Eliah had always looked at Jude like he was the stronger twin—like he was the one who had his shit together and could get himself out of any situation. He’d never understood that most of Jude’s reckless behavior had been borne from fear—and from guilt. That he was trying to cause himself pain because he couldn’t live with the feeling like it should have been his body shattered on the side of the road.
And he was wondering now if HaShem was trying to teach him that lesson.
“Talk to me,” Emilio said, breaking through Jude’s spiral. “Tell me a story.”
Jude laughed. “What sort of story? Something philosophical? Religious? Anecdotal?”
“What’s that last one mean?”
Jude grinned. “An anecdotal story? Let me see…” He dared to close his eyes, only for a second. “How about the story of the first boy I snogged? I was seventeen and trying to act like I knew what the hell I was doing.”
Emilio let out a surprised laugh. “Yeah?”
“I wasn’t expecting him to go for me. I was dealing with a lot of…uncomfortable feelings at home with Eliah’s recovery and everything. My parents were terrified I was going to fail all of my exams and amount to nothing, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure if I was going to prove them right or wrong.” Jude started to shuffle a few steps, determinedly not looking back at the man, though he was peripherally aware of him, and he still hadn’t moved. “I got in with a…I guess you could call it a bad crowd.”
“Guys like me?”
Jude closed his eyes a second and shook his head. “Nothing like you. They didn’t care about much. Certainly not me. But they had access to things that could make me forget in the moment. And I have a lot of regrets about the choices I made, but that night wasn’t one of them.”
“How did it happen?” Emilio said, his voice barely audible behind the roar of his bike.
Jude closed his eyes against the soft breeze coming off the water, and he allowed himself something like a smile at the memory. “One of my mates nicked a bunch of vodka from his parents, and we went down to the beach and started a little bonfire. Someone was passing around a joint, and I remember feeling heavy and light all at the same time. I was lying on my back, staring up at the stars, and then he was there.”
“What was his name?” Emilio asked.
Jude laughed. “I don’t remember. I barely remember what he looked like. I think he was really fit. The sort of jock-type who might have called me a pouf and tortured me at school. So, it kind of felt like a triumph to have him staring at me like I was the only thing in the world he wanted. I made him work for it.”
“Oh, babe, I have no doubt,” Emilio said with a dark chuckle.
Jude felt another rush of heat at the memory of Emilio beneath him. “I wasn’t as suave back then,” he admitted with a small smile. “I didn’t even know what I wanted. Eliah had already told me he fancied men, but I was…” Jude passed a hand down his face, then glanced over at the man who still hadn’t moved. “I was angry at him. I was afraid it was just one more way his life was going to be shit. I snogged a lot of girls to prove to myself that it wasn’t going to happen to me.”
“Did it help?” Emilio asked.
Jude laughed again, this time the sound bitter. “I think you know perfectly well it didn’t.”
Emilio laughed, and he sounded like he was smiling when he spoke again., “I’m not here to make assumptions about you, babe. I like women just as much as I like men. I don’t think I give a shit about gender at all. But I also haven’t fucked a lot of people. I don’t…” There was something tight in his voice, and he let out a breath that almost sounded shaky. “Tell me what happened with the jock.”
Jude heard the deflection for what it was, and he cared enough about Emilio to let him have the out. “He kissed me, and so many things made sense. It was like someone turned on the sun for a moment. His hands were rough, and his mouth tasted disgusting, but he was tender in a way I wasn’t expecting him to be. And I realized in that moment, Eliah’s life wasn’t going to be shit for this reason. And neither was mine.”
“And when you decided to become a rabbi—that didn’t matter?”
“No, because that wasn’t the kind of rabbi I wanted to be,” Jude told him, and in spite of questioning himself on everything, that part held fast. “God made sense to me because I knew in my heart we weren’t meant to suffer for love. Not like that.” He paused, then snorted a laugh. “Not that I loved that bloke. He was such a terrible little shit, but he was important to me.”
“I get it,” Emilio said. There was a pause, then he asked, “Is your stalker still there?”
Jude glanced over, and his heart gave a sudden crash against his chest. “No.”
“Do you hear my bike?”
And he realized he could. “Yeah, I do. Where are you?”
“I just drove by, and I’m flipping a bitch right now. Can you head back up to the parking lot?”
It took him longer than he wanted to think about, but when Jude walked up the ramp and stepped onto the pavement, the only person there was Emilio. He looked like a leather-clad messiah straddling his bike, the sun glinting off his dark shades. He looked like a man who could wield a holy weapon and free people from fear and captivity.
His heart thumped again as he slipped his phone into his pocket and began the slow trek, closing the distance between them. Emilio had his bike turned off and the kickstand down just as Jude reached his side.
“You’re moving easier,” he said.
Jude scoffed. “It’s a process.” He glanced around him, half-convinced that the stranger was lying in wait, but he could feel the absence of him. “What now?”
“I didn’t get a good look at the fucker—only the bike he was on,” Emilio said with a grimace. “But that little display says they’re getting bold enough to make a move.”
Jude winced. “Bloody hell.”
“Sounds about right.” Emilio rubbed his hand through his hair, then shrugged. “You better get packing.”
Jude’s eyes went wide. “I’m sorry? You want me to leave?”
“Well, you can’t stay here,” he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Taking a step back, Jude shook his head. “The hell I can’t. I’m not packing up again.”
Emilio pulled his glasses down and his eyes narrowed. “You really wanna push me, rabbi? You got two choices here, and you know what they are.”
Jude’s stomach twisted because he knew that was true—and he was already bound and determined not to flee the country and leave Eliah here in this mess on his own. “When you take this man down,” he said, stepping closer so he could lower his voice, “who takes his place?”
Emilio stared for a long moment, then shrugged. “Who the fuck knows. Could be anyone—could be no one. This ain’t like TV, babe, but it ain’t the easiest life either. We had a good stretch of time where no one gave a flying fuck who were or what we were doing.”
“Except that isn’t entirely true, is it?” Jude countered. He didn’t know everything, but he knew enough. “This all started because people couldn’t let go of the past.”