Oh dear. Her inhibitions were swooning like Victorian women.
“I can’t guarantee that I can be what you want me to be or anything else about the future,” he continued. “We won’t know what’s going to happen with us until we let it happen.”
She appreciated that he’d refrained from spouting lies about his ability to trust. At the same time, uneasiness curved around her lungs, because she truly did see his issues as landmines.
“The timing of our relationship is terrible,” she stated.
“How so?”
“At the moment, I’m focused on shepherding Dylan through his senior year.”
“Your focus on that shouldn’t and doesn’t have to change.”
“Then next school year, when Dylan goes to college, I’ll finally have the opportunity to begin my PhD coursework online. It won’t be easy. I’ll still be working full time at the high school. Classes, studying, projects, and papers will take almost all the free time I have. It doesn’t make sense to sabotage my focus by adding a man to my life who has a very demanding career of his own.”
“Leah.”
“Yes?”
“If you told me you wanted Saturn on a string, I would do my best to get it for you. I’m a determined person, and I’m determined that you’ll get your PhD. If you’ll let me, I’ll fight beside you to protect your dream.”
His words knocked the wind out of her. “I—I don’t expect you to protect my dream.”
“It’s important to you, so it’s important to me.”
Nothing he could have said would have endeared him to her more.
“What other concerns do you have?” he asked.
“We don’t live in the same town. That’s a concern.”
“I don’t like living an hour and forty minutes away from you, but I’m willing to come here for the weekend whenever I’m not on call. I won’t pressure you to come to Atlanta.”
“You pressured me to go to Atlanta just a few days ago!”
“Okay, fine. I’ll do my best not to pressure you in the future. At least—” he looked sheepish—“not often. If there comes a time when someone needs to move, I will.”
“You don’t mean that.”
He looked her right in the eye. “Try me.”
“There are no pediatric heart clinics in Misty River.”
“If sacrifices or compromises need to be made for our relationship, Leah, I’ll be the one to make them.”
She’d been to his hospital twice. She’d seen a few of his patients. Extensively, she’d studied his specialty. She’d never condone his leaving Beckett Memorial unless he left to accept a more senior position at an even more influential hospital. So, see? Her vehement reaction to the mere idea of his moving proved her concern valid. Despite his incredibly noble words, if one of them had to make a compromise for their relationship, it would not be the pediatric heart surgeon.
She’d watched her mom subjugate her dream of living overseas for her marriage, and look how well that had turned out. Ultimately, Mom’s resentment toward her husband had boiled over.
“You’re smart,” he said. “You rely on your brain to make informed decisions. I respect that. But your decision to take over custody of Dylan wasn’t made by your brain because, on paper, it didn’t add up.” He tipped his head slightly. “Was taking over custody of Dylan the best decision you ever made?”
Confound it! He was good at this. “You know that it was.”
“When it comes to me, I’m asking you to draw on whatever part of you made that decision. Not all good things make sense or can be quantified.”
Her years with Dylan had taught her the absolute truth of that.
Sebastian closed the space between them and took her face in his hands. “You’ve shown how brave you are. Be brave with me.”
She might be opening herself up to deep heartache if she let this continue. “Ah . . .” Lord! What should I do? Show me. Tell me.
No clear answer came.
Sebastian’s talk of protecting her dreams had gone to her head, because it was so astonishingly, shockingly wonderful to have someone on her side, supporting what she valued. “The thing is,” she whispered, “I don’t need a man in my life. I have math.” One of her fingertips disobeyed orders and traced the shape of his lower lip.
“I don’t want you to need me. I want you to choose me.”
“I abhor romance.” She slid her fingers into the thick, silky strands of his hair.
“I know.”
He took her mouth in a kiss—thorough, urgent, filled with pent-up feelings—and her resistance fell like a building leveled by dynamite.
Drugging minutes passed. He lifted his head a few inches. “Am I your boyfriend now?”
“No.”
“Yes I am.” He regarded her challengingly. “I am now, Leah.”
“We’re not together.”
“Yes we are. We’ve had a fight, and I’ve driven across Georgia to make up with you, and now we’re together. Agreed?”
She hesitated. “I’m undecided and in need of convincing.” A smile stole across her mouth.
More kisses filled her kitchen with golden heat and wonder.
“Are we together?” His voice had turned raspy.
She answered with “Undecided” the next four times he asked that question, until she was gasping and he was watching her with eyes that made a million promises.
“Yes,” she finally said. She defied any woman, given the temptation of Sebastian Grant, to answer differently.
Her misgivings remained.
It’s just that, at this awe-laced moment, the joy he offered was greater.
Leah lay wide-awake in bed until well after one that morning. Marveling. Melting. Worrying.
Sebastian had stayed for two hours, which was far longer than was wise, considering the length of his drive home and how early the two of them had to be at work. But a wide strain of rebelliousness ran through Sebastian. He wasn’t one to make the sensible choice if the sensible choice wasn’t what he wanted.
The text she’d asked him to send when he reached home finally arrived.
I’m at my apartment.
Sweet dreams.
Good night, girlfriend.
I wholeheartedly dislike girlfriend as an endearment.
Fine. Good night, princess.
Princess is worse than girlfriend. I advise you to stick with professor. Professor, I like.
In that case, good night, Professor.
She set her phone to silent, placed it on its dock, and relaxed against her pillows. “What are you up to?” she asked God.
Since Sebastian had asked her out on their first date, she’d been praying for and about him daily.
It comforted her when God provided her with clarity, like He’d done so many times before, regarding the path He wanted her to take.
In this case, He hadn’t provided clarity, which left her with circling doubts.
She couldn’t fathom why God had brought Sebastian into her life or His objective for the two of them.
“Are you paying attention?” Her words vanished into the darkness. If I’m veering off track by dating him, please, please let me know and steer me back on course.