“From me?”
“No.” She put her mug down. The article lay on the table between them, along with so many things that needed to be said. “I didn’t plan any of this, Sean. So many things happened that last day, and in the months leading up to it. Something inside me snapped. I felt overwhelmed all the time. And isolated, as if all I was to my family was a fixer—someone to bring them things they’d forgotten, book tables they couldn’t be bothered to book, or cook meals so that they didn’t have to. I’d ceased to be a person. And that was my fault, because I allowed it to happen and I didn’t say anything.” And it was a relief to finally say it. A relief to have it out there in the open.
He looked gaunt. “I should have noticed. I’ve been so damn selfish.”
“I didn’t really notice. Every moment of my day was swallowed up by things that needed to be done. There was no time for reflection. Painting used to be a bit like meditation for me—a time to be focused, and calm. When I stopped doing it, I lost that. I never had the time—or took the time—to stop and wonder if I was living life the way I wanted to. That day I left, all I wanted was space to think.”
“I’ve gone over that day in my head. You suggested dinner and I asked you to book somewhere, after first having assumed you wanted the kids along—and it was our anniversary—” He shot her a mortified look. “I don’t even know where to begin apologizing.”
“It wasn’t your finest moment, but a marriage is made up of many parts thankfully, and you’ve had many fine moments.”
“You should have hit me over the head with a skillet, like your mother did that intruder. If I hadn’t found that article, would you have said something?”
“Yes. I needed time to figure it out, that’s all.”
“You didn’t want to come home. That says a lot.” His eyes were tired, his jaw dark with stubble and he’d never looked sexier in his life.
Or maybe she was so shaken up by the thought of losing him she was noticing things she’d stopped noticing. Time did that, didn’t it? It made your gaze skim over things that should have captured your attention.
“I was going to come home, Sean. I was going to speak to you about the way I felt. I just hadn’t planned how or when. I didn’t know you’d find the article.”
“I didn’t find it. The girls did.”
“Oh.” Guilt mingled with anxiety. “How?”
“I sent them to find the spare car keys. They searched your bag and found it.”
It hadn’t occurred to her for a moment that anyone but her would ever read it. “What did they say?”
“Nothing at first. They didn’t know what to do, so they kept it to themselves for a few days and asked lots of questions they considered to be subtle. Then yesterday they confronted me. They had a lot of questions, none of which I could answer, which didn’t make me look great. If there are problems in your marriage, generally you’re supposed to know about it.”
“Are you angry?”
“No. At least, not with you. Maybe with myself, for not seeing how you were feeling, or better still being more thoughtful so that you didn’t feel that way in the first place. Mostly I’m—” He shook his head. “I don’t know. Shaken. Helpless. Scared, because I love you and I didn’t see what was going on. I thought we were happy. It’s terrifying to know you were thinking all these things you didn’t even share. I don’t claim to be an expert on relationships, but even I know you can’t fix something you don’t know about.”
Oh Sean.
She felt a lump in her throat.
“I love you too.”
“Then why this?” He touched the offending article with his fingers. “Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“When? When do we ever talk about ourselves or our relationship, Sean? We talk about life, about the girls, about practical things.”
He fiddled with the paper. “Eight signs. How many apply to us? I read them, and I wasn’t sure. Which again doesn’t say much, does it? I mean number two—” he gestured at the paper “—You never spend time alone together. That’s definitely true, I see that now.”
“Sean—”
“We used to have date night. Whatever happened to date night?”
“I think it vanished somewhere between your business taking off and Caitlin getting that drama scholarship.” She slid her hands round her mug. “Life is about priorities, isn’t it, and we didn’t make it a priority. We didn’t make us a priority.”
“There’s nothing in life more important to me than you, so if that’s the case it was carelessness not design.” He reached across the table and took her hand. “I’d forgive you for not believing it, but you are my priority. The work, everything I do, is for us.”
“I know.” She felt tired and emotional, and so, so pleased to see him and to finally be talking. “It was my fault as much as yours. I was too focused on the whole family, and I neglected us. I think it all goes back to my childhood and wanting to be present. I went too far the other way—I see that now.”
Outside the rain had stopped and a patch of blue sky had appeared. It gave her hope, as did the feel of his hand tight on hers.
“You’re the best mother and the twins are lucky.”
“That’s not true.” It was difficult to admit it, but she knew she needed to. “I do things for them, instead of encouraging them to take responsibility. The conflict with Caitlin makes me feel like a bad mother, so I do everything I can to keep the peace. I want her to be happy, and I let her manipulate me. That’s my mistake and I need to address it.”
“I don’t think you’re going to need to. The girls have done some pretty deep soul searching since they found that article.” On cue, his phone pinged with a message and he checked the screen. “It’s Caitlin, wanting to know if we’re getting a divorce.”
“A divorce? That’s what they think?”
“That’s what the end of that article said. Can you fix things or should you end it?”
“I never read the end of it.” The article had made her panic. It had been like reading medical symptoms on the internet and becoming convinced you were dying of something hideous. She hadn’t wanted to believe her marriage was terminal.
“On the drive here, I kept going over that last day. I was distracted, thinking about clients, work, anything but the two of us. And you were trying to nudge me into going out for dinner, doing everything you could to remind me it was our anniversary.”