An hour later I was almost hoarse from saying his name, and I could feel the way my skin was burning under the sun. The sky was overcast and it was cooler, so I’d forgotten the very real need I had for sunscreen when I was outside this long.
I came to a stop. I was getting thirsty and burned. I’d have to head back. I tried one last time. “Magnus!”
Then I heard something. It sounded like a whimper. I called his name again, and this time there was a definite bark. I followed it and found Magnus, his collar caught in a bush. My heart leaped at the sight of him, so glad he was safe. And at the very least I could give Noah this.
“You naughty boy, why do you keep doing this?” I asked and hugged him tightly. He licked my face in response, his tail wagging, and he seemed very happy to see me.
It took me a second to get him free, as he’d really managed to tangle himself up in the thorny vegetation. When I got him loose, I held on to his collar, but he sat and didn’t seem in a hurry to go anywhere. “Let me check you out.”
I wasn’t a vet or anything, but he didn’t seem to be bleeding, which I figured was a good sign. “Are you okay?” I asked, and he just looked up at me with doggy love in his eyes, and I hugged him again.
It took me a while to get him back to Noah’s, because I could only walk so fast hunched over and hanging on to Magnus’s collar. I couldn’t risk him running off again, and who knew if he had been properly chastened by his adventure or if he was ready for another one?
Someone spotted me as I got closer to the main trail and called out, “There he is! Magnus!”
I saw Noah running over a crest, skidding down until he came to a stop in front of us. I couldn’t catch my breath looking at him. It had been so long and I had missed him so much that it made me ache with need.
And it was like he was torn on what to say. I could see his relief at Magnus being found but his uncertainty about what to do with me.
“Juliet? What are you doing here? How did you find him?”
“I was bringing something to Gladys and Reina told me that Magnus was missing and I . . . I couldn’t bear the idea of you losing him.”
Again, I saw the pain and confusion in his eyes. “Your skin is all red.”
I held out one of my hands in front of me. “Little bit. But it was worth it.”
“You did that for . . .” His voice trailed off. He looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he stooped down to pick up his dog and carry him back inside.
That was it. Conversation over. I was never going to see him again. Pinpricks of pain lanced my gut, and I put my hand on my stomach, as if I was trying to hold everything in. I didn’t want to cry and yell his name.
Then he turned slightly. “Do you want to come inside and get something to drink?” he asked.
“Yes.” More than I’d ever wanted anything.
There was a crowd of people at his house, and once they saw that Magnus had returned, they started calling the other searchers and telling them he was safe. Then they began leaving after telling Noah how glad they were that Magnus was back home. Magnus seemed to be loving the attention of everybody who petted him and told him not to run off again.
I went to wait in the library. New hardwood floors had been laid down, but there was rough drywall on the interior walls. The weight of being in this house again pressed down on me. I tried to gather my thoughts, to figure out exactly what I was going to say, but they were scattering in a thousand different directions and I couldn’t slow them down.
Noah entered the room, handing me a cold water bottle.
“Thank you,” I said, opening it and drinking a large gulp.
Magnus came over to me, resting his head on my lap, as if to tell me he missed me. I scratched under his chin while my heart felt like a bomb about to detonate. Would Noah talk first or should I?
He retreated to stand in the doorway, his arms folded, his body language telling me he didn’t want me there.
“I’m sorry,” I said, the words spilling out of me. “I never got to apologize to you and I want to do that now. I’m sorry that I hurt you. That was the last thing I would ever want to do.”
“But you did it anyway. I told you how important the truth is to me.”
“I know,” I said, grasping on to Magnus’s fur to help me feel grounded. “I should have said something earlier. But this wasn’t a scheme. I wasn’t trying to trick you. Just deflate your ego a little bit. Then we started hanging out and you hired Shelby and she really needed this job. I told myself that I was protecting her.”
His eyes still seemed flat. “I know you’d do anything for her.”
“Yes. But once I got to really know you, that didn’t work as an excuse any longer. I know the kind of man you are, and you’d never fire her because you were angry with me.” Which he’d already proven by keeping her on even though we were broken up. “And the night we met, if I’d had any clue about how gentle and good and loving you were, I never would have lied to you. I thought you were some arrogant jerk. I wish I’d known better. It was never a scheme or a ploy to get you to like me. I’m not insane.”
“I know that,” he said. “Now that I’ve calmed down, I know.”
Then why aren’t you kissing me? I wanted to ask, but I didn’t.
He continued, “But that doesn’t make what you did any less of a lie. You pretended the entire time we were together that you’d never heard of me before that night.”
“That’s true. I did. And I shouldn’t have. I’ll spend the rest of my life apologizing to you if that’s what it takes. You were so good about respecting my boundaries, and I failed to respect yours.”
He nodded, and hope surged inside me again, wondering if I was getting through to him. But all he said was, “I appreciate that.” He paused a beat and said, “Your eyes are all red.”
“Yeah, I might have been, you know, crying a little bit earlier.” Nonstop since he’d walked out of my mom’s house, thank you very much. “I really miss you.”
He didn’t say anything. Maybe Shelby had been wrong about this. About him missing me and being miserable without me.
But no matter how he was or was not feeling about me, he’d kept his word. “You called your friends to patronize my business. Just like you said you would.”
At that, he looked down at his feet. “Shelby said you were struggling, so I made some phone calls.”
He’d made the phone calls. Not Kyle or his publicist or anyone else. Noah had done it himself. That had to mean something.
That blue butterfly-wing hope returned. “Speaking of Shelby, there’s some things she helped me realize. That my dad maybe gave me more issues than I’d realized. I thought my kissing phobia was my biggest fear, but it turns out it was losing you. And I did want to tell you. You know how I get when I’m afraid. So I didn’t say anything. Because avoidance has been my coping mechanism for so long that I—”
He cut me off. “No, you do not get to use my weakness for you against me.”
“Weakness for me?” I repeated, surprised.
“You’re my kryptonite. So is how much I care about what you’ve gone through, how important it was to me to help you, how much I love you. You can’t play on that now.”