I sucked in a lungful of air and released it. It felt like I’d said it all in one long breath, not wanting to chicken out and stop talking. I dragged my hands back and forth over my knees.
“I know that was a lot. And I feel you deserved to hear it.”
Resting my hands on my legs, I let the tightness in my chest ease, replaced by a rightness of finally saying the words out loud. It was easy to confuse that rightness of saying what I needed to with a rightness at being here. I didn’t belong here, I didn’t belong with her. Old patterns were hard to break, especially ones you longed for, and I’d never longed for anyone as much as I had Bay. I felt it deep down in my bones, as though she’d been stitched into my DNA, even after all my talks with Monica and my engagement to Alice. But the whirlwind of her life brought things out in me that I couldn’t go back to, which meant there was only one option. Leaving.
I stood from my seat. “Thank you for the invite for coffee.”
She shot up. “Wait! You’re leaving? That’s it?” Her hands rose and fell at her sides.
“One soul-baring per day is my maximum.”
“We can hang out. I’d love to hear what’s going on in your life. Hell, we could watch Die Hard or something. I can get Holden to push the call we have later on.” Her eager smile and hasty movements showed me how much she wanted me to stay.
“That’s not a great idea.”
The door to the office opened. “Don’t mind me.” Emily tiptoed from one door to the other.
“You’ve probably got a million things to do. The first game of the season’s coming up on Sunday.” Not that getting dressed and sitting for three hours took any energy at all, but I liked to be prepared.
An ache burned at the center of my chest to say yes. To sit and talk with her late into the night. To get to know each other all over again.
I walked past the living room furniture toward the door.
Bay’s footsteps followed close behind.
Spending time with her was all I’d ever dreamed of for so many nights, but the ground I was standing on was still made of glass. Not the fragile splintering kind where the ledge was sharp and right at the edge of my toes. This was sturdy, but I could still see down to a place I didn’t want to go again, and she was a one-woman sledgehammer.
“Maybe dinner?”
She had the life she deserved, and I wasn’t going to be the guy to fuck any of it up for her. I wasn’t sure I could be the guy she needed me to be when I couldn’t even pull that off with Alice.
“I don’t think it would be a good idea. Practices and games will be my life until January, maybe February if my magic touch holds.”
The room quieted the same way a stadium of 40,000 people did when a player took a nasty hit.
She took a step back and dropped her head.
“You’re right. Sorry for being so pushy.” She slid back into the same smile I’d seen her use with the jerk guy downstairs in the lounge. “Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today. Thank you for your forgiveness.” Her voice seemed to give out on that word. Her eyes glistened and the smile faltered. “And thank you for being so honest with me. I—I appreciate it.” Jerking the door open, she stepped aside to let me go.
Her security guy stood from his chair beside the elevator.
I stepped in close and wrapped my arms around her. She smelled different. But the hint of raspberry was still there. Buried, but still there. I allowed myself a full three seconds before letting her go and stepping back. “Bye, Bay.”
Through the rapidly closing door her words whispered through the air. “Bye, Keyton.”
7
Bay
I stood with my back to the door.
He’d taken the first opening to leave and leapt at it.
After what I’d done, I couldn’t blame him. The first time we’d seen each other in California, I’d made it clear I had nothing to say to him.
And here I’d thought a few nice words and we could pick up right where we’d left off—where I’d left off. Where I’d left.
“Bay, sorry to interrupt, but the call we have—” Holden looked up from his tablet and dropped it to his side. “He’s gone already?”
“Yeah, a lot to do to prep for the season.” It sounded like someone else was saying the words—someone not trying to piece herself back together after the first real conversation she’d had in years. I ran my hands up and down my arms, trying to banish a chill in the perfectly temperature-controlled room.
Crossing the room, he set down the tablet that usually seemed permanently welded to his hand. “And you’re not happy about that.”
Was it written in Sharpie across my forehead?
I perched on the edge of the living room seats. “It felt so final. He’d never been so open about his feelings before. There wasn’t anything cagey or guarded about him. He was an open book. It’s what I’d always hoped he’d be, and here he was, and he pretty much sprinted from the room the second I mentioned having dinner or watching a movie.”
“Maybe he needed to wake up early.” Holden offered it up like I was sitting alone at a birthday party no one showed up to. “You can’t say you’ve never had to cut a night short because of work the next day.”
I brushed my fingers across my lips thinking about the last time mine had touched his while he slept. “He said ‘bye, Bay’ and it didn’t hit me like ‘we’ll catch up later’. It sounded a lot like ‘have a nice life’.” My shoulders sagged and I slid off the arm of the chair into the seat like I’d been knocked down. I felt like I’d been sprinting the entire day and was finally collapsing.
“Do you want to start something with him?” He sat on the edge of the coffee table, eyes intent on mine. “I’m going to cancel the call.”
The magnetic pull of Holden’s tablet called to him, but he resisted and focused on me.
“No, I’m fine.” I tried to straighten in the chair, but the heaviness in my chest didn’t ease. How I felt inside must’ve been telegraphed on my face. Holden and I had a silent agreement that I’d do whatever it took to make my career a success.
“Pretty hard to have anything with someone who doesn’t want anything to do with you.” Dating hadn’t been on my radar for a long time. Trying to date anyone in this business was a recipe for disaster. I’d seen it happen so many times, which was why the shock reverberated through me that I’d even want to try with Keyton. After everything that had happened between us, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that a flare of hope was there when I found out he wasn’t with Alice anymore.
Desperation called and they wanted their look back. I needed to suck it up and forget about it. We’d both gotten to say what we needed to say. This could be the end.
“But you’d like to, if he were up for it?”
“Why are you asking me these questions?” I snapped.
Holden sighed, shaking his head. “When was the last time you’ve been on a date, Bay?”
I flung my hand in his direction. “You’d know better than me.”