I want to refuse. If I can’t fight, I want to pace around the room and get this fury and confusion out. At a minimum, I need that.
But I also need to figure out what the hell happened. I didn’t go into that conversation with Riley thinking it was going to turn into some blow-up fight. I expected it to be a good thing for us both. I need to understand, and maybe River can help with that.
River, for better or worse, is my person, the only one who knows the way my head processes and my heart beats. Arielle knows me too, but not like my best friend. I’ve protected her from so much her whole life, and though she’s grown, I can’t start laying my problems at her feet. So River is it for me.
Resigned, I sit in the damn chair. River’s brow lifts in victory.
Running my fingers through my hair, I sigh. “She called you?”
River nods, his eyes tight and his teeth grinding together. “I was working out when she called. Took me fifteen minutes to figure out what the fuck she was trying to say because she was sobbing so hard. Even then, it barely made any sense. Something about her brand, and sponsors, and you and Life Corp? All I got for sure is that you walked away, left her standing on the sidewalk alone.”
It’s like a kick in the balls, and my head drops as I start nodding.
Walking away . . . the one thing I promised I’d never do because it’s all too familiar.
“Natalie! Get in here,” Dad yells as his palm hits the kitchen table. I can’t see him from the living room, but I know that thundering boom of anger in his voice and recognize the hollow sound the cheap table makes as it bounces on the tile floor.
And Mom’s rushing footsteps? All too familiar.
I know what’s coming. We all do—the yelling and screaming, the tears and pleas for understanding.
I gather up Arielle and a couple of toys. “Come on, it’s a pretty day. Let’s go out front and play.”
“I don’t want to go outside. I’m hungry,” Arielle whines.
I look to the kitchen, knowing that there is nothing in this world that could make me go in there right now. I grab a tiny bag of trail mix from my school backpack instead, glad I didn’t eat it yesterday. “Here, you can eat this outside. And if you want, we can sneak the squirrels a few peanuts.” It’s the only hope I have of getting her out happily.
Arielle accepts the snack and dutifully follows me to the yard. I close the door as quietly as I can, blocking the noise of the fight from Arielle and the neighbors. But I listen. I have to so that I can protect Arielle and Mom if it comes to that.
A few minutes later, I hear what I’ve been waiting for.
“I’m out of here,” Dad shouts.
The garage door whirs open, Dad’s car backing out almost before it’s up all the way. With a clank of a shifter and a screech of tires, he roars down the street.
I take a deep breath, knowing we’re safe for the night.
The memory rocks me, and before I know it, hot, bitter tears are trickling down my cheeks.
“Walked away,” I repeat River’s words. “That’s the one thing I said I’d never do. I swore I’d never be like him.”
“Your dad?” River says, catching up with my mental trip down memory lane.
I nod. “When he left, I was glad. I was relieved. He’d been this huge presence, sucking all the life out of our family. It was hard financially after he was gone. We struggled for food, to keep a roof over our heads. But for the first time, I wasn’t scared.”
Admitting the fear I held inside as a child is hard, even all these years later. I let out a shuddering breath, wiping the tears away and willing them to stop. I won’t cry over him. I didn’t then, and I certainly won’t now.
“Are you scared now?” River asks quietly.
“Fucking terrified. I don’t want to be like him, walking out when things get hard. And I damn sure don’t want people—don’t want Riley—to be glad when I walk away.”
River gets up, coming over to sit on the coffee table in front of me. With his knees spread wide and his elbows resting on his thighs, he looks me directly in the eyes.
“The last fucking thing Riley felt when you walked away was glad, or relief, or any of that shit. You’re not him. I don’t even know the fucker and I know that.” River’s reassurance seals over a fracture in my soul. If the person who has known me the longest and knows me best thinks I’m redeemable, there must be some shred of truth to it.
“Thanks, man,” I say, swallowing thickly.
River dips his chin. “Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way, how about you tell me what the fight was about? Because I still don’t know, and I need to decide whether I’m going to kick your ass or not.” Even as he threatens me, I can see the hint of a smile ghosting across his lips.
I lean back in the chair, staring at the ceiling and replaying everything in my mind. “Honestly, I have no idea,” I say, resigned that whatever it is, it’s my fault.
“Start at the beginning.”
I look at him directly. “I love her. That’s the most important part. And loving Riley comes with . . . sunshine and Sunshine, if you know what I mean.” I do Riley’s cute little salute with my fingers below my chin, and River nods in understanding. “We went public on her page, which I get is a big fucking deal for her. It’s a big fucking deal to me too. People see that stuff, lots of people. People I didn’t even think about . . .”
“Like who?” River prompts, rolling his hand at the wrist in a ‘come on, out with it’ move.
“Elisa. She called me to her office today. It was a weird conversation, but basically, she knows that Riley and I met through BlindDate. And she had a proposal. Elisa wants to sponsor Riley, have her promote BlindDate using our story. We’d all benefit—Riley from the sponsorship, which would make things easier financially, BlindDate from the exposure and proof of concept, and even our members because they’d have hope,” I explain.
“And you agreed to it?” River asks. “Without talking to Riley?”
“Of course not!” I exclaim. “I know I’ve got a reputation for being an asshole, but I’m not stupid. I told Lady Elisa I’d make the offer to Riley. That’s it.”
River looks a little relieved that his best friend isn’t a complete moron. “Okay . . . and then what?”
I shrug. This is where it gets confusing. “I told Riley about it.” I pause, still trying to figure out how things went so wrong. I sit forward, hoping River can tell me. “Okay, so I tell her Elisa wants to be a sponsor, have Riley Sunshine share how we met. The way she shares everything. And at first, Riley said she didn’t want to partner with Life Corp, that she’d be a little fish in a big pond and her whole reputation would be based on BlindDate. She said she didn’t want to be used that way.”
River winces, shaking his head. “Ouch.”
“I know, but then I said that she used me for her Riley Sunshine page.”
River’s eyes go wide, and he laughs bitterly. “Damn, man. When you fuck shit up, you do it right.”
“Yeah, and then things got worse,” I say wryly. “What it boils down to is . . . she doesn’t want to be seen as some lonely, desperate loser who has to use a dating app. You know, like the app I poured my heart into designing. I told her that if BlindDate’s not good enough for Riley Sunshine, maybe I’m not good enough for Riley Watson.”