“You’re upset, and I want to understand why.”
He backed away from her.
“Stay,” she said. “Let’s talk this through—”
“I can’t.”
His self-control was cracking like plaster. He couldn’t let that happen in front of her.
“Sebastian,” she said.
He climbed into his car and drove away.
As he took one unthinking turn after another, the sensation that he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs grew more and more urgent. Finally, he pulled onto a half circle of dirt that formed an overlook and exited his car.
The land fell away, providing a view of mountains retreating into the distance. No houses or people nearby. Just nature.
He wrapped his palms around the metal railing at the curve’s edge and concentrated on breathing. Anger flew around inside him like a black crow.
“I’ll be fine,” his mom had told him, when she’d spent all day one Saturday in bed.
“What’s the matter?” He handed her the Pop-Tart and glass of milk he’d made her for dinner.
“I’m just a little under the weather.” She sat up in bed, her back supported by pillows. “All of us get sick sometimes. Remember when you had strep throat a few months ago? Now you’re as healthy as can be.”
“Yeah, but . . .” She didn’t look good. Why was she so thin? Her face was too white. He swallowed down worry. “I went to the doctor for medicine. You need to go to the doctor, too.”
“I’ll go on Monday, ’kay? Will that satisfy you?”
She was teasing him, but it wasn’t funny. It was dark and scary in here with the blinds closed.
“Will that satisfy you?” she repeated.
“Mmm-hmm.”
“Hey. I’ve taught you to say what you mean. So don’t say ‘mmm-hmm’ if it isn’t what you mean. What’re you afraid of? You can tell me.” She looked right at him, challenging.
“That you’ll die.”
She smoothed his hair, then took hold of his shoulder. “I promise you that I won’t die.”
She was his mom. He believed her. He needed to believe her.
“I’ll go to the doctor and get medicine,” she said, “and they’ll fix me up. I’ve never let my health beat me once. I’m a fighter. You know that about me, right?”
“Right.”
“I’m raising you to be a fighter, too.” She squeezed his shoulder. “You can’t let fear have control. We’re Grants, and Grants are strong. We can do whatever we put our minds to.” She shooed him. “Now go make me another Pop-Tart. I don’t think one will be enough.”
He’d made her another Pop-Tart, but it had gone to waste. She’d only eaten half of the first one.
When she’d died, and for a long, long time after, his feelings had been on one side of a glass pane while his body had existed on the other side. No longer. Leah had broken the glass, and now he was experiencing the weight of every emotion he’d never wanted to feel.
“You can’t let fear have control,” his mother had said.
Too late.
He did not want to be parted from Leah. Just the idea of that turned his stomach. Yet to love her then lose her would cost more than he could afford. His mom’s death had sent him down a destructive path that had lasted for years. What would the loss of Leah do to him?
He turned away from the rail and interlaced his hands behind his skull.
Already, he’d put himself at risk by allowing Leah to become one of the most important things in his world.
He’d made a mistake—a mistake he’d just tried to fix by breaking up with her.
A deep, black hole opened in his soul.
Upon arriving at home, Leah immediately shut herself in her room. She sat on the floor, leaned against the foot of her bed, and pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes.
She would not behave like a lovelorn girl and cry!
A soft knock. “Leah?” Dylan asked.
“Hmm?”
“Everything cool?”
Their roles had reversed. She was the one hiding in her room and he was the one checking on her. Affection lumped in her throat. “Yes. Everything’s cool.”
“Sebastian called earlier, wondering where you were.”
“I saw him. It’s all good.”
“Sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“’Kay.” His footsteps retreated.
Internally, she shook her fist at romance and called it a string of bad names, because it turned out that she was going to cry like a lovelorn girl. Her immunity to men had been disproven. Her feelings of superiority regarding her singleness had been humbled.
When you met a man you couldn’t help but love . . . it changed everything.
She’d kept it together while talking with Sebastian. But just now, while driving home, the spent drama had heavied her body. Subtle shaking had overtaken her limbs. The reality of Sebastian’s words had crushed down.
“I can’t get any more involved.”
Every step of the way, she’d been very cautious about dating him.
He’d overcome her barriers by treating her beautifully, respectfully, devotedly. By speaking vows with his kisses.
Was it possible that she’d misinterpreted the depth of his feelings? She was not gifted at reading people. Maybe she’d ascribed meaning to his words and actions that wasn’t there—
No.
She’d asked him to be direct with her and he’d honored that request. She’d stake money on the fact that he cared about her a great deal. If she had to guess what had happened between them this afternoon, she’d guess that he’d been propelled over the dividing line between his affection for her and his wounds.
She’d given him a reason not to trust her. And he’d pulled away. She’d been clear-eyed about his issues and limits from the start. Which is why she’d prayed again and again, asking for God’s guidance concerning Sebastian. God had remained stubbornly silent.
“Why did you put me through this?” she asked Him softly. “This is exactly what I was afraid would happen.”
God had stood back and allowed her to follow Sebastian into a trap. He’d let her feelings for Sebastian break free of the box where she’d wisely been trying to keep them.
In the past, God had always steered her. Always defended her.
Why not this time? I don’t understand why you didn’t answer when I repeatedly asked you to show me your will. She’d been poised to obey Him, willing. But He had not spoken.
For the first time since she’d believed in Him, He’d let her down, and now she’d landed herself in a wretched predicament. She’d fallen in love with a man who’d promptly broken up with her. She was experiencing the pain she’d seen other women endure when their relationships ended, a pain she’d planned to sidestep.
She truly couldn’t stand to think about facing the lack of Sebastian’s phone calls, smile, presence, conversations. He was loneliness and staggering success and childhood sorrow. He was a brilliant brain in a rugby player’s body. Inky hair and uncompromising features.
She’d done what she had to do for Claire today. Yet it devastated her to think that her actions had cost her Sebastian.