My muscles relaxed as soon as they hit the water, the stress of the past weeks disappearing into the aqua.
“God, that feels good,” I mumbled as I rested my head against the tiles.
The memory of the last time I had been here flashed through my mind.
I’m ready to test my hypothesis, I had said, and then Konstantin had brought me indescribable pleasure. I could still feel his mouth between my legs, his hands pinning down my thighs, my fingers twisting in his hair. My blood heated as I recalled the whispers, the pain, the desire–
“This is the best place to relax,” Roksana replied to my previous statement. She had no idea where my mind had gone. “Evva’s too little and Danika would much rather be downstairs.” Where she could interrogate Konstantin’s enemies.
“It’s nice.” No longer did I feel relaxed. Instead, my entire body had tightened in lust.
Konstantin’s alluring voice filled my mind. Patience, lyubimaya, good things take time.
“Are you okay, Elena?” Roksana asked. “You look…unwell.”
My Elena, are you okay?
I closed my eyes to hide the swirling emotions inside of me. “I’m…fine.”
She laughed, not cruelly, just like she knew I was lying. “Do you want to scream?”
The question was asked with such casualness that I opened my eyes and turned to her. Roksana floated a few feet away from me, cheeks flushed from the warmth. The humidity curled her hair, making her look younger than she was.
“Scream here?” I glanced at the other patrons. “Someone might ring the cops. Or worse, Konstantin.”
Roksana giggled. “Not if you go underwater.” She dipped lower so her chin rested on the top of the water. “It’s therapeutic. Trust me.”
I eyed her. “Do you scream a lot?”
“I’m screaming all the time, Elena.” The grey of her eyes darkened like storm clouds. “Just not out loud.”
I stared at a few more seconds before stepping away from the side. She watched as I bent my knees and lowered myself into the water.
Hot water covered me as I sunk, water and muted sounds surrounding me. I could make out Roksana’s white legs in the blue darkness but nothing more.
Scream, her voice beckoned.
Scream.
I opened my mouth and screamed. I screamed for my broken heart and for Konstantin and for Nikolai. I screamed for Tatiana and her evilness and her sadness. I screamed for Dmitri’s daughter. I screamed for my past sacrifices and future sacrifices. I screamed for the day Nikolai and I would have to leave again. For my family, for my degree, for my mind.
I screamed for who I had been as a child, how my mother had failed not only herself but me. I screamed for my crime of patricide and screamed for my second attempt at murder. I kept going and going until everything I was, and everything I would be was floating in the water around me, slowly being drained.
When I broke the surface, my stress did not come back up with me. My anger and grief did not rise with me. My skin was clear, ready to be written upon once more.
I had made a decision. I could feel it dropping inside of me, nestling between my ribcage and heart.
Roksana soothingly rubbed by back as I choked on water and sobs.
“It’s okay,” she murmured. “Get it all out, get it all out.”
~~~
Fields stretched out before me as Roksana and I arrived at the stables. The luxurious land was well-kept and cared for, despite December trying to swallow all life beneath its frost. All the horses were in their boxes, enjoying the warmth the building provided. A few of Konstantin’s men watched me but none approached.
We found the children inside with Artyom. Nikolai had his hand held out, apple in palm, and was presenting it to Odessa like a little prince. Evva was beside him but was not so forthcoming with her treat, clutching the apple to her chest protectively.
“Hi, baby. Have you been good for Artyom?”
Nikolai turned to me, eyes bright. “Mama! Look! Look!” Odessa tried to get the apple from him, but he stepped back to show it to me. He squeaked when he saw how close she had gotten, more delighted than afraid. “Silly Dessa!”
“I think she wants your apple.” I crouched down beside him. “Hold out your palm. Or else she might get you with her teeth.”
Niko held out his hand and Odessa scooped the apple from his palm. His laughter filled the room. “She likes the apple!”
“She does.” I smoothed down his hair. “Were you good for Artyom?”
Artyom had picked Evva up and was encouraging her to feed Odessa. The little girl did not look convinced, even with her mother’s support. “He was great,” Artyom answered my question. “Him and Evva have been feeding the horses.”
“Dessa has baby horse,” Nikolai told me.
“Odessa has a baby?” I peered over the side of the stable but didn’t see anything.
“In her belly,” Nikolai added.
I laughed. “Odessa’s pregnant? How exciting.” I tickled his belly. Nikolai pushed my hand away, giggling. “You used to be in my belly.”
“Like Dessa’s baby horse?”
“Just like Odessa’s foal,” I agreed, giving him another belly scratch.
Above us, Evva was refusing to feed Odessa. Tears welled in her eyes but didn’t fall. Artyom tossed the apple to Odessa, all his attention on his daughter.
“It’s okay, my darling.” Artyom kissed her head. “Odessa’s just hungry. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
Roksana rubbed her back. “Did you have a fright, sweetheart?”
Evva reached out for her mother, and Artyom passed the toddler to his wife. “You want to go to Mama?” Once she was in her mother’s arms, Artyom tickled her feet, sending Evva into a string of giggles.
“No, Daddy!” she laughed.
“Is Daddy tickling you?” Roksana asked, joining in her daughter’s joy.
Evva wiggled in her mother’s arms, trying to dodge her father as he went to tickle her feet again.
I watched the three of them with a tight chest. Roksana and Artyom shared amused looks over the top of their daughter’s head, sharing in the happiness of their creation. A little trio banded together by love and blood.
Envy.
The word felt like a brick to the back of the head.
I looked to Nikolai. He was holding a second apple out to Odessa, too interested in the horses to notice his mother’s straying attention.
“Are you okay to do that yourself?” As soon as the question was out of my mouth, Odessa grabbed the apple from Niko, sending him into a string of giggles. I don’t even know why I had asked; my boy wasn’t afraid of anything.
I smoothed down his blond locks.
“We’re going to take Evva back to the hous,” Artyom told me. “She’s due for a nap.”
I was slightly jealous. Niko had never been a napper.
Niko’s face fell. “I don’t wanna go.”
“We can stay here for a bit longer, my wild boy.” His grinned widened. I tapped his nose. “What do you say to Artyom for looking after you?”
“Thank you.” He exaggerated the word, earning a warning look from me.
Artyom and Roksana left with their daughter, who had already fallen asleep on her mother’s shoulder.