“Thank you, I just might take you up on that,” I answered, wondering again what would happen when that final destination was reached. “Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
I dropped my phone on the bed once the call ended, rubbing Kalo’s fluffy head between my hands before hopping up and shoving my toiletries into my bag. I’d been so distracted by Emery’s hands on me the night before that I’d almost forgotten what I read in his journal, but now that he was locked in the bathroom with signs of a bad day written all over him, it was all I could think of.
But the truth is I know I won’t find what Grams thought I would, not until I reach our last dot on the map.
Only then will I find peace.
It didn’t make any more sense to me in the daylight than it did when I read it in the darkness, but it still made me feel just as sick. I wanted to read more, to find out what I’d missed, put the puzzle together, but the bathroom door swung open before I had the chance.
Emery’s eyes were ringed with purple, his hair stretching out in every which way as he ran a hand through it again. He hadn’t slept, I knew without asking, and today was a bad day, I knew without him saying a word.
“Hey,” I said tentatively, crossing the space between us. I slipped my hands around his waist, resting my head on his chest, but his arms didn’t move to pull me in.
“You about ready?”
I nodded against his t-shirt, inhaling the clean scent of the hotel soap still present from his shower the night before. “I’m ready when you are.” I paused. “It’s a bad day, isn’t it?”
My voice was low, barely a whisper, and Emery sighed as his hands wrapped around my upper arms. He peeled me off him, crossing to where his bag was on the bed and shoving the last of his belongings inside it before throwing it over his shoulder. “I walked Kalo, and there’s breakfast in that bag. We should head out, I think the early traffic on the PCH should be clearing soon, so hopefully it won’t be as crowded.”
“Emery.”
“Where are we stopping today? Santa Barbara and Pismo Beach?”
I shook my head, eyes on the carpet. He was avoiding me. It was almost worse than when he didn’t talk to me at all. I thought of the night before, wondering if I’d done something wrong. Maybe I wasn’t as good as he thought I would be. Maybe he realized he made a mistake. Maybe he couldn’t try, not like he thought he could.
But when those thoughts washed through me, I silenced them with a calming breath.
It’s not about me.
I knew that, even if it was hard to understand, hard to accept. He wasn’t upset with me, he wasn’t avoiding me or doing anything on purpose to upset me. It was a bad day, a day when he couldn’t give me much, but he asked me for it to be enough, anyway.
Emery wrapped Kalo’s leash around his fist and headed for the door, slinging my bag over his other shoulder, but my hand found his bicep as he passed, stopping him.
“Wait,” I said softly, eyes trailing up slowly. He was focused on the door, gaze straight ahead. I opened my mouth to say something else, to ask him to talk to me, to ask him what he was thinking, but all my thoughts died before they left my lips as words.
His nostrils flared, eyes falling to the floor like he was ashamed as he let out his own long breath.
“This isn’t easy for me, okay? I told you I would try, and I am, but I don’t like to talk about everything. I don’t have anything to say. I’m tired, and honestly, I didn’t even want to get up this morning, but I did. I’m trying. But I need you to just give me a little space today, okay?”
He didn’t mean to say the words harshly, but they came out that way, and my eyes watered a little as I dropped my hand from his forearm. “Okay.”
It was all I could manage and still respect what he’d asked of me. It was harder than I thought, giving him what he needed.
He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, then he grabbed my hands in his own. “It’s not you. The past two nights have been…” his voice trailed off when I lifted my chin. “I don’t have the words, okay? But it’s not you. Just… please, give me today. I’ll tell you what’s going on up here,” he said, tapping his temple. “When I can. When I figure it out myself. But right now, I just need you to understand.”
My heart ached with the urge to help him, to hold him, to sort through his thoughts together, but I wasn’t invited. As much as that stung, even him telling me this much was a step for us, and I held onto that as I nodded.
“Okay.”
We loaded up the car in silence, putting the top down as yet another gorgeous California day greeted us. I let my hand ride the breeze as we drove, popping in a CD a local rock band had given us on the pier the night before. Their vibe was a mixture of grunge and reggae, and I bobbed along to the beat, trying my best not to think about what was going through Emery’s mind as he drove beside me.
We planned to drive up the Pacific Coast Highway in about three days, give or take, and our first stop would be Santa Barbara. It was breathtaking, driving the coast, the waves rolling in and crashing against the rigid edges of the coast below us as we followed the winding road through the hills and valleys. Somewhere along the way, Emery’s hand found my thigh, and it rested there as we drove, a silent promise that even though he wasn’t talking that day, he was still there. He was still with me.
When we passed a sign that said we were about sixty miles away from Santa Barbara, an idea sprouted in my mind, and I reached forward to turn the music down.
“You know, I’ve never been kayaking before,” I said, and Emery turned to me then, his brows bent above his sunglasses. “What do you say we change that?”
It was sneaky.
I knew it even before I suggested it, and after Emery agreed to go, I went right back to letting him be silent and in his head. I knew taking him kayaking would make him think of his childhood, of good times with his family, and I hoped it would open him up for the evening. It wasn’t fair to play off emotions I wasn’t supposed to know about, like winning a game by stealing the other team’s playbook, but I didn’t feel guilty.
Because it worked.
We spent our afternoon in Santa Barbara, kayaking through the incredible sea caves and hiking on one of the islands. I didn’t try to talk to Emery the entire time, and most of it I spent away from him, exploring on my own. Kalo rode in his kayak since I was new to it, and he hiked with her on the island while I did the wildlife tour with our guide. After we were done, we packed up the car and got back on the road, and still, I didn’t bother Emery.
He was in his head, wheels turning as fast as the ones we rode on up the coast, and when we stopped for the night in Pismo Beach, he let me take the first shower, reaching inside his bag for his journal and immediately retreating out onto our balcony.
I took my time showering, washing my stump first before sending some of the pictures from my kayaking adventure to Tammy and Lily. Then I ran the shower, balancing on my good leg and lathering up with the premium soaps the hotel offered. I even used their blow dryer to dry my hair straight and long down my back, putting in contacts for only the second time since we began our trip and applying a bit of mascara. I was tan from the day in the sun, so I didn’t need much else.