Better that way, he told himself as he pushed to stand. He felt sore in all the right places and not sore enough in all the wrong ones. He realized he wanted to be filled. He wanted to be stretched around Jude’s cock so wide, he could still feel it days later.
But he wasn’t stupid enough to ask for that.
“Give me five,” he said, and Jude nodded. He was allowing him the escape, allowing him to come down from that euphoria and get his shit together before they had to make the drive home. He headed down the hall to the bathroom and closed the door behind him with a loud click. The bulb was burnt out, but a little fogged window behind the toilet gave enough light that he could see rust rings inside the bowl and a sink with a tap that looked like it would only work if he was lucky.
There were no towels, but there was a roll of dusty paper towels in the linen closet, and he threw it into the sink before leaning over to take a piss. His dick felt strangely unsatisfied, and his balls were a little sticky from Jude’s mouth. He hadn’t been ready to stop. He’d been ready to give everything, and he wondered if that was what Gunner went through when Logan started to climb under his skin.
Had it been like that? An innocent hook-up—a way to pass the time in a shitty situation they had no way out of before he was suddenly and inexplicably head over heels?
If that was the case, they were all at risk. Kicks didn’t have anything against love or relationships, but he refused to give in to something that would make him weak and pathetic.
And he didn’t trust his heart to lead.
He’d made one bad decision that changed his life forever. And he wasn’t looking for round two.
7
Jude knew sex would complicate things, but they’d been dancing around the tension all bloody day, and he knew it would be better to just get a quick orgasm out of their system. It wasn’t like he hadn’t done that before, and it wasn’t like he had any sort of moral high ground to stand on considering the situation he was in.
What he hadn’t expected was the profound feeling of being punched in the sternum when he looked up and found Emilio staring at him. His eyes were deep set—one slightly off-center—and he felt absolutely seen by the man. His lips were parted on a sharp gasp as he was tipping over the edge, and Jude couldn’t help himself but turn him over and rut against his ass until he painted his backside with come.
He didn’t say anything as Emilio escaped into the bathroom and locked the door—and he knew it was likely because of his callous words, but he didn’t know what else to do. It was bad enough he was in that situation. It was bad enough he hadn’t even tried to resist his libido. The last thing he needed were bloody feelings.
He could tell Emilio had been thrown by the whole thing, though. He’d spent half the day avoiding Jude, and it had only taken a handful of minutes before they’d crashed through any barriers they’d attempted to build. He wasn’t quite sure what it meant. He’d pegged Emilio as the sort of carefree man who—much like Jude—took pleasure when he felt like it and avoided anything deeper.
But when the man had looked at him with both wonder and need, Jude realized he was entirely wrong. And he had no idea what the hell to do with that.
Jude could still taste the man on the back of his tongue, and he wanted more. It was absurd—it was ridiculous. He was only going to make things worse if he entertained another round with the biker.
So, he didn’t wait for him. He cleaned up the mess they’d made, set aside more pie for Emilio, then stole the last of the beer from the fridge and took the bottles outside. It took him a couple tries to get the cap off, but eventually he did, and he let the alcohol burn on the way down when he took a long swallow. It didn’t take the edge off—hell, it almost made it worse.
If his inhibitions were any lower, Jude really would be willing to accept a bit of spit-lube and a sore arse if it meant he could get fucked against one of the cabin’s shitty little walls. Especially now that he knew how well Emilio responded to commands—how much he wanted it.
He rubbed a hand down his face and let out a soft groan. “Get it together,” he muttered to himself in Hebrew.
There was a small noise behind him, then something like a laugh. “What the fuck language is that? Klingon?”
Jude turned his head and lifted a brow at the sight of Emilio who looked a lot more put together than he expected him to. “Klingon? Are you a secret nerd?”
“It ain’t a secret, rabbi, trust me. I grew up on that shit,” Emilio said. He hesitated, then sank down on the step next to Jude and let their thighs gently brush together. When he held out his hand, Jude hesitated, then rolled his eyes and handed the beer over. “You don’t get to be an engineer without being at least part nerd.”
His lips threatened to curve into a smile, but he managed to hold it back. “Secret romantic nerd.”
Emilio shrugged and handed the bottle back, now half gone. “And you’re a rabbi who says fuck way too much, sucks dick like a god, and drinks.”
“I think you’re confusing me with a priest again,” Jude said, then took a long swallow. “We have an entire holiday dedicated to getting pissed. And it wasn’t our people that spent years crying about the pleasures of the flesh being a sin.”
Emilio made a soft humming noise, but he didn’t ask him to elaborate, which he appreciated because he was already in the middle of a faith crisis. He didn’t need to throw his own choices into the mix. One bloody crisis at a time, thank you very much.
“Do you like what you do?” Emilio asked after a beat. “Being a rabbi?”
Jude cocked his head to the side. “Sometimes. It wasn’t what I originally wanted to do with my life.”
Emilio snorted a laugh. “Yeah? What did you want to be when you grew up?”
“Astronaut, probably.” He turned his face up toward the sky, which was slowly starting to darken with the impending dusk. “I wanted to walk on the moon.”
“Just the moon?”
Jude nudged him with his elbow. “For a start. What about you?”
Emilio’s face softened, not quite into a smile, but something kinder than the way he’d looked earlier. “I wanted to build rocket ships.”
“Fuck off,” Jude said, and Emilio laughed. “You’re only saying that so I feel less bad about having wanted to go hunt moon rocks.”
Emilio shook his head, still smiling. “I’m not lying. I was obsessed with the idea of combustion. I got suspended for two weeks because I managed to blow up one of the stations in the science lab.”
Jude blinked at him, then bowed his head and chuckled. “Is it odd that I can picture that happening?”
“Nah.” Emilio nudged him back, then left his elbow resting against his side. “It’ll only make more sense the more you get to know me.”
Jude felt that like a jolt—the idea that he might have the chance. He didn’t know what Eliah had gotten himself into or what that would mean for his life after this was all over, but it occurred to him that people like Emilio might be a regular fixture in his life from now on.
“Do you think we’re going to be followed?” he asked after a beat.