I sighed, angry and annoyed. I wanted to scream, Grow up! Move on! You think your dream died? Well, mine did, too, brother.
I felt a familiar sickness creeping inside of me. Sometimes I thought losing Greer was some sort of karmic retribution for taking Mason’s great love away from him. Only, I hadn’t meant to. I couldn’t have seen how it would play out when I set it all in motion. Yeah, I had been jealous. But I had also been proud. I wanted the best for my brother.
“It was my baby with Greer, and Amelia was going to carry it, but it didn’t work out. The embryos didn’t take.”
He put his spoon down and stopped chewing. “Bro, I love you, and that is why I’m saying this to you. You’ve got to get over it.”
I laughed ironically. He’d fired me up good now. “I’ve got to get over it? Me? I lost the love of my life, Mason. You’re sitting here in your parents’ kitchen at thirty-six years old eating cereal in your boxers. Maybe you’re the one who needs to get the hell over it. News flash: you wouldn’t still be playing baseball, no matter what.”
He didn’t seem fazed, which annoyed the hell out of me. “Dude, Greer was hot and all that, but you act like she was perfect. She wasn’t perfect. She didn’t appreciate you enough. She took over your life, and you let her.”
I didn’t even think. My bag was off my shoulder, and I was lunging at my brother, throwing him off the stool, onto the floor. I landed on top of him before I could even consider controlling myself. My arm was reared back to punch him in the face, and the terror that flashed in his eyes thrilled me.
But I was the one who should have been terrified. Mason might have been lazy about work and life, but he hadn’t taken a day off from training, as though he was going to be in the major leagues next week, since he was fourteen. Which is to say, he could have killed me swiftly, easily, and probably not even left any blood.
Instead of punching him, I said, “I do not ever want to hear her name come out of your mouth again. Do you understand me?” In retrospect, maybe I was taking everything that had just happened out on my brother. It wasn’t fair. But sometimes brothers do that.
As I looked into Mason’s face, I had a moment of pure clarity. Greer was gone. She wasn’t here to fight for herself, so I had to fight for her. But that didn’t mean that, while she was here, she was perfect—or even that our relationship was perfect. We had problems like everyone else, only it seemed unfair of me to remember those now. But maybe it wasn’t unfair. Maybe Mason was right. Maybe it was better. I loved how strong-willed she was, but, sometimes, I wished she had been softer with me. I loved how decisive she was, but, often, I wanted her to factor me into her decisions a little more. I loved how put together she was, but, every now and then, I needed to be reminded that she could fall apart.
Mason put his hands up. “Dude, I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry.”
He was right. My brother was right. I couldn’t say it yet, but, truth be told, I was sorry, too.
Greer
AUGUST 17, 2011
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A writer, sure, but I had never imagined writing a book. Especially a book about myself. Now I’m upset that I have taken this on. My mother is sick as a dog but trying very hard to hide it, and I’ve signed this damn contract. I mean, sure, I could get out of it or an extension or something, but Dad spent the better part of a lifetime teaching me that we honor our commitments. My name on that dotted line is as good as my blood. I can’t stand the thought of having a book out in the world without my mother getting to at least read the first draft—especially since she has always been my role model and my inspiration for everything.
Between Mom and the company and the newspaper column and the podcast and Instagram and this book, the world feels like it’s spinning too fast. I want to get off the ride, but I also don’t want to disappoint anyone. Not my dad, not my mom, not the 2,167,493 women (as of an hour ago) who follow me. And, most of all, not myself.
This is the one thing that I feel like Parker and I can’t talk about. He just doesn’t understand. He wants to tell me how to fix it, who I could hire, how I could optimize this or automate that. I know he comes from a good place, but this is seriously the biggest fight we have. I’m not a problem to be solved. Sometimes I just want to vent and feel understood.
Of course, I can’t say any of that in the book. I can’t tell people how my relationship isn’t as perfect as it seems on Instagram or how sometimes I feel like I’m falling down an elevator chute. No one wants to read about my weaknesses. And, quite frankly, I wish I didn’t have any to write about in the first place.
Parker
A PERFECT PAIR
I WAS SITTING AT MY desk in my bright office, chewing absentmindedly on a pen cap when Brian, my assistant, walked in and handed me a stack of magazines. The July issues. Had it really been almost four months of back to normal? Well, the “normal” in which Greer was gone, the embryos hadn’t taken, and Amelia had left? He looked a little rumpled, like he had just rolled out of bed. But he could return emails with more efficiency than I had ever seen, so I let it go. “So, what’s the deal with McCann acquiring Sea & Sky?” he asked.
I jerked my head up. “I’m sorry. What?”
“Did you not know?” Brian paused. “Well, then maybe it’s just a rumor.”
I shook my head, my mind racing. After Amelia had gotten a job there, I had looked into the magazine and been extremely impressed by how well it was doing. Circulation and ad sales were both up during a critically difficult market, which was really saying something. The word on the street was that they were looking to sell, and I had mentioned it offhandedly to my father-in-law, but I didn’t know he was actually considering it. And now that he was, I was beginning to have second thoughts. I would obviously have to make sure that Amelia wasn’t fired again in another McCann Media takeover. In fact, I would make sure she got a promotion. Yeah. That would make her happy.
I picked up a copy of Parenthood. I still thought every day about the way Amelia had said goodbye. It wasn’t a See you soon!
I thought that being unable to get that goodbye out of my head was a sign I should try to say hello again. But I didn’t have the nerve to reach out. And, even if I had, I wouldn’t have said all the things that were on my mind. I knew we’d both be home for the Summer Splash and Fish. At least, I assumed that she would be. I hated how excited I was to see her. I hated how the idea of looking over and seeing her sitting on the end of her dock, hair blowing in the breeze, made me want to kiss her like I had wanted to do for so long.
But then there was Greer. Was moving on dismissing her memory? So I said, “Hm. Keep me posted on that. I have a lot of ideas I’m going to want implemented.”
Brian saluted me. “Will do, boss. Will do.”
I glanced down at Parenthood again and noticed that the couple on the cover was telling a story of how they’d adopted out their frozen embryos. I thought of Amelia. I wondered if she’d ever finished that story.
I got a nostalgic feeling when I thought about the weeks we’d had together and remembered sitting beside her on the boat, puttering through the creeks and canals around the beach.