“I was going to tell you this week. Been waiting to gain the courage.”
Our fingers twine together. “So, tell me then.”
He pushes his hand through his hair then pulls on the back of his neck before tilting his head in my direction. His beautiful blue eyes connect with mine, eyes that have pulled me into some of the happiest moments I’ve had. But now, I look into those eyes as a blow is about to be delivered that I’m not sure I can come back from.
“At the beginning of the school year, I thought I’d enter the draft after I graduated, but I spoke with Coach, and he said I’d be killing my career before it started if I didn’t enter the draft after this year. There are teams ready to make an offer, and they’re just waiting.” He’s known since the beginning of the school year?
This should be exciting for him, to talk about his career right before it booms into something amazing, but instead his voice is somber. I hate that.
I lift his chin and smile at him. “Knox, that is so freaking amazing. You should be proud of yourself.”
“I am,” he sighs. “But I know it will put a strain on what we have going on.”
I press my hand to his cheek. “You don’t have to worry about me, Knox. Focus on your season and what’s to come.”
And I mean that wholeheartedly. There’s no doubt in my mind that I love this man; he’s resurrected my heart from the ruins Neil left behind, and because of that, I want him to be happy, to do what he’s meant to do—play baseball.
Even if that means I’m out of the picture.
“But I am worried about you, Em. This . . . Christ.” He stands from the bed and starts pacing. His steps are almost frantic, unsure which way to go. “I wasn’t planning on this, getting involved with someone. Coach Disik thought I was a dumbass for starting something up with you, but I couldn’t stop myself.” He looks up, his eyes connecting with mine like an arrow straight to my heart. “That first day, Em, when I caught your map with my face and peeled it back, revealing your stunning features, my heart hitched in my chest.” Tears begin to well in my eyes. “And then you opened your mouth. Your wit knocked me on my ass, and I knew I had to be around you, to make you a part of my life. It was stupid to pursue you, knowing I was leaving after the end of this semester, but I wouldn’t change a thing about it. Not one damn thing.”
“I wouldn’t either,” I admit, even though my heart is slowly crumbling in my chest, the dread of what’s to come hovering above us.
“So, then let’s make this work, Em.” Excitement brews inside him as he comes back to the bed. “I know it’s going to be hard but—”
“I think you should focus on your future, Knox.”
His face falls. “Em, that includes you.”
I shake my head, a tear falling down my cheek that he quickly wipes away. “You and I both know how hard that would be. I have at least three more years here until I finish my master’s. Who knows where you’re going to end up. The season is long with not much break between.”
“But you have the summer off. You can come visit.”
“I have to work during the summer, Knox. And I don’t have the money to fly around wherever you are.”
“I’ll pay for it.”
I give him a get real look. “If you think you’re going to be flying your girlfriend around the country on a minor league player’s income, you’re delusional.”
He grips the back of his head angrily and stands again, both elbows pointed out, his shirt riding high on his waistband. “Then what the hell are you saying, Emory?”
Pained and frustrated, my name doesn’t sound beautiful falling off his tongue, not this time. It feels like he used it as a punishment rather than a term of endearment.
Knowing this is going to be one of the most heartbreaking things I ever do, I swallow hard and pour my heart out, ready for it to be sliced. “I’m saying this is going to be too hard. You’re going to be working your ass off on and off the field, preparing for the next chapter in your life. Moments spent together will become few and far between and then you’re going to leave. We don’t even know where.”
“It could be Chicago.”
“It could be, but their farm teams are scattered around in different states, so that still doesn’t work. I want nothing more than to be with you, Knox, to come home to your arms every night, but in reality, that’s not what’s going to happen. We’re both on two different paths in our lives, and I don’t want to try to make this work when we both know deep down, it won’t.”
“You don’t know that.” His voice rises. “Why am I the only one here committed to us?”
“I’m committed,” I answer, feeling like I was just slapped in the face.
“You’re not committed, Em. You’re throwing in the towel at the first sign of things getting difficult. Does Christmas break not mean anything to you? We were separated for a month and we made that work. How is this any different?”
“Because there was an end date. I knew I was going to see you again in January, when school came back. And I’m sorry if you thought Christmas break was a walk in the park, but it wasn’t for me. I missed you. Terribly. To the point that I would cry at night, wishing I was in your arms rather than a cold, lonely bed.” His face softens. “It wasn’t easy for me. None of this has been easy for me. You’re . . . you. Amazing, obnoxious, consuming you. I get lost in you, Knox. You’ve become one of my best friends, and I love sharing the good and bad days with you. I love giving you shit, because you give it right back. When I’m around you . . .” All I want to do is bury my head in your chest and let you hold me for hours on end. “When I’m with you, I know who I am. I like who I am.”
“Then why the fuck are you trying to end this?” he yells, arms out to the side. “Stay committed to me, Em.” His hand raps his chest. “Make this work.”
“I am committed to you.” I wipe away another tear, my breath starting to become heavier and heavier as my throat closes. “I’m committed to seeing you happy.”
“You want me to be happy? Well guess what, Em, you are what makes me happy. You. And you’re taking that away.”
Oh God. I suck in a breath and will my shaky limbs to hold strong. I want nothing more than to erase this day and go back to how things were—without the knowledge that Knox will be leaving—but I can’t do that, nor can I hold him back either.
“Is this because you don’t trust me to be out on the road? You don’t trust that I won’t hook up with someone else? I told you, I’m not your fucking ex-boyfriend. I would never treat you the way he did. Ever.”
“That’s not it. I trust you, how can you question that?”
“I don’t know,” he answers angrily, still pacing. “Fuck, I don’t know why we’re having this conversation. We should be out to dinner with my mom, celebrating the win, but instead, my fucking girlfriend is breaking up with me.” He sinks into the chair of my desk and rests his forearms on his knees, completely deflated.
I don’t know what to do. How to fix this, how to make him see what I see. After watching him play today, his future is going to be incredible, and I refuse to be the reason he doesn’t give it his all. This is all for him. Yes, I’m shattering my own heart. Yes, I feel like I’m breaking into a million pieces. I’m barely strong enough to lose him now, so I know I’ll never recover if I grow closer through experiencing even more amazing moments with this incredible man. I just can’t. And I don’t want him feeling torn and undecided because of me. That’s not fair to him.