We make it a few more paces before he stops.
“You know, it’s not like I thought we were going to get married, at least the sane part of my brain didn’t. I knew she’d move on. She’s too gorgeous and perfect and brilliant not to. It’s just that . . . the guy . . . His name is Connor. Connor Rhee. He’s Korean, like her.”
He takes off the glasses. His eyes don’t settle on me. They dart through the crowd. “You think maybe if I were Korean, we’d still be together?”
Inside, I wince and think, You’re kidding, right? Outside, I don’t let my expression change. I want to tell him that his possessive behavior was probably the reason she broke it off and that it has nothing to do with what they look like or where their parents came from. I don’t. I can’t hurt him. Instead I say, “I think it probably isn’t about that.”
He lets out a sigh. He takes back my arm and starts walking again.
We stop in front of a Salvation Army. It’s filled with funky old furniture, hats men used to wear in the fifties, and racks and racks of army-olive and camo clothes.
Merrit gestures to the window. “Come on. I need a purple jumpsuit to match my new shades.” The teasing in his voice soothes the ache in my chest. He’s not going to get wrapped up in Samantha. He’s not going to let it strangle him again. I squeeze his arm and follow him in.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16
ALEX
“You sure she’s gonna be there?” Bryan scratches at his neck.
“Por Dios! Yes!” Kiara presses her face into her sleeve. Even on her toes, she can barely reach the bar.
Bryan takes his cap off. He ducks to Kiara’s level. “What exactly did she say?”
Kiara’s head tips back. “¡Qué no!” She palms his face just as the train brakes. Bryan grabs hold of a guy’s jacket before he hits the floor. Bryan lifts a hand in apology to the guy while Kiara rips it up, laughing.
I haven’t seen Bryan much since the season ended. He’s been with Julissa and I’ve been training extra. Papi got me a job at the Baseball Institute. He wants me in top shape for summer travel ball. I can use the BI facilities whenever I want, long as there’s no class or party booked. Every day after school, if I’m not going to Papi’s, I’m going there. It’s the Saturday before Christmas and I already worked two birthdays, one for a bunch of six-year-olds. I planned to stay home after, work on a paper, and see Mami since I’m going to Papi’s tomorrow. Then Bryan texts me Julissa’s cousin’s having a party. I told him I’d had enough of parties for the day. Figured he deserved it for disappearing on me all these weeks. Said I’d go only if Danny was coming too. Bryan and I, we need to talk with Danny about the company he’s been keeping. Bryan texted sure, he’d take care of it. So here I am. But there’s no Danny. There’s no Julissa either. She sent Kiara instead.
Bryan’s glaring at Kiara. “I don’t get it. Why’d she go ahead without me?”
Kiara rolls her eyes. “No puedo.” She twists to me. “Tell me a story, something interesting, so I don’t have to listen to your annoying friend.” Her voice is low, like there’s a secret between us.
I shift back. Only, I hit against a backpack. Kiara watches me without blinking. What am I going to tell her? That a first-grader at the party dropped his cake and started howling? That the new setting on the pitching machine is bien chévere? Nothing interesting has happened to me since . . . since Thanksgiving. And I’m not telling her about that. I’m also not telling her about the Neruda book I got from the library even though it’s chévere too.
Bryan tugs Kiara’s jacket. “Julissa told you I treat her well, right?” His forehead is scrunched. He wouldn’t be so worried if he hadn’t done something.
I knock him on the shoulder. “Loco, what did you do?”
“¡Nada!” He flings out his arms. His mouth opens and closes like a fish trying to breathe air. Bryan totally did something. He wouldn’t be denying it so hard if he hadn’t.
Bryan glances at Kiara. “She see me with Franny the other day? ’Cause you know, we was only talking.” The train screeches like keys over a car door.
“¡Eso!” I turn my face so Bryan doesn’t see me laughing. That boy knows better. Bryan’s had eyes for Julissa since the sixth grade. For him, it’s always been Julissa. But whenever they break up, which is a couple times a year, she runs to some other guy. I told Bryan to relax. She probably does it to make him jealous. She always goes back to him. But Bryan thinks he’s got to go out and show everyone he don’t care that Julissa’s not with him. He only ends up making it worse.
“‘Pérate.” Kiara holds up a finger. “You spoke to that bitch?”
“Julissa doesn’t know, ¿veldad?” Bryan goes to grab Kiara’s hand, only she won’t let him.
People are piling on the train. I look away to hide another chuckle. That’s when I see her. At the other end of the subway car, beyond a row of seats crammed with folks, is Isa. My heartbeat catches like a flooded engine. She’s crowded against the door like I am, back to the window, long hair pulled up off her neck. She must have just gotten on. If she turns her head, she’ll see me.
My hand passes over my coat pocket that hides Neruda’s words. Would she know I think of her when I read those poems? Would she see it on my face?
People are gathered round her. That girl Chrissy is talking with her whole body, her hair an angry flare of red. She’s got one hand on Isa and one on the guy with tiny glasses. Guess the glasses weren’t part of a costume. An Asian girl with a green ski hat sticks her head close to Chrissy’s, arguing back. A girl with streaks of purple in her hair grips Ski Hat Girl’s coat. Isa lifts a hand to her mouth. Her face lights up with laughter. I wish I were closer. I wish I could hear what she said.
They all start laughing. Chrissy doubles over. The girl with the ski hat turns to the one with the dyed purple hair and kisses her. Isa’s wiping at her eyes. The doors open. She flattens herself against the pole to make room for folks to exit. But still, she’s pushed out onto the platform.
I’ve been resisting the shoves from people getting off. Now I give in to them. I step out onto the platform too.
Isa sees me even though there’s another subway door spewing people between us. The leftover smile from her laugh freezes. Then it bursts wide open.
The door close signal clangs, though there’s still a lot of people getting on. There’s no time for me to make my way to her. We push back through our own doors. I find my spot next to the rail.
Isa’s watching me. She tilts her head, like she’s trying to say hi. Chrissy grabs her hand.
I want Isa to come over. I want her to say hi for real.
“You know she’s going to dump your ass once she finds out, right?” Kiara takes my arm. “Can you believe what your friend here went and did?”
I lift a shoulder. I’m not getting into this. Isa’s talking to Chrissy but her gaze lifts to mine. Her lips spread into another mega smile. I must be a mirror because I smile too.
I could go to her. I don’t care that it’s crowded. But why hasn’t Isa come to me? She could wave. Do something more to acknowledge me. A chill blots out the heat in my chest. Maybe she doesn’t want to. Not in front of her friends. Not when I have my friends. Not when it isn’t part of some game.