"What did you have in mind?"
After flaying me with a stare, she crossed to the autumn annuals arranged on waist-high tables. She didn't need another dozen chrysanthemums to clutter the front steps but I wasn't going to be the one to take up that fight.
"Your father and I are celebrating our fortieth anniversary this year," she called over her shoulder while I trailed behind her. "We haven't finalized all the details yet but we're throwing ourselves a big party. We didn't want to wait for our fiftieth. That seems like a terrible way to tempt fate."
"Don't say shit like that." I shook my head as she gave a quick shrug and tucked a few strands of hair over her ear, as if she hadn't thrown a mortality grenade into this discussion. "Just…don't say shit like that, Mom."
"We won't be around forever. There's no reason to pretend otherwise."
"I know that. I get it. Okay? But we've covered a fuckton of messy topics today. I'm going to need you to hold the circle of life convo for another time."
My mother offered a series of grumbles, sighs, and harrumphs before returning to fully formed words, eventually saying, "We're planning a party for November or December. Probably November because we don't want to compete with holiday gatherings and your sister's due date."
"That sounds delightful." I was aiming for sincerity with that comment but also hoping like hell I didn't have to help plan the menu or hire a band.
"You won't have to do anything other than show up," she said, and that wasn't the first time my mother had more or less read my mind. "But I expect you to bring someone special. Someone you care about." She tossed open her hands. "Or two people. Whatever your arrangement is, as many people as you want to love, Linden. Whomever your heart chooses."
Of all the fucking things, the memory of Jasper crying on her porch chose this moment to flood my mind.
What the actual fuck was that?
Just…fuckkkk. No. Not that.
Jasper aside, I didn't want to experience any form of heart-choosing. I wasn't like my brother or sister. My heart didn't choose anyone because it didn't want anyone. My heart loved solitude with some fun thrown in when the mood was right. My heart craved the predictable cadence of the earth moving through seasons. My heart wanted to beat free of entanglements.
My family was enough for me. I had my siblings and the families they were creating. That was enough. It was plenty.
"Mom, I hear where you're coming from," I said with as much patience as I could manage. "And I appreciate it, I do. But look. It's almost October. I'm not going to meet anyone and develop this epic relationship before your anniversary party."
"Yes, you are."
That was it. Just "Yes, you are" and a firm bob of her head and a pert grin that made me stand up taller and straighten my shoulders.
"And don't think you can bring a hookup friend or someone you met that week and play it off like you're mad for each other," she added. "I will figure it out. I know these things. I am your mother and you've never successfully lied to me once. I've let you think you've successfully lied to me but I always know. You will not pull that kind of stunt at my party."
Oh, for fuck's sake.
My parents weren't the kind of people who imposed their expectations on us as kids or adults. We were always free to pursue our own interests and goals without much backseat driving. The rough side of that coin was the rare event in which they did levy an expectation. It was so uncommon that rising to the occasion was never in question.
But I couldn't do this for her. I couldn't. More than that, I didn't want to do it.
And Jasper Cleary had to get the fuck out of my head right now.
"Mom, really, that's extremely ambitious and—"
"And if you don't," she cut in, "I will make it my job to find someone for you. As you know, I had no problem doing that for your sister and I'll be happy to do it for you."
That wasn't an option. Nope. Hard pass. It'd been amusing to watch my mother take charge of my sister's romantic affairs but there was no way in hell I wanted firsthand experience with that kind of inquisition.
"Mom, get real. That won't be necessary."
Another crisp nod. "Because you'll make an effort at meeting someone."
"No, that's not what I mean," I said. "It won't be necessary because I'm not Magnolia and I don't need you setting me up on dating services or launching surprise blind date attacks."
"You're right. You're not Magnolia." My mother grabbed two purple mums from the table, her arms now overloaded with plants. She wandered away but returned quickly with her goods in a wagon. "Magnolia had her own emotional shit but she wasn't busy pretending she was better off alone. You, my darling son, are full of very different shit."
"You're asking a lot," I said. "You're asking me to meet someone tomorrow, pretty much, have a ton of intense feelings, and bring this person to your party. That's a crazy timeline."
At this point, I couldn't get Jasper out of my head. All I could think of was the press of her lips and her hungry little hands yanking up my shirt. It wouldn't stop. I ignored it just the same.
"It seems like a lot to you because you've determined people are too risky, too much work."
That wasn't true. Not at all.
She reached for another purple mum before glancing up at me. "Prove yourself wrong for me and give me that as a gift."
"You're asking me to disappoint you," I said.
She wheeled her wagon to the cash register. I followed. "You know I'm not asking you to give anything up, right? I'm asking you to expect more. I'm asking you to care about someone and let that person care about you too. I'm asking you to try it out and see what happens. I'm asking you to invite someone into your bed when they mean something to you and not only when it's entertaining. And don't misunderstand me when I say someone. If you're happy with more than one person, then I'm happy. If you tell me you're settling down with the Seven Dwarfs, well, honey, I'll just have to find room for them at the supper table on Sundays. But I want you to try caring and being cared for. You haven't let yourself do it in too long."
"You said it yourself. I'm fine when I follow my own path."
She tipped her head to the side as a frown pulled at her lips. "That's just it. You're not following your path. You haven't in ages. Do you really think I can't see the way you hold everyone at a distance, even Ash and Magnolia? Do you believe I haven't noticed you drowning yourself in all the available fish in the sea these last few years? Or that it's been much more than a few years since—"
"Hell fucking no," I interrupted. "No. We're not talking about that. I will stand here and listen while you say these things and make these ridiculous demands but I'm not hashing that out with you."
After a pause, she said, "You should hash it out with someone."
I didn't say anything. I didn't really know what to say. Arguing was pointless. Defending my quiet, calm existence wouldn't get me anywhere. Being a moody bastard wouldn't help either. Carving through layers of scar tissue and fossilized memories would solve nothing.