“So you thought sleeping with Crystal would help that?” I asked, admittedly a little cattily.
Marcus sighed.
“No, obviously not. But when I met Crystal, she was so full of life and seemed to hang on my every word. She was really into me and wasn’t afraid to show it…”
“Even though you were married.” At his pointed look, I mumbled, “Sorry, please go on.”
“She made me feel like I was young again. Like I was desirable as a man, not just like the father to her children whose job it was to mow the lawn and take out the trash. I never meant to cheat, and I didn’t want to hurt you, but once I saw how things could be with Crystal, I just couldn’t go on living the life I was.”
I could understand that. My life had changed since the divorce and I’d found myself enjoying doing things because I wanted to and not having to think about what Marcus would want before making decisions. And, since I’d met Luca, I’d felt sexier, more open to possibilities and excited about what was to come.
Still… “If you were so unhappy, how come you never talked to me about it? I mean, before you went looking for someone else to do new things with and have adventures, why didn’t you try and fix things with your wife? You don’t think we could have found our way back to each other?”
Marcus gave a half shrug and said, “I don’t know. Maybe. But by that point we hardly ever talked about anything but the kids and what was going on in their lives. Look, you couldn’t have been happy those last few years either, right? Even if you didn’t know it then, I’m sure you know it now. Didn’t you ever wonder what it would be like if we were no longer together? What it would be like to start over with someone new?”
“No, I didn’t. I was married to you. Committed to the life we spent twenty-five years building. I thought we were going to grow old together,” I said honestly. I’d taken our vows seriously and the thought of cheating never crossed my mind. I just wasn’t that kind of person. “I guess there were the occasional times when I wondered what life would be like if you died, but the thought of either of us leaving each other of our own free will never crossed my mind.”
“Wow,” Marcus said dryly. “So, you’d have rather seen me dead than with someone else?”
“At the time, yeah, I guess,” I admitted, then let out a laugh. “But now I’m happy you’re alive.”
“Gee, thanks,” he said with a chuckle.
We both took a sip of our drinks and he asked, “So, what brought this on?”
“I’ve been seeing someone, actually. He’s a great guy, and even though I tried to keep him at arm’s length, he managed to get me to feel things for him without me realizing it.”
Marcus didn’t look surprised, so I figured one of the kids must have mentioned Luca. “That’s good. I’m happy for you.”
“Yeah, it’s just, now that things are progressing, I’m scared. How can I trust him not to hurt me? I don’t know if I could go through that again, Marcus, I really don’t.”
He reached out and laid his hand over mine and I realized it was the first time we’d touched since he told me he was leaving.
It’s funny, to go from touching someone every day for twenty-five years, to not so much as holding hands with them.
“I’m sorry, Whit,” he said, and my eyes filled as I looked into his familiar face. “Hurting you was never my intention and I’ve hated myself for doing it. But I truly believe we are better off now than we’d be if we’d stuck it out.”
Since I was happier now than I’d been in ages, I had to agree with him.
“Thanks for talking with me,” I said as I stood up. “I know you probably wanted to shut the door when you saw me on the other side.”
He rose and gave me a small smile.
“I’m always here if you need me, Whit. Truly.”
“Thanks, Marcus. I’ll see you later,” I said, before going back the way I came and letting myself out.
I felt a million times better than I had when I’d arrived, like a weight I hadn’t realized I’d been carrying all these years had been lifted.
Now I just had to figure out what I wanted and what it meant for me and Luca.
Thirty-Four
Luca
“Thanks for coming over, man,” I told Damon as I took another drink. “I really didn’t want to be alone.”
“Anytime. You know I’m always here if you need me.”
Damon and I had come back to my apartment after the dinner of disaster. Which is what I was calling it…
“Man, that was bad,” I moaned, not for the first time. “I can’t believe things went downhill so quickly. I think the biggest problem is that I’d had it so built up in my mind, ya know? The woman I love finally meeting my family. I pictured this big kumbaya moment.” I shook my head and sneered, “What an idiot.”
“Woman you love?” Damon asked.
I looked over at him and it took a moment for the three of him to merge into one.
I took another drink.
“Yeah, I love her, man. Of course I do. Why else would any of this matter?”
“You’ve never said that to me before … not even about Giada.”
“I know, right?” I said, hanging my head. “That’s why I acted like a fucking teenager instead of a man. I’m in uncharted waters here, man. And I’d never seen Whitney react to anything the way she did today. I didn’t know what to do, so I let myself get pissed and worry about how my family would react … as usual … rather than focusing on her and what she was feeling. I totally fucked it up, brother.”
“Hey, you’re only human,” Damon said, and it sounded like he’d moved closer, but when I glanced up he was still sitting in the chair next to me. “Give yourself a break, I’m sure Whitney will. You were both dealing with some stuff and neither one of you reacted well, but you’re still on a learning curve, man. You’ve never been this serious about a woman before, and all that stuff with Char … Well, that’s another discussion all together.”
“I think there’s trouble there, Damon,” I said as I leaned back against the cushions. “Nigel’s been gone a lot and Char’s really unhappy. I know how my parents feel about divorce, but I don’t think Char should be forced to be miserable because of it.”
“Did you tell her that?” he asked softly.
I opened one eye and looked at him. “I did. But I think I need to have a talk with Nigel.”
“I’d like to be there for that…”
“I’m sure you would. Just as I’m sure that’s a terrible idea,” I said with a chuckle.
“So, how do things stand with Whitney?” Damon asked, and even though I knew he was trying to change the subject, I let him. Because this was all I could think about right now.
“She said we needed to pause, whatever the hell that means. I mean, a pause can be a few seconds, a few days … longer. And you know what, I don’t want to pause. I want to press play. Just because we hit one obstacle in our relationship doesn’t mean we pause it.”