“ ‘Don’t bring her into this,’ ” I repeated. “Her. Her. It’s always going to be her.”
“You’re being ridiculous,” he said, turning on his heels.
As I watched him walk away, I knew that he was right. Even still, I didn’t run after him. She would always be there. But, if I was honest with myself, she would always be with us for a reason that not even Parker knew.
Elizabeth
THE PIECES
THAT HAD GONE AWRY VERY quickly. But life is like that sometimes: one moment, you’re celebrating, the next, you’re debating how—or whether—to pick up the pieces.
“Well, that went well,” Tilley said.
“Thanks to you,” Olivia practically hissed.
I put my hand up, defending my sister. “We all did our part. We came on entirely too strong.”
I couldn’t help but think, though, that our questions hadn’t been out of the ordinary for a couple who had been through what Parker and Amelia already had. So maybe we had done them a favor. We had revealed cracks that had been in the foundation that would eventually make the house come down. Maybe we’d just made it come down sooner.
But what was nagging at me was that this was a problem that could be fixed, that we needed to fix. That I could fix.
“Well, I’m out,” Olivia said. “I did my part. I gave him the letter. He told her he loved her. They spent six weeks together. I have no other tricks up my sleeve.”
I studied Tilley’s face. She seemed perfectly lucid. Whatever “ball” she had been attending must have been over in her mind.
“I think we have to,” she said.
“I’m not worried about me, Tilley. I’m honestly not. I’m worried about you.”
She bit her lip. “I can handle it if she knows. I think she can handle it, too.”
“But you understand that once it’s out there, we can’t control it. We can’t control what she decides to do with the information.”
“I know,” she said quietly. “I understand what we’re doing.” She paused thoughtfully. “I think it might help her, Liz. And if it can, then I think we have to try.”
“Do you want to tell her?” I asked.
She shrugged. “I think it should come from her mother.”
I’d been afraid of that.
Olivia looked delighted, which kind of annoyed me. “You could act less thrilled that my life is about to come tumbling down,” I told her.
“Oh, Elizabeth, you are so dramatic. It’s going to be fine.”
But I knew, once I told the truth, nothing would ever be fine again.
Amelia
A BRIDGE
I HAD SEEN MR. THAYSDEN’S boat pull out of the dock. I had dealt with the fact that I had said things I couldn’t take back, that I had been angry, but, if I was honest, I wasn’t surprised. I had tried to take his assertion that he didn’t want children at face value, but, deep down, I knew better than that.
I was very clear on one thing in that moment: I didn’t want to lose him. That, at least, was something. But was keeping him fair, when he so obviously wanted things that I couldn’t give him? Weren’t you supposed to sacrifice for love? Or was a child way too big a thing to ask a person to give up? I sighed deeply to no one in particular as I made my way down the dock. I sat down at the end, my feet trailing in the water, the stars so bright it almost seemed like day.
I guess a part of me wanted Parker to come up behind me, to kiss me, to tell me it was okay. But was it true? Could it ever be okay now? I had known true love with him. And now he was gone. Maybe it was stupid to rely on a journal entry from when I was fourteen, but if a man didn’t love me the way I was, if he couldn’t accept that I couldn’t have children, then how could he really love me?
But, then again, when I was fourteen, there hadn’t been an obvious way for me to have children. Now there was. Maybe I should quit being so stubborn. Should I give him what he wanted? Maybe that was the answer. But having a child wasn’t like switching sides of the bed. It wasn’t like drinking Dunkin’ when you really wanted Starbucks. It was forever, the single most life-altering thing a person could do. But, then again, we could try. And it might not work… No. I snapped myself out of it. If I decided to go through with it, I had to be all in. That was the only way.
I turned to see my mom walking down the dock in her starched blouse and fitted leopard pants. She was so cute. And agile, I thought, as she jumped from the regular dock to the floating dock, sat down, crossed her legs, and said, “So, not exactly the celebratory dinner you imagined?”
I smiled sadly, watching my feet skim along the surface of the water. I looked up at her, and she seemed genuinely calm. “Am I being stupid?”
“You could never be stupid.”
“She’s dead, Mom. It doesn’t matter if he still loves her. I don’t know why I’m so hung up on it.”
“Oh, honey, of course it matters. I understand completely. No one wants to feel like they’re second best, and, as much as I want you and Parker together, he will always have been married to her first.” She put her hand on mine. “I think if you’re going to figure out where to go from here you might have to find a way to complete the circle.”
I looked at her skeptically.
“You know,” she continued. “Build a bridge. Find a way to connect a past you can’t change with the future you want.”
It sounded so easy, the way she said it. Build a bridge. Connect the past and the future. The answer was obvious. The clearest way to build a bridge between Parker and Greer and me was to have their baby. In fact, maybe it was the only way. Creating a new life out of the past while making way for the future, connecting the three of us tangibly, couldn’t possibly be more perfect. So what was holding me back?
I couldn’t look at her when I said, “Mom, if I tell you something, do you promise you won’t judge me?”
She shrugged. “You’re my daughter. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.”
Sometimes I wanted to kill her, and then, sometimes, in moments like these, I didn’t know how I would ever, ever live without her.
I looked directly at the moon as I whispered, “I’m afraid I won’t love it.”
She cocked her head to the side, studying me as she said, “Love what?” and then, a moment later, “Ohhhhh.”
Now we were both looking at the moon, and I was pretty sure she was judging me.
“Amelia, I don’t know how to say this exactly. But there’s something I’ve been thinking about telling you for a while now, something pretty risky for me.”
I felt my heart begin to race. What else could possibly happen tonight? I turned to her.
“I don’t know how to say this, exactly…”
From the look on her face, I was pretty sure that I didn’t want her to figure out how.
“It’s Robby.”
“Oh my God! Is he sick?”
She looked at me for a long moment. “He’s your cousin.” She paused and backtracked. “Well, I mean, he’s your brother, of course. He will always be your brother. But he’s not technically, biologically, my child—or Daddy’s.”