Tucker choked on a sob. I rushed to him and crouched on my knees, but he moved away from me. “No,” he shouted. “You lied. You’re not my mom.”
Gunner knelt down next to me. “She is your mom. She…”
He stopped and looked at me. I finally returned his gaze, and he mouthed I’m sorry, before continuing to speak to Tucker. “She’s your mom in every way that matters. I swear, bud, she’s your mom.”
“You knew?” Tucker backed up again, only this time there was no one behind him. Tucker looked from me to Colt to Gunner. “I hate you. I hate all of you.”
He angrily swiped at the tears on his face before he spun and took off running down the dirt road. I tried to get up, but I slipped. Gunner reached out to stabilize me, but I shrugged him off and ran after Tucker.
“Tucker,” I shouted on a broken sob. “Tucker!”
I could hear Colt’s and Gunner’s footsteps racing behind me. Normally, they would have outrun me, but as a mother’s adrenaline coursed through me, they wouldn’t catch me and I’d never stop until I caught up to Tucker.
I kept shouting his name, chasing him. He never turned or acted as if he’d heard me. I ran and sobbed, sobbed and ran, all the way to my parents’ house.
He barged in through the front door, which they often left unlocked, and slammed it behind him. By the time I’d made it up the front steps, my mom had stepped out onto the porch. I collapsed into her waiting arms.
“He needs some time,” she whispered to me. “He’s safe. He’s with me. Give him the afternoon, honey. He’ll be home by tonight.”
I didn’t know what he’d said in the seconds before I’d made it here, but she already knew. I cried and clung to her, wrapping my fingers in her shirt. “Tell him I love him.”
It went against every instinct to leave him there while he was hurting but, on a deeper level, I knew I would only make it worse right now. I knew that my beautiful boy was hurting because of me, and that was the worst thing a mother could do.
“Delilah,” Gunner said, placing his hands on my shoulders. I turned around and kissed his cheek without meeting his eyes.
“I need to go home.”
“I’m coming with you.”
I shook my head. “I need to focus on Tucker. I…I need some time.” I stepped around him without explaining further and dodged Colt’s touch. And then I walked home alone.
“Tucker?” I leaped up from the living room sofa when I heard the front door open. Rattler chased his tail before running toward the door.
He stepped through the doorway, staring at me. His eyes were red-rimmed, and his cheeks were crimson. He’d been crying for a long time, and that tore apart my already fractured heart.
“Tucker,” I whispered.
He shook his head and left. I followed him down the hallway and watched him enter his room. I closed my eyes, sinking to the floor, and I heard the lock click into place, leaving Rattler and me on the outside.
“Did you eat?” I asked through the door, holding the tears at bay. “Tucker?” I asked when he didn’t answer.
“Yes.” He said the one word so softly, but it was one word. I hit my head against the wall and wondered if what I was about to do was the right thing. I needed a roadmap or a how-to guide. Something. Anything.
“You don’t have to say anything, bud, but I just want to explain a few things before I let you go to bed.”
I waited and hoped, but nothing happened. I swiped a tear rolling down my cheek and clutched the robe I’d put on as I waited for him to come home.
“If I had one wish or one superpower, I would choose to be your biological mother. And not because I would love you more than I do. It would be impossible to love you more than I already do. You are my heart. My living, breathing, out-of-my-body heart. I love you so much, bud.”
I covered my mouth, choking back the sob that threatened to break free. He didn’t need to hear me break down outside his bedroom door. Rattler lay down with his head on my thigh.
“Shayla, your birth mom, is my cousin. I know at some point you’ll have a lot of questions, and I want to answer all of those for you. She wasn’t able to take care of you, so I did. I was there the minute you were born. I was the first person in the world to hold you. I am your mom. You are my son. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing.”
Where did I even begin? What was appropriate for him to know? Where was that goddamn road map?
“I love you, Tucker. We can talk more tomorrow.”
I sat in silence outside his door for another hour. I could hear him moving around and settling into bed. I didn’t know if it was my imagination or if I could actually hear him through the walls, but I swear I heard his breaths even out as he fell asleep.
My butt was numb by the time I got up and dragged myself all the way down the hallway to my room. I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.
Rattler tugged on the sleeve of my robe. “Stop it,” I said and tried to pull it away. He barked and tugged again.
“Stop. Go to sleep.”
He pulled the sleeve of my robe and I heard it tear. I popped one eye open. “Seriously? You need to go outside. Right now?”
I sat up in bed rubbing my eyes, taking a deep breath that burned, and squinted. What the hell? It was smoky in my room. The air I was taking in was getting harder to breathe. I got out of bed, sliding on my slippers, and walked to the door. I froze and screamed. “Tucker!”
The house was on fire.
Bright orange filled the crack under the doorway. I raced to the door, reached for the handle, and yelped when it burned me. I gathered my robe and opened the door. Flames were licking up the walls and ceiling. The hallway was filled with dark plumes. I raised my arm, blocking my eyes from the brightness and stinging smoke. Embers rained down from the ceiling, burning my exposed skin.
Rattler barked and backed away from the flames, but I had to get to Tucker. The smoke overwhelmed me and the heat felt suffocating. I needed more time. I needed more time. I fell to my knees crumbling under the pressure of the smoke and fire. The flames had gotten to me faster than I’d thought they would. I’d never imagined what a fire would be like, but I don’t think I could’ve concocted this sickening heat even in my wildest imagination.
I crawled along the carpet, coughing. My eyes were watering and everything felt constricting. Rattler was crouched next to me, not leaving my side. His warm body was nuzzled into mine as we crouched low and moved toward Tucker’s room. The hallway floor was singed.
“Tucker!” I tried to yell, but it felt like a hot poker was stuck down my throat. I could barely hear my own voice over the roar of the flames.
I kept crawling, but I was barely making any progress and blackness started to cloud my vision. And each breath was harder than the last. My lungs were going to burst. I was going to go up in flames with the house.
Rattler cried and pulled on my robe again.
“Delilah! Tucker!”
Gunner? I moved forward another inch, lost in the smoke. I didn’t know how far I had gone or how far I had to go. Everything was lost in the thick black plumes.
Suddenly I was swept into the air, and the flames were whipping by us. I couldn’t stop coughing as we made it outside into the cool night. The fresh oxygen felt like a gift and a curse.