Lisa calls to say she’s in the driveway waiting for me, saving me from thinking about it too much. I double check to make sure I unplugged my curling iron, then hurry through the house and go out the door.
“You look amazing!” she gushes when I get in the passenger side and buckle up.
“So do you,” I say back and hand her a wrapped box. “Happy birthday.”
“Sierra, you didn’t have to get me anything!”
“It’s not much,” I say. “And is kinda lame.”
“You’re always lame,” she says as she tears into the paper. “I don’t expect much from you, you know.”
“Keep the expectations low, that’s my motto.”
Lisa laughs and pulls a picture frame from the box. “Awww, this isn’t lame at all.” She blinks away tears and looks at the photo of us, arms wrapped around each other. We were six years old in that picture and were matching Disney princesses for Halloween. “Oh my God, look at how cute we were! This makes me feel so old! Thanks, love!”
“There’s one more thing.”
Lisa unfolds the tissue paper and screams. “Chainsmokers tickets! Holy fuck, Si!”
“So, I take it you’re excited?”
“Yes! Oh my God, yes! Thank you!”
I smile, feeling my heart warm. It’s such a strange feeling, one I forgot how much I missed. “I figured you and Rob can go. Assuming you haven’t gotten rid of him yet.”
Lisa laughs. “What about me and you? Oh, uh, yeah. Rob would love to go.” She looks at the tickets, no doubt seeing the date of the concert and not pushing the issue. She leans over the center console and hugs me. “Thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome. I’m glad you like it.”
“I love it.” She packs the frame and the tickets back in the box, sets it in the backseat and puts the car in drive. “I’d offer to buy you a drink tonight, but I think the girls will do all the work for you.” She raises her eyebrows and looks at my breasts. “Seriously, it’s not fair.”
“Try running with these things. Or riding horses. Or just laying down and being comfortable.”
“Like you’d really give them up.”
I shake my head. “Never. But I can humbly brag about how annoying having big boobs is all day.”
“Exactly my point.”
We both laugh and things almost feel normal on the short drive to The Mill House bar. The bar is busy tonight since beer is half-off on Friday nights. Katie, Bella, and Heather are already there and have already started drinking.
“Happy birthday!” they cheer and embrace Lisa before turning to me.
“We’re so glad you came out!” Katie says and wraps her arms around my shoulders. “I’ve missed you!”
“I’ve missed you ladies too,” I say, not wanting to make a big deal about anything. Though in truth, I can’t remember the last time I saw my friends. Christmas, maybe? They’ve made no effort to connect with me, but to be fair, I haven’t made any attempt either. Time’s gone by fast the last year and has crept along at the same time.
“We got a pitcher of margaritas,” Bella tells us, and pours two glasses and hands one to me. I take a small sip and slide into the booth. “And it’s karaoke tonight. Who’s singing with me?”
“Me! Just let this sink in a bit,” Lisa says and takes a big gulp of her drink, then makes a face from the rush of cold. We all laugh. I slowly nurse my drink just to blend in but don’t want to drink it. An hour passes, and I’m not miserable. I’m talking with my friends, laughing at their jokes, and fully mixing in. It’s almost like I’m having a good time, but this all feels pretend, like I’m just playing along, acting but not feeling.
They go through another pitcher of drinks, and Lisa and Bella get up to sing “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls. I get up to go to the bathroom, and come back to find Rob, Lisa’s on-and-off-again boyfriend sitting close next to her in the booth. He has friends with him too, and overall, they’re all nice guys who grew up in Summer Hill.
“Sierra,” he says, blue eyes widening. “Hey. It’s good to see you out again. I mean, not again. I, uh…” He turns to Lisa, who rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
“Don’t mind him, he’s an idiot.”
I smile. “It’s okay. I know I haven’t been out in a long time. You guys don’t have to sugarcoat it.”
Rob gives me a curt nod. “Good. Hey, you’ve met my friend Talon before, right?”
“Yeah, a few times.” I take my seat, which is subsequently next to Talon. He’s a few years older than me and is an attractive man with dark skin and expressive eyes. “Hi,” I say to him, feeling awkward.
“Hi, Sierra,” he says back, giving me a kind smile. “So, Lisa couldn’t get you to go up and sing?”
“No way. I don’t do singing in public. Or speaking.” I shudder and shake my head.
“I bet you’d be good at it.”
“Not at all.” I reach for my glass and slide it in front of me. I watch a grain of salt fall down the side, stuck in a little bead of condensation. The watermelon margarita is delicious, and getting drunk and crazy with my friends would do me some good. But the last time I drank, it brought out the emotional side of me, and that’s the last thing my friends need to deal with right now. No one wants to claim responsibility of the drunk girl in the bathroom crying about her boyfriend, no matter the circumstances. So I take a small sip and put the glass down, careful not to even let myself get tipsy.
I turn and look at Talon, admiring his muscles and the clean-cut lines of his jaw. He smells good, looks good, and I want to feel something toward him.
But I don’t. I don’t feel anything, and the more I watch my friends enjoy life, the more panicked I feel that something is irreplaceably broken inside of me.
My friends finish off their drinks and grow restless, and decide to move the party to Rob’s house for a bonfire. I decline, saying that I’m going to order food and head home, taking Lisa’s car back to my place.
I used to love barn parties like that, but can’t right now. I can only hold up the front that everything is okay for a little while, and my soul is tired. I’m going to stumble and fall soon, dropping the facade and revealing to everyone that there’s nothing left inside me.
Chapter 4
Chase
I stand in front of the vent feeling cool air blowing in my face. It feels fantastic, and couldn’t have come at a better time since the summer heat index is rising daily. The air conditioner repair guy left only an hour ago, and I turned down the air as cool as it can go in an attempt to get the apartment down to a comfortable temperature. I need to put away everything I ordered online, including bringing the old mattress downstairs.
I don’t want to move away from the air, but I have shit to do and am hanging out with Josh at the bar tonight. I told him I can jump right in and take over, but he insisted on one day to ‘shadow’ him and then another few for training. It’s the proper way to do things, I suppose, and the pace of life is slower here in Summer Hill than what I’m used to.