out of his ass and brought you into our family.” I was also really happy she had never given up on Case when that was exactly what I would’ve done.