“Are you sure this isn’t too much?” I asked, already feeling like I was taking advantage.
“It’s only a few days a week, Pierce.” Why the hell did I love hearing her say my name so damn much? “It’s totally fine. Just as long as you don’t start working late all the time.” She’d said it in a teasing manner, but I knew what her sister was dealing with, so I caught the underlying warning in her words. She wouldn’t put up with me taking advantage or neglecting my son by staying at the office until all hours of the night, and I had absolutely no intention of becoming that dad.
“You have my word; I won’t abuse your kindness.” She looked over at me with a smile that I felt in my gut, and the first thought that entered my head was that Frank really was the world’s biggest fucking idiot.
“Oh! And also as long as you don’t expect me to cook.” She pulled a face that had me releasing a full-blown laugh. It sounded harsh and gravelly to my ears, like I’d been out of practice when it came to laughing. I hadn’t realized until very recently that I had.
“I’d beg you not to. I kind of like my son happy and heathy, and I’d like to keep him that way.”
She narrowed her eyes in a playful glare. “Oh, like you’re any better.”
“I’m not, which is why I’ll always leave cash on the island for you guys to order something if it looks like you’ll be here through dinner.”
“Perfect. Then it looks like we’re set.”
She hopped off the stool with the kind of grace I could only assume came from her being a dancer. I wondered what she looked like when she performed. I had no doubt she left the audience in awe.
Pushing the crestfallen feeling at the thought of her leaving to the very back of my mind, I shoved it beneath the steel trap door and locked it away as I walked her to the front door. She bent, giving me another view of that lush round ass of hers as she petted Titan’s big head.
When she stood back up, she looked to the stairs and called out, “Good night, Eli! I’ll see you tomorrow!”
“Bye, Ms. Marin!” my son returned at a decibel much louder than necessary.
I chuckled and gave my head a shake; her smiling eyes returned to me as she bounced on the balls of her feet, always moving or dancing, never standing still. I was quickly starting to really enjoy that about her. “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
“Yes, you will. Have a good night, Marin.”
“You too, Pierce. And do me a favor, will you?”
I crossed my arms and leaned my shoulder against the doorframe as she started to back away onto my front porch. “What’s that?”
“Try to cut yourself some slack, yeah? From where I’m standing, you’re doing pretty damn good at this parenting gig.”
I was momentarily frozen in surprise, but even if I had been able to muster up a thank you for those words, it wouldn’t have mattered. Before I could get anything out, she was spinning around and skipping down my front walk, throwing a wave over her shoulder.
I waited until she was safely in her car and backing out of my driveway before turning and heading up the stairs to hustle my son into the shower. I lay propped against his headboard with my laptop resting on my lap, reading through some documents while I waited for him to finish up, and promptly closed it when I heard the water shut off.
He came back into his room dressed in his little PJs. Like he did every night, he grabbed a book off of his shelf and climbed up to join me on the bed, his knees and elbows slamming into my gut as he threw himself over me to the other side.
“God, you’re getting big, kiddo,” I groaned, rubbing dramatically at my stomach. “Before I know it, you’re going to be bigger than me.”
He beamed up at me proudly, and I was hit in the chest with a warmth that spread out, radiating through my limbs down into my toes and fingers. It was the warmth that came with the complete and utter contentment I only ever felt with my son.
I read through the book he chose twice, lowering my voice as his eyes became heavy with sleep. When I thought he was out, I slowly closed the book and carefully extracted myself from his hold so I could ease out of the bed without disturbing him.
“Daddy?” he called in a sleepy voice as I bent to place a kiss on his forehead. “I really like Ms. Marin. She’s funny.”
I brushed his hair back away from his face, silently wishing that he’d stay little forever while knowing I’d never be that lucky. “Yeah, bud. She is.”
“And she’s real pretty.”
I chuckled, thinking my son had pretty damn good taste. “Yeah, she is. Now go to sleep.”
His eyelids fluttered open, a tell that he was fighting sleep to get out what he wanted to say. “Do you think, if I’m real good and mind my manners, that maybe she’d wanna be my mom?”
At that questions, it felt like someone had just reached into my chest and squeezed my lungs, ringing all the oxygen right out of them. I couldn’t seem to pull in enough air. Collapsing on the edge of his bed, I turned my body to face him better, my words coming out in a croak as I asked, “What brought that question on, bud?”
“Randy Griffin has a mom who brought cupcakes for our class when we had that Valentine’s party. And Gracie Pearson’s mom comes in for story time. All my friends have moms and I think I kinda want one too. And if I had a mom, maybe she’d be able to take care of you too.”
“Eli, you have a mom,” I said quietly, taking his hand in mine. “Remember? We talked about this. She might not be here, but she’s always watching out for you.”
“I know my mom’s up in heaven, but do you think I can have one that’s down here with me and you one day?”
I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to say to that. There was no right answer. He wanted a mom, but the only way to give him a version of that was for me to do something I had no intention of ever doing again. I’d never get serious with another woman after Constance. Not ever.
“I don’t know, son. Maybe one day.” It was weak, and I wished I could have given him something better, but those were the only words I could make myself force out.
“Okay. Night, Daddy. I love you.”
I leaned in and pressed another kiss to his forehead, pulling his smell deep into my lungs. “I love you too, buddy. All the way to the farthest darkest star in the galaxy and back.”
That was something Constance used to say as she caressed her belly while she was pregnant with Eli, and again for the few short months she’d been alive after he was born.
I waited until his breathing evened out and his limbs grew heavy with sleep before standing from the bed and heading out of his room.
As I climbed into bed later that night, Marin’s words played over in my head.
“Try to cut yourself some slack, yeah? From where I’m standing, you’re doing pretty damn good at this parenting gig.”
I might not be able to give him another mom, but I could do everything in my power to be the best father I could be.
And as surprising as it was, considering the bomb my son had dropped on me earlier, somehow, when I fell asleep later that night, I did it with a smile.
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