I take a long drink, and the cold fluid feels good in my stomach.
“I’m sure he was,” I say sarcastically.
She sighs. “I’m not going to ask you what happened because I already know.”
“Good.”
“But I am going to demand you fix this.”
I pick up my fork. “I realize I shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds me, but this is none of your business, Mom.”
The water shuts off in a flash. She gives me a look—the look. The one that says I’ve overstepped.
I stt the fork back down. “I’m sorry.”
The look eases. “You’re entitled to be upset today. I’m entitled to be upset with you too.”
“And why are you upset with me, considering this has nothing to do with you?”
She laughs a one-syllable, choppy laugh that means she’s not laughing at all.
“What? It doesn’t,” I say. “My girlfriend broke up with me. I’m not ten. You don’t have to listen to me cry in my pillow.”
She wipes the counters down with a rag. “I’m not going to listen to you cry in your pillow because you’re going to stop this.”
Irritation sweeps through me, causing my head to pulse again. I’d ask her who she thinks she is, but I know the answer. She’s Siggy freaking Mason, and she’ll kick my ass.
I’m not that hungover.
She tosses the rag in the sink, and then the façade comes off. The hands go on the hips.
I brace myself.
“What kind of man do you think I raised?” she says, starting off nice and hard.
“Depends on which one you’re talking about.”
She narrows her eyes. “Don’t be dense, Boone. I’m talking about you.”
“In that case, extremely handsome. Funny. Charming. Lots of people say charming.”
“Oh, you’re funny all right.”
“Why are you being mean to me?” I ask. “When Coy was all fucked up over Bells, you were kissing his ass.” My eyes go wide. “I’m still drunk! Don’t beat me!”
She shakes her head.
Her disappointment in me really seals the deal. I’ve peaked. It’s all downhill from here.
My brothers are probably pissed I’m not at the office. Jaxi is pissed. Period. Rosie is probably sad that I’m not there, and I can’t even fucking think about that. And now my mom is mad because she realizes that what my brothers always say about me—that I don’t take anything seriously enough—is true.
“Mom, I’m sorry. I know you liked her,” I say. “I tried to make it work. I just can’t … How do you make someone believe you love them?”
“The first thing is telling them. I’m assuming you did that.”
Sort of.
“The second thing would be fighting for them. I’m assuming you’re doing that.”
This is not going well.
“And the third thing,” she says, clasping her hands together and leaning on the countertop across from me, “is putting together a grand gesture.”
I don’t even know what that means.
I’m so fucked.
The fire in her eyes dies down as she motions to my breakfast. Dutifully, I pick up my fork and take a bite. It’s heaven.
“Eat. Drink. We can’t do much today if you don’t get the alcohol out of your system,” she says.
“Did Anjelica send you over here?” I side-eye my mother. “I can’t take her today. I can’t. I won’t do it. She’s mean and bossy, and it’s a recipe for disaster—especially this morning.” I cram more biscuits in my mouth. “I might not even work again. I might be a vagrant.”
She tries not to laugh.
“I’m not kidding,” I say. “What am I supposed to do? Pretend my house wasn’t a home at one point? I’ll probably not even go back there. You can just have it and give it to someone. But not Anjelica.” I jab my fork in the gravy. “And that’s just because I’m spiteful.”
She can’t take it anymore. She laughs.
“Are you done?” she asks.
“With what?”
“Being a smart-ass.”
I shake my head. “Probably not.”
She lifts off the counter and watches me. “Then keep your mouth shut and listen to me.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She seems pleased with my cooperation.
“You’ve been in love with that girl since she broke into your house,” she says. She points a finger at me when I begin to interrupt. “I know you have because I’m your mother. I made you. I know every nuance and every cue there is to know about my children. So don’t argue with me.”
I nod. I’m afraid to even agree with her when she gets like this.
“You were not raised to just give up on things. We might’ve coddled you a little more than the others—”
“What? That’s so not true.”
She points at me again. “That is true. And despite that, you’ve always been so strong and so capable.”
That’s fair.
Keep going.
“I’ve seen you fight for things that don’t matter a fraction as much as this,” she says. “Like the tree in front of the high school. Do you remember that?”
“That totally mattered. That was the only shade in the courtyard. And the tree wasn’t dead.”
She grins. “And the time you fought Holt over trying to send his secretary to Wade’s office?”
“I didn’t want her feelings hurt.”
“I could go on and on, Boone.” She crosses her arms over her chest. “So why aren’t you fighting for this?”
I could name a few reasons, but none of them are totally true. They’re mostly cop-outs.
I knew it last night in a moment of clarity.
My retreat from the situation wasn’t because my feelings were hurt or that she didn’t trust me. It wasn’t even that she was taking Rosie and moving out.
It was that for the first time in my life, I wanted something that mattered. I needed it. I needed them.
It wasn’t losing a contract or missing a concert or having a girl I was seeing move away. None of that matters. It was replaceable. I could find a substitution.
There is no substitution for Jaxi and Rosie.
They’re it.
They are my people, the souls who make mine feel complete. With them, things make sense. They fall into line. The world is balanced.
So, what if I couldn’t have them? What if Jaxi said no? What if it didn’t work out and there was nothing I could do?
I kept thinking about Libby and Ted. How they seemed happy, and then it was all over. If I gave that much of myself to Jaxi and she walked away, I’d die. I couldn’t go on.
“Boone?” Mom asks softly.
“I’m scared too. What if she doesn’t want me?”
That line is usually followed up by a laugh or a punchline, but not this time. This time, I mean it.
It’s a sobering thought.
“What if I try my best and it doesn’t work? What if … what if she needs more than I can give her?”
Mom smiles softly. “She needs someone to love her and that little girl unconditionally. Are you implying that you can’t do that?”