I twisted the stem of my glass between my fingers. “Thank you for tonight.”
“I should be thanking you for helping me wrangle those two hooligans.”
I stared down at my wine, the glow of the fire making the swirling liquid almost amber. “I never really had that. The whole slumber-party experience.”
Caelyn’s expression grew serious. “Why not?”
“Having Michael for a brother wasn’t exactly conducive to friendships. After a while, everyone just stopped inviting me anywhere.”
“I’m so sorry, Shay. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.”
I shook my head. “That’s not why I said it; for you to feel bad. It’s just—this, tonight, it was really nice to have a taste of normal.”
Caelyn smiled. “You’re welcome here anytime. The girls love you.”
“The feeling’s mutual.” I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d soon be making a home on Anchor instead of Harbor. If things didn’t work out with Brody, I couldn’t stay. He’d offer, of course, but I couldn’t watch as he moved on while I stayed frozen in place.
“Your eyes are really sad right now. Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
Caelyn’s tone was just like her—gentle and comforting all at once. Just the sound of it had me fighting tears. “I’m not sure Brody and I are going to make it.”
Caelyn twisted in her chair so she was facing me fully. “Why not? You guys seemed so happy the last time I saw you.”
Tears burned the backs of my eyes. “He’s used to this big, full life. Art openings and travel. Fancy restaurants and concerts. I just want to stay here. I need to.”
“He wanted you to go with him to Seattle,” she guessed.
I nodded. “But I can’t. I thought about changing my mind, forcing myself to go. But the second I thought about it, everything in me froze. I just…” I wasn’t even sure how to finish the thought.
“You’re not ready yet.”
I looked up at Caelyn. “I’m not sure I ever will be.”
She reached out and squeezed my arm. “You will. One day. I have complete faith in that. But Brody shouldn’t be pushing you to do something you’re not comfortable with. I saw how hard it was for you to take all the steps you have over the past few months. Letting new friends into your world, playing at The Catch, spending more time on Anchor. Those are all huge strides. You need to give yourself some credit.”
I traced a circular design on the arm of my chair. “But I don’t know if it’s enough. I don’t want to hold Brody back—”
“You aren’t. You didn’t tell him he couldn’t go to Seattle, did you?”
“Of course not.”
Caelyn set her wine down on the side of her chair. “Then he is free to do what fills up his bucket, just like you can.”
“I’m not sure it’s that simple.” Of course, Brody would want someone who could go with him to all those events. It was only natural, and I couldn’t blame him for it.
“Do you love him?” she asked.
I met Caelyn’s gaze dead on. “More than I thought possible.”
“Does he love you?”
I thought about all the ways Brody had shown me just that. Not only with his words but also with his body, his actions, his every move. “He does.”
Caelyn gave me a gentle smile. “Then you two will figure it out. I promise. Love always finds a way.”
It was a beautiful thought. I just wished I could be as sure as Caelyn was.
42
Brody
I stared at the massive sculpture piece that took up the entire center of the gallery courtyard. Carson was moving in a different direction with his art. Instead of a piece that had an almost whimsical quality, this one was darker. As if he’d been incredibly angry when he set his flame to metal.
I moved around the angular sculpture freely now that most of the crowd had made their way inside to see the rest of the show. As I circled it, I couldn’t help but wish that Shay were with me. What would she have to say about this piece and the others? What would she think of Carson? The patrons of the gallery? Everything.
I just missed her. I’d spent every day and night with her for months. And now, she was gone. God, I was a mope. It wasn’t like I wouldn’t see her in twenty-four hours. This was pathetic.
“I hope you’re not scowling at my work.”
I turned at the sound of Carson’s voice. “That look was entirely directed at me. This piece is great. You’re working in a whole new way.”
His mouth pressed into a firm line as he surveyed the sculpture. “It was time for something different. My work was getting tired.”
I took in my friend. He’d always been hard on himself, but this seemed like something else entirely. “What’s going on?”
He ran a hand through his hair, tugging on the ends. There was an almost…frenetic energy to him. As if he couldn’t be still. “This doesn’t come as easily to me as it does to you. I’m always searching for something that will inspire a piece or series. Trying to do something that’s new and original.”
“It’s not a walk in the park for me either.”
Frustration flashed across Carson’s expression before he schooled it. “You always have a million and one ideas. You have a hard time narrowing them down.”
That was true. But I’d struggled this past year. More than struggled. Things hadn’t seemed to fall into place until I met Shay. Followed that pull between us that had led me down an entirely new path in my art. Instead of being so focused on the darkness that people hid away, my work had become more balanced. I was still exploring all the things people concealed, the good and the bad, but my world was less black and white. Instead, it was full of colors in every shade. Shay had given that to me.
I turned my focus back to Carson. “I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Everyone loved the installation. I hung back from the crowd and overheard two art critics raving about it.”
“Really?” I saw a flicker of hope in Carson’s gaze.
“I wouldn’t lie about that. But who cares what they think? Do you like it?”
He took some time to take in the entirety of the work. Then he grinned. “I fucking hate it.”
I let out a bark of laughter. “I think it’s time for you to make some art for yourself. No one else. I can’t tell you the kind of freedom I’ve felt doing that.”
Carson sighed. “You might be right. I’m just not sure what I want to do or where I want to be—”
“You’re thinking of leaving New York?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know what I’m thinking. And I don’t have a little caretaker to light my way.”
My chest tightened at his words. “It definitely helps.”
Carson’s eyes narrowed. “What was that look?”
“What look?” It was hopeless to try and deny the pain I was sure had flashed across my expression. Carson and I had too many years of shared friendship between us.
“Don’t bullshit me. You’ve been in a foul mood since you got into town. I thought it was because you knew reporters would be at the opening, but it’s something else.”