“Don’t yell at him, he brought goodies,” Emory says. Wrapped up in a robe, she sits next to me and takes two brownies off the plate. “Oh, they’re still warm. Hey Knox, grab us some milk.” Emory takes a giant bite and moans before taking one more.
“Double fisting. Nice,” I say to her as she reaches for one more. “Hey, they’re not going anywhere.” I laugh as she whips her head toward me and stares venomously.
Jesus.
What’s with women today?
“I can take as many as I want,” she hisses.
I put my hands up, one clutching a brownie. “I’m not going to stop you, so by all means, eat the whole plate.”
Knox brings over three glasses of milk and says, “She’s been temperamental all day. She threw an empty can of peanuts at me this morning because she was mad they were all gone.”
“Who puts the empty can back in the pantry? Get rid of it, don’t trick a hungry person looking for peanuts into thinking there are still peanuts left,” she says, her voice growing angrier. “There were NO PEANUTS left, Knox. No goddamn peanuts!”
Ehhh . . .
I scoot a few inches away, feeling the boiling heat popping off Emory, afraid she might lash out on me over the lack of peanuts.
“Um, I have some peanuts over at my place, if you want some.”
“You do, do you? Aren’t you super helpful? Especially since I wanted them at six this morning. How do you think your peanuts are going to help me now? Huh, Jason? How the hell are they supposed to HELP ME NOW?” She rips into a brownie and chomps at me, snapping her teeth like a motherfucking lobster coming at me with its claws. Brownie seeps into the cracks of her teeth as she snarls and I swear to Christ himself, if I lose my face skin over peanuts, I’m going to be super pissed.
Just when she leans in closer, teeth bared and brownies held tightly in her clutches, the doorbell rings.
Knox hops to his feet. “That would be the test.”
“The test?” I ask, scooting farther away.
Knox answers the door, thanks the concierge, and then shuts the door. He thrusts a brown bag at Emory and points down the hall. “Go. Now.”
She stands tall, brownies still in one hand. “Don’t you dare talk to me like that.”
“I’ll talk to you however I please, woman. Now go to the bathroom and tell me if there is a demon growing inside you or not.”
Demon? Inside her?
“If there is, it’s yours, which means this is all your fault. All of this.” She motions up and down her body. “If anything is sadistic in this house”—she pats Knox’s junk, causing him to buckle over—“it’s your sperm.”
Ahhh . . . She’s pregnant. I don’t need to see the results of that test to know. Emory is the coolest, sweetest girl I know, but right now, she looks like she’s two seconds away from morphing in an ogre and shitting on everyone’s dinner with a giant green plop.
After she stomps down the hallway, I ask, “Uh, maybe I should go. This seems like a private matter.”
Knox shakes his head. “No, you have to stay now because I’m afraid what will happen if the test is positive. I’m not sure if she’ll be happy or ready to rip my balls off and stuff them down my throat.”
“Valid concern.” I look down the hallway where Emory disappeared. “She was straight-up terrifying back there.”
“Tell me about it. She’s been like that for the last week. I have no idea what to do. One minute she’s laughing, then she’s crying, and then she’s laughing again . . . between sobs. Dude, it’s some freaky shit.”
“Yeah, she sounds pregnant. Are you excited?”
“I mean”—he scratches the back of his head—“it’s a little out of order than how I would want things to go, but yeah, I’m excited. I want babies with Emory, I just hope she’s okay with it.”
“I’m sure she will be. She would be an awesome mom and you would be a subpar dad.”
“Wow, thanks.”
We both laugh and I adjust myself on the couch, turning more toward Knox. “So, I uh . . . went to see Dottie at her office today.”
“Jesus, fuck. Why?” Knox groans, slouching.
“Because, I owed her a date and if anything, I keep my word. I took her food.”
“How did she react to seeing you? Did she mention me?”
“Umm.” I look away. “You know, she might have mentioned your name.”
“Jason. Fucking hell, man.”
“Before you start throwing up everywhere—”
“Why would I throw up?”
I shrug. “Nerves?” Knox rolls his eyes so I continue. “I told her you didn’t tell me anything, that you wouldn’t. I blamed it all on Carson.”
That makes Knox chuckle. “Okay, I can get on board with that. So what did she say? Was she into the date?”
“Well, at first, she threatened security on me, but I coerced my way into her office along with food and quite the spread of dinnerware. I set up our food and we ate . . . in silence.”
“Oh fuck.” He chuckles. “She silenced you?”
“Yup.” Shifting, I get closer. “Have you ever seen her eat before?” I bring my hand up to my mouth and impersonate her rather robust way of eating, going to town on my hand. Knox throws his head back and laughs while shaking it yes.
“Oh shit, yes. When she’s into something she’s eating, it’s like she can’t focus on anything else. It’s a sight to behold.”
“You could say that,” I say, draping my arm over the couch. “Frankly, I was impressed, and maybe a little turned on. If she can eat a burger like that, how good would she eat my dick?”
Knox punches my side. He does it so fast I have no way of protecting myself.
“Dude,” I moan, falling into the couch. “What the hell was that for?”
“Don’t talk about Emory’s friends eating dick. Jesus, man.”
“Touchy,” I grunt out.
“Get back to what happened. She ate her burger and then what?”
“Like I said, it was kind of a turn-on, seeing her devour her meat like that. Oh fuck, and she made this offhand comment about being able to handle any meat that comes her way. I got hard immediately.”
“You’re so fucking horny.”
“It’s been a while, so don’t dick shame me.” I take a bite of my brownie, letting the chocolate soothe my aching loins. It’s been a loooong time since I’ve been in the presence of a naked woman and even though she was a snarly beast of a woman, there was something about Dottie that piqued my interest. Until she sent me on my way.
“Just get on with it.”
“After we were finished eating, I tried to strike up a conversation, but I probably took the wrong approach by commenting on how she downed her burger.”
Knox winces. “Not smart.”
“Yeah, I realize that now, but before I knew it, I was being dragged out of her office by security.”
“Oh fuck, seriously?” Knox laughs.
“Yup, arm in arm, dragged right out of there. But don’t worry, by the time we made it to the lobby, I was best friends with the guys.”