When Blue remembered the men releasing their hold, how she had rushed to her son and draped herself over him, her knees buckled, and she crashed through the ice. She remembered so vividly placing her hand on his chest and watching his breath grow more and more shallow. She couldn’t even speak in that moment. Bleary-eyed, she had managed to sit up and cradle his face in her hands. Nayati stared up at the sky, his eyes fixed. She remembered the singing around her, celebrating that her firstborn was dead. She remembered the feel of his cheeks in her hands and how chubby they once had been as a child. Blue had held her son until his heart finally stopped, something she felt against her fingertips. His spirit had already departed, but she couldn’t bring herself to let go until he was truly gone.
Now on her knees, Blue fisted the grass, tears spilling down her nose. “I took that knife out of his chest and put it in my mate’s back. Then I found an axe and killed eleven warriors before they could hold me down. I wanted to die fighting. I didn’t care anymore.” She sat back on her heels and wiped her runny nose. “Nothing mattered. My heart and soul both died, and I had nothing to lose. My life was inconsequential.”
Matteo knelt in front of her. “How did you escape?”
“The chief wanted me to live. He wanted me to suffer for my entire life as they would. And I have. I want to remember my sons, but all I can see is the look in their eyes when they died. Be thankful you were at least spared that. My father and my mate stole good memories and replaced them with pain and regret.” She took a calming breath, felt that ice solidifying beneath her feet again. “We argued, you know. Our last night together, and we fought. Nayati was willing to go to battle to avenge his brother’s death. Battle against his own grandfather. He loved his little brother, and it crushed him when he saw the body. He wanted revenge. I was scared. I didn’t want to lose another son, so I told him he couldn’t go to battle with the others. You never think the last conversation you have with someone is going to be the last, and I live with that.”
“I understand that pain more than you know. What happened to your mate?”
“I suppose he’s still alive somewhere. They went to war with my father’s pack, and I walked away. My father betrayed me. My mate betrayed me. I spent years grieving, and when all that rage and sorrow went away, I felt nothing. I had nothing. My life was nothing… until I met Viktor. He needed a scout, and I was the best.” Blue quickly wiped her face, stood up, and stalked off.
Why the hell did I tell him all that? she thought. I’ve spent years hiding my past, and now I spill my feelings all over the place in front of a virtual stranger? What is wrong with me?
She finally stopped near an old tree, Matteo’s footsteps just behind her. “Nobody tells you that losing a child is like being an amputee. You can live without your arm, but you’re never whole again. I lost both my arms. Sometimes I forget about them, and then I feel guilty for forgetting.”
“I know that feeling. I wept every day for my family. One day I realized they hadn’t crossed my mind, and I wept from the guilt of forgetting. The guilt of enjoying a day without them.”
“How did you get used to not having them in this world?”
Matteo furrowed his brow. “I haven’t. Sometimes it comforts me to know that they’re still alive, just in a different time. I’m caught in the present, and they’re still in the past. But maybe we exist simultaneously.”
“Men are so much better compartmentalizing their pain.” Blue rested her back against the tree trunk. “I can’t figure out what it was all for. Why did I bring those beautiful boys into this world, only to watch them die? What was the purpose? That’s why I don’t believe in love, Matteo. Not the way you romanticize it. My own father betrayed me. My mate loved his pride more than his own child. And my love wasn’t enough to save my sons.”
He reached up and gripped the bough above his head. “It must have been hard to leave everything you knew. Not just the loss of your children but your entire community.”
“I might look young, but I’m an eighty-five-year-old Shifter. I’ve had a lot of time to adjust.”
“You’re just a toddler,” he said with a lazy smile.
Blue dried her eyes on her sleeve, grateful for the shift in topic. “And how old are you?”
“Six hundred. I don’t know the exact years, but that’s about right.”
She strolled past him. “Old man.”
“Dignified.”
“Maybe you should find someone your own age.”
He chuckled softly. “Are you ashamed to be seen with me?”
“Ashamed to be seen with a man who never bathes and wears a mop on his head? Never.”
“If I cut my hair, I cut my chances of wooing you.”
“That’s superstition.”
“Say what you will, but my people believe it.”
“You must have courted a lot of women judging by the length of your mane.”
Matteo suddenly twisted her into his arms. “I haven’t stopped thinking about our kiss. Day and night. No matter what I do, where I go, all I can taste are your sweet lips.”
When he leaned down, Blue panicked and stepped back.
Matteo still clutched her hands. “Give me a chance. I’ll love our children no matter what Breed they are—even if they’re human.”
“I don’t want a family.”
“But if you mated again, what would you want? I can give you so much love.”
Blue shook her head. “I don’t care about love. I would just want a man with integrity—someone who’s wise and always does the right thing. Someone who would never betray me. A noble man who lifts himself up in this world without stepping on others or becoming a victim of greed. A man who doesn’t run from his problems.”
Matteo’s grip loosened until their hands parted. “I can be those things. I can try.”
“Your wounds are still fresh, and somehow you think I can erase all that. You’re where I was decades ago, and you have a long way to go before you figure out your purpose. Some people aren’t meant to have all the happiness in the world. Maybe the best we can do is give it to others. You have a noble job guiding children to that safe haven, and maybe that’ll heal your wounds.”
Matteo clasped his hands together. “And the girl you saved, does that lessen your pain?”
Blue didn’t have an answer for that.
“Which one gives you more peace: the lives you save or the lives you take?” he asked.
“I don’t know. That’s my honest answer. I’m glad the girl’s with us, even though it’s temporary. Her pack shared the children.”
Matteo’s upper fangs descended. “They what?”
“Don’t flip your switch on me. This is the stuff I deal with every day, and maybe it does give me a little pleasure to take out criminals who might otherwise get away with it.”
“That pack can’t be allowed to exist.”
“It’s not up to me. We can’t keep the girl. I know we’ve got a big mansion, but this isn’t a place for kids. I don’t know what’ll happen.”
“Someone has to save the children. Do you want me to take the children to West Virginia?”